And so I'm legal.
Well. It appears to be my birthday today. Last night (after midnight), Brian and I were playing WoW and he bought giftwrapper and made me a little present, wishing me happy birthday. "It's sixteen hours left!", I claimed, "...and there was only junk in the present anyway!!"
"Sorry, I just thought the wrapping paper was cute, I saw it in the store and couldn't resist... =P"
Moments later, Lena burst out in song on msn, singing me the birthday song in Swedish, and then forgetting some of the words. I managed to con her into singing for real once it were actually my birthday. *nods* Even though she claims she can't sing. She's such a liar. <3
Brian later asked me, did I want to choose what good-night songs I wanted on my birthday? (usually I never bother choosing, so he has to, poor thing)
"Isn't my birthday yet!"
"All right, so do you want to choose songs for your birthday eve??"
And thus the Birthday Eve was minted. =P Now everyone has to be extra nice to me two days instead of just one! Yay!
I get up, and Sara compliments my hair:
(Brian thought I looked like a panda)
I go downstairs, and Lina says, birthday child is here! I'm baking your cake, do you want to watch InuYasha when I'm done?
And when I return, and email Tatijana about coming over to honor my coming of age on Friday, I find in my inbox congratulations from both, of all combinations, Tokyopop and Physics Forums. Guess that's what I get for supplying my actual birthday to places I register to, which no one else ever seems to do. =P And Alex has left me a message in Skype saying "Happy day of thy birth, I say."
Usually my birthdays pass in relative obscurity. Which is usually fine by me. This year, I see my birthday as the beginning of a new year--my last year, my seventeenth year, was a failure in many ways, though for those same reasons it taught me many things; about Brian, about life, and about myself. Bitterness is a weakness. As "give and take" go, give and be given, expect and be disappointed, demand and be without. I've been my very weakest this past year, and consequently needed a lot without having the strength to give. I've gotten strength back, now; perhaps not all of it, but I'm hopeful, and happy.
My eighteenth birthday also means I'm legal. Of age. An adult, by the law's definition, if not by my mother's, or my own, though we're both a bit unsure of what I am, then. My mother seems weirded out whenever she's reminded that in a year, I'll be moving out and going to university. Myself, I think I'm too caught up trying to plan for it to really stop and wonder at how old I've become in the past few years, and how I have too been going forward, though I've felt often that the time when I was going forward was between the time I was thirteen and until I turned sixteen, and that since then time and my life has been in suspension, just ... waiting. At a standstill, in colors a bluish-gray (save for green-gold summers), rather than a soft pink-yellow, purple-green-gray that I remember before that.
In a sense, I suppose it's an accurate feeling. Suspension, waiting, putting my life on hold as one is liable to do with long distance relationships. But even waiting-even waiting, I've been moving forward, necessarily, acquiring companions in school, whose company I might even miss once I go; I've reacquainted myself with Lena, a fragile, almost desperate feeling, something that was first a painful wish to have something that was lost in the past, and that since then has matured into just an ache, and acceptance that that's probably the way it has to be, and I'll take what I can have and be happy.
Yes, these couple of years past have been a combination of looking back to the past, and a longing for an often uncertain point in the future. In a sense, I guess it's pretty dumb, not realizing that one connects the past to the future with the now, but now was never important, held nothing I wanted. Still I was walking, so I must have come somewhere, so they can't have been wasted years. Though I'm still waiting, and still looking forward to the now that I will have in a year, when I can quit waiting. Maybe I really will feel a new color entering my life, like I expect to; maybe I will be able to face new experiences with an open heart and see with open eyes faced to the now, rather than looking at something else. Without regrets leaving this period of my life behind.
I'd like that, at least. Maybe I will find that life normally changes the way it has been doing now, and that it will continue doing so, and that the regretless was just something I dreamed back then, leaving nothing and coming into something. I knew regrets when I was a child, leaving things behind without wanting to until it was all gone, and soured. When I met the new stuff, in my thirteenth year, it was a new beginning without an end to anything but loneliness. When I entered my sixteenth year it had become painfully clear that I had earned something new and wonderful, but something else had gone away in its stead. And I left a period of now to enter a period of "then" or "sometime".
Well, regretless or not. I'm sure I'll see. I could rant further but at that point I'd have to make the entry private. And at some point it becomes pointless. (no pun intended. =P)
I'm sure in a year, when I quit waiting, I will be suitably freaked out at how far I came while I was looking somewhere else. Right now, "eighteen" means I can vote, but there's nothing to vote for and even if there were I wouldn't know what to vote for; it means I can drink, but I don't feel the need to, and if I had felt it before I would've drank before; it means I can move out of home, but I won't be doing that-I'll still live at home, still go to the same school, see the same people, do the same things... so eighteen isn't traumatic at all. It just means that I'll have to pay slightly more to get into museums and other places. Which I never do anyway. =P
Oh! And it also means that I can finally get rid of the censor filter on deviantART. Friggin' people (including myself) censoring crap all the time. What's up with not showing me MY OWN art even if it's censored? I DREW it, I've seen it before! Gah.
...
