Too much reality...
Lets see... a lot has happened since my last post. I have a job. I'm moving to Madison or not. I can't really make up my mind. There's this girl. She has given me a second chance or might. She's married now, but she still loves me and wants to be with me. Her husband is in Iraq though so she can't divorce him till he's back. I don't know that she actually will anyways though. It's kinda starting to drive me up the wall. I want to be with her too, but she has doubts. I hurt her in the past. I don't deny it. I don't even really feel that I deserve another chance. However, in my defense, I ended my relationship with her when I was in a bad place mentally. I would call off going to madison if she'd only ask me to stay with her. She doesn't want to ruin my life though. Ha! I'm sure I'll ruin my life again anyway even without her help. I'm off my meds again. I'm doing well so far. I've learned to cope with things for the most part. I dismiss crazy thoughts. The part that's proving the hardest is my mood swings, but the medication wasn't helping with those anyway. I still think about suicide, often. It tends to pop up in my thoughts unexpectedly. I generally just push those thoughts back out. I've become far more jaded. Happiness has become something I no longer expect in my life. I currently find myself in a terrifying situation. I can't really say much about it though until I figure out what's going to happen. The outcome could result in much happiness or loads of pain, sorrow, and difficulties. I've proposed to this girl again. I wish I would have never broken it off with her in the first place though. Then she would have married me instead of finding herself married to someone else and wanting to be with me. I'll just have to wait and see what she does.