(no subject)
Its kind of true though, and it smacks so much, hits exactly on the emotion I felt so passionately sophomore year. It hits me in a different way now. More bittersweet, less fire and brimstone. And its not like I really have this feeling out of the melancholy of my past or because the movie was particularly profound. I guess actually it has nothing really to do with the movie and its end, Wanted. In the past I would have attributed it to seeing her for the first time like that, skinny from too much coke. And just so you wont flatter yourself, it wasnt you either.
This weird feeling comes from my self. My current self, not my past or my future but me right now. You know Im reading this book, and I promised someone such a glorious entry about it and what it makes me think and feel. This will be that entry, but not quite as glorious as I have hoped.
How can I respect myself? Although that was initially written rhetorically I suppose I can actually answer that. I quit doing drugs, I quit letting myself slip up...I conciously make the decision every day to not be the person that I could be. It kills me not to be that person on the one hand, but does it really kill "me" or more accurately my happiness to become that person.
How much more lonely would I be? If this is already a problem theres no promise it will improve sooner in fact it will be worse before it is better. But then there is also the promise that someday, I might have the chance with someone who never would have been available to me.
Thats all just thoughts, thats my weakness. Thats what I care about, or thats what my body cares about, something seperate yet still somehow identical wants something more. Wants to just be absolutely everything I could and should be, regardless of how it may cause me to appear to others or how easy it would be for me. And at least thats something I can say with honesty and a tinge of pride, its not for others that I appear the way I do. The frequency with which I run into someone I truly respect is rare, I have very few people to impress. This is not to say I disrespect the people I see everyday, but this is to say I see them in the same light I see my current person. I am asking myself how can I respect myself and the question stands to those similarly around me, how can I truly respect them.
Ive seen those peole in my life though, a few times Ive known them. The Dagny's of the world, the Rearden's of the world.....Francisco and Ragnar.....Those 2 are Morgan.
I guess the movie made me think more of it for this reason. The question "What have you done with your life lately?" I dont feel bad because I am out of shape or because I am not changing the world or doing something really "cool". Its because what have I done with my life lately that I respect? And at least thats the drive.
I respect my school work and I respect myself at least as much as knowing that I could be WAY WAY WAY less respectable, but I mean this is my fucking life. I have no reason to believe that Ill get two, but I seem to act like it.
These atoms came together and I wont argue that its for some higher purpose or that there is a should anywhere in here, although there may be. But these atoms came together to form my being, my conciousness exists somewhere between that space and I can see that its built to succeed. Its not built to idle, extremely high, or deep within some video game. Its meant to win, its meant to not be stopped. I couldnt say what I should be doing precisely with my life or what I could be doing....But this isnt it. Im on the right track, Im following the right road at least, but I can move so much more smoothly and elegantly through the scene. Its the journey not the destination. Im closer than many but I can do way better than this.
I can do way better than this. I can do way better than her. I can do way better than them, some of them. Will I? Hopefully someday Ill earn my reproachable arrogance. But really I have nothing to apologize for.
This weird feeling comes from my self. My current self, not my past or my future but me right now. You know Im reading this book, and I promised someone such a glorious entry about it and what it makes me think and feel. This will be that entry, but not quite as glorious as I have hoped.
How can I respect myself? Although that was initially written rhetorically I suppose I can actually answer that. I quit doing drugs, I quit letting myself slip up...I conciously make the decision every day to not be the person that I could be. It kills me not to be that person on the one hand, but does it really kill "me" or more accurately my happiness to become that person.
How much more lonely would I be? If this is already a problem theres no promise it will improve sooner in fact it will be worse before it is better. But then there is also the promise that someday, I might have the chance with someone who never would have been available to me.
Thats all just thoughts, thats my weakness. Thats what I care about, or thats what my body cares about, something seperate yet still somehow identical wants something more. Wants to just be absolutely everything I could and should be, regardless of how it may cause me to appear to others or how easy it would be for me. And at least thats something I can say with honesty and a tinge of pride, its not for others that I appear the way I do. The frequency with which I run into someone I truly respect is rare, I have very few people to impress. This is not to say I disrespect the people I see everyday, but this is to say I see them in the same light I see my current person. I am asking myself how can I respect myself and the question stands to those similarly around me, how can I truly respect them.
Ive seen those peole in my life though, a few times Ive known them. The Dagny's of the world, the Rearden's of the world.....Francisco and Ragnar.....Those 2 are Morgan.
I guess the movie made me think more of it for this reason. The question "What have you done with your life lately?" I dont feel bad because I am out of shape or because I am not changing the world or doing something really "cool". Its because what have I done with my life lately that I respect? And at least thats the drive.
I respect my school work and I respect myself at least as much as knowing that I could be WAY WAY WAY less respectable, but I mean this is my fucking life. I have no reason to believe that Ill get two, but I seem to act like it.
These atoms came together and I wont argue that its for some higher purpose or that there is a should anywhere in here, although there may be. But these atoms came together to form my being, my conciousness exists somewhere between that space and I can see that its built to succeed. Its not built to idle, extremely high, or deep within some video game. Its meant to win, its meant to not be stopped. I couldnt say what I should be doing precisely with my life or what I could be doing....But this isnt it. Im on the right track, Im following the right road at least, but I can move so much more smoothly and elegantly through the scene. Its the journey not the destination. Im closer than many but I can do way better than this.
I can do way better than this. I can do way better than her. I can do way better than them, some of them. Will I? Hopefully someday Ill earn my reproachable arrogance. But really I have nothing to apologize for.