Anyway, I don't remember quite what all I went on about, but I'm sure it was sufficiently ranty. I will update tomorrow with details about the day and my gifts.
"Sorry, I just thought the wrapping paper was cute, I saw it in the store and couldn't resist... =P"
Moments later, Lena burst out in song on msn, singing me the birthday song in Swedish, and then forgetting some of the words. I managed to con her into singing for real once it were actually my birthday. *nods* Even though she claims she can't sing. She's such a liar. <3
Brian later asked me, did I want to choose what good-night songs I wanted on my birthday? (usually I never bother choosing, so he has to, poor thing)
"Isn't my birthday yet!"
"All right, so do you want to choose songs for your birthday eve??"
And thus the Birthday Eve was minted. =P Now everyone has to be extra nice to me two days instead of just one! Yay!
I get up, and Sara compliments my hair:
(Brian thought I looked like a panda)
I go downstairs, and Lina says, birthday child is here! I'm baking your cake, do you want to watch InuYasha when I'm done?
And when I return, and email Tatijana about coming over to honor my coming of age on Friday, I find in my inbox congratulations from both, of all combinations, Tokyopop and Physics Forums. Guess that's what I get for supplying my actual birthday to places I register to, which no one else ever seems to do. =P And Alex has left me a message in Skype saying "Happy day of thy birth, I say."
Usually my birthdays pass in relative obscurity. Which is usually fine by me. This year, I see my birthday as the beginning of a new year--my last year, my seventeenth year, was a failure in many ways, though for those same reasons it taught me many things; about Brian, about life, and about myself. Bitterness is a weakness. As "give and take" go, give and be given, expect and be disappointed, demand and be without. I've been my very weakest this past year, and consequently needed a lot without having the strength to give. I've gotten strength back, now; perhaps not all of it, but I'm hopeful, and happy.
My eighteenth birthday also means I'm legal. Of age. An adult, by the law's definition, if not by my mother's, or my own, though we're both a bit unsure of what I am, then. My mother seems weirded out whenever she's reminded that in a year, I'll be moving out and going to university. Myself, I think I'm too caught up trying to plan for it to really stop and wonder at how old I've become in the past few years, and how I have too been going forward, though I've felt often that the time when I was going forward was between the time I was thirteen and until I turned sixteen, and that since then time and my life has been in suspension, just ... waiting. At a standstill, in colors a bluish-gray (save for green-gold summers), rather than a soft pink-yellow, purple-green-gray that I remember before that.
In a sense, I suppose it's an accurate feeling. Suspension, waiting, putting my life on hold as one is liable to do with long distance relationships. But even waiting-even waiting, I've been moving forward, necessarily, acquiring companions in school, whose company I might even miss once I go; I've reacquainted myself with Lena, a fragile, almost desperate feeling, something that was first a painful wish to have something that was lost in the past, and that since then has matured into just an ache, and acceptance that that's probably the way it has to be, and I'll take what I can have and be happy.
Yes, these couple of years past have been a combination of looking back to the past, and a longing for an often uncertain point in the future. In a sense, I guess it's pretty dumb, not realizing that one connects the past to the future with the now, but now was never important, held nothing I wanted. Still I was walking, so I must have come somewhere, so they can't have been wasted years. Though I'm still waiting, and still looking forward to the now that I will have in a year, when I can quit waiting. Maybe I really will feel a new color entering my life, like I expect to; maybe I will be able to face new experiences with an open heart and see with open eyes faced to the now, rather than looking at something else. Without regrets leaving this period of my life behind.
I'd like that, at least. Maybe I will find that life normally changes the way it has been doing now, and that it will continue doing so, and that the regretless was just something I dreamed back then, leaving nothing and coming into something. I knew regrets when I was a child, leaving things behind without wanting to until it was all gone, and soured. When I met the new stuff, in my thirteenth year, it was a new beginning without an end to anything but loneliness. When I entered my sixteenth year it had become painfully clear that I had earned something new and wonderful, but something else had gone away in its stead. And I left a period of now to enter a period of "then" or "sometime".
Well, regretless or not. I'm sure I'll see. I could rant further but at that point I'd have to make the entry private. And at some point it becomes pointless. (no pun intended. =P)
I'm sure in a year, when I quit waiting, I will be suitably freaked out at how far I came while I was looking somewhere else. Right now, "eighteen" means I can vote, but there's nothing to vote for and even if there were I wouldn't know what to vote for; it means I can drink, but I don't feel the need to, and if I had felt it before I would've drank before; it means I can move out of home, but I won't be doing that-I'll still live at home, still go to the same school, see the same people, do the same things... so eighteen isn't traumatic at all. It just means that I'll have to pay slightly more to get into museums and other places. Which I never do anyway. =P
Oh! And it also means that I can finally get rid of the censor filter on deviantART. Friggin' people (including myself) censoring crap all the time. What's up with not showing me MY OWN art even if it's censored? I DREW it, I've seen it before! Gah.
...
Anyway, I don't remember quite what all I went on about, but I'm sure it was sufficiently ranty. I will update tomorrow with details about the day and my gifts.