Is anyone there?
My mind is screaming, "What am I gonna do, what am I gonna do?" It's time to move on I guess. Just about everyone else has. I find myself still here in this city. There's so little here for me. I should go. I should disappear. How long would it be without my meds before I got picked up again. I've been experimenting. After three days of not taking them my hallucinations are almost at full strength. I need a job. Something to occupy my time. Something I can get a sense of accomplishment from. I don't know. I don't even know what I want. I liked things before I was medicated. Life was more interesting. As terrifying as things were they were also more exciting. Everyday was amazing, full of color and sound, voices. But, the risk is high. I had it in my head I could breath water. Next time I could believe I can fly and jump off a building. Too much risk unless I'm in a ward, but that only drives me crazier. Being told when to eat, when to sleep, and not being able to come and go as you please... no thank you. I need to get my shit together. Move to Milwaukee, go to school. Most of my friends have left W.B. I should leave too. Find a new place. Make new friends. How I miss past times. My addictions have started to become a problem. In truth they've caused me problems for a long time. Regrets too. Push them aside. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why did I do that!? Self-sabotaging ass! I fuck good things up. My life is going well and I find a self-destructive means. Anything, a relationship I know will end badly, drugs in large amounts, overeating. I had someone who loved me and wanted to be with me. So I dumped her. Seroqual, yuk! Dreams about Cassy. What the fuck!? Mess, mess in my head. More pills to keep me level. Keep me here. Controlling fucks. I love my family. I'm so tired of them judging me. Even spirituality, I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm sick and tired of crying every other day. Who could I go to at this late hour? It's my midnight and no one's around... Where should I turn? If only I knew.