Just gonna' stand there and watch me burn,but that's alright because I love the way it hurts
If you could describe yourself in the lyrics of a song or poem what would those lyrics be? I hope whatever they are they're happy,mine aren't
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable
This is the last post I'll make on this LJ, I won't close it down cause I still check the communities but my life is over,I've given up on it because this world is not for me and I'm not for it so you can all rest assured,I'm not gonna' annoy you anymore.
I realized nothing I ever wanted emotionally,nothing I ever needed emotionally,nothing I ever was mattered in this world. I realized and realize it more every single day ,painfully and hopelesslly, that I am just a mistake,a mistake nobody really wants,nobody cares about,nobody cares about saving ,a mistake whose every thought and desire,every wish and dream means nothing to absolutely no one except my mother only even she thinks I am a mistake.
I used to have dreams and ideals, desires and hopes, I was a dreamer and I dreamed so many things and my intelect could have made them all possible but the rest of me is a mistake and I don't exactly know why.
In the past 2 weeks I've been cruelly abandoned by my best friend who said would always be there,she is like a sister to me and I did nothing intentionally wrong but I guess she couldn't stand me anymore, she too realized I was a mistake,that has to be the reason.
I don't think I should have been born and now I regret it because I don't want to die,I don't want to stop existing but I feel that it's the only right thing in the world . I'm just a useless piece of garbage and that hurts just as it hurts that I can never know love and comfort, I can never know how it's like to hate yourself a little less.
I'm powerless, between agonising on my own in the prison that is my room and my life and fighting with my mother because of course she's frustrated and upset that her only child proved to be this huge error,this huge disappointment who can do nothing righ. I know I don't deserve anything,the love I need,not even a pat on the back or attention let alone help but I do wish I got it ,that I got those things for 2 reasons : 1.so I wouldn't die without knowing how those feel and 2.to get a little better and try to make it better for mom because she deserves better,she deserved a good child,one she can be proud of,perfect and beautiful and successful and happy and right now all her sacrifices have been in vain.
Nobody really cares and nobody will read this I guess, every chance I had of ever believing I was more than garbage ,every chance I still had of believing that I can have the things I need, died when I lost my friend so i don't believe anyone cares about me and I know this annoys people,I'm just a sad Debbie Downer but I have to write about this,I just do and it's my journal and this is me .
All you people in relationships,people with tons of true friends who don't leave,people with the right attitude and strength...you should appreciate what you have because it's so precious and some like me will never know how having any of that is. Maybe it's a curse,it's kinda' like a theme in my life and mom's life to be abandoned and hit in the face and end up alone and unhappy.
Thank you whoever read this,whoever put up with me virtually in the past 3 years,you can now breathe easy,your universe is about to turn into something a little more spacious and a little happier . I just hope nobody breaks your heart,ever and that you don't break anyone's heart either. Also,a word of advice from someone terribly depressed and unhappy : when someone has a problem,when they're down,depressed,alone...the best thing you can do is be there for them because whatever annoyance you have to put up with,it's worse for them.
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable
This is the last post I'll make on this LJ, I won't close it down cause I still check the communities but my life is over,I've given up on it because this world is not for me and I'm not for it so you can all rest assured,I'm not gonna' annoy you anymore.
I realized nothing I ever wanted emotionally,nothing I ever needed emotionally,nothing I ever was mattered in this world. I realized and realize it more every single day ,painfully and hopelesslly, that I am just a mistake,a mistake nobody really wants,nobody cares about,nobody cares about saving ,a mistake whose every thought and desire,every wish and dream means nothing to absolutely no one except my mother only even she thinks I am a mistake.
I used to have dreams and ideals, desires and hopes, I was a dreamer and I dreamed so many things and my intelect could have made them all possible but the rest of me is a mistake and I don't exactly know why.
In the past 2 weeks I've been cruelly abandoned by my best friend who said would always be there,she is like a sister to me and I did nothing intentionally wrong but I guess she couldn't stand me anymore, she too realized I was a mistake,that has to be the reason.
I don't think I should have been born and now I regret it because I don't want to die,I don't want to stop existing but I feel that it's the only right thing in the world . I'm just a useless piece of garbage and that hurts just as it hurts that I can never know love and comfort, I can never know how it's like to hate yourself a little less.
I'm powerless, between agonising on my own in the prison that is my room and my life and fighting with my mother because of course she's frustrated and upset that her only child proved to be this huge error,this huge disappointment who can do nothing righ. I know I don't deserve anything,the love I need,not even a pat on the back or attention let alone help but I do wish I got it ,that I got those things for 2 reasons : 1.so I wouldn't die without knowing how those feel and 2.to get a little better and try to make it better for mom because she deserves better,she deserved a good child,one she can be proud of,perfect and beautiful and successful and happy and right now all her sacrifices have been in vain.
Nobody really cares and nobody will read this I guess, every chance I had of ever believing I was more than garbage ,every chance I still had of believing that I can have the things I need, died when I lost my friend so i don't believe anyone cares about me and I know this annoys people,I'm just a sad Debbie Downer but I have to write about this,I just do and it's my journal and this is me .
All you people in relationships,people with tons of true friends who don't leave,people with the right attitude and strength...you should appreciate what you have because it's so precious and some like me will never know how having any of that is. Maybe it's a curse,it's kinda' like a theme in my life and mom's life to be abandoned and hit in the face and end up alone and unhappy.
Thank you whoever read this,whoever put up with me virtually in the past 3 years,you can now breathe easy,your universe is about to turn into something a little more spacious and a little happier . I just hope nobody breaks your heart,ever and that you don't break anyone's heart either. Also,a word of advice from someone terribly depressed and unhappy : when someone has a problem,when they're down,depressed,alone...the best thing you can do is be there for them because whatever annoyance you have to put up with,it's worse for them.