Dating Story #9 - Curse Guy
This one is kind of mean. And R-rated. Keep out of reach of children, take with food, keep at room temperature, use only externally.
So, I was seeing a gentleman whose code name is Curse Guy. He is called Curse Guy because, my friends, his wang was so large as to be unmanageable. We dated for quite some time, and I navigated the field of landmines that was his total phobia of intimacy with anyone else besides his fleshlight.
Oh, what is a fleshlight, you ask? This, my friends, is a fleshlight...
... So. Yes. This was a tricky thing for us. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am supremely patient in almost any situation, including handling 35 year old virgins who are terrified of actual women. Over the months, we took things at a good pace, but he absolutely, positively could NOT "finish the job". I tried everything. Sweet and innocent, predatory tiger, demands, urging... everything. Nothing worked. I was quietly exasperated, but mostly, I just felt bad for him that he was that insecure.
Time went by. Some things evolved around my birthday that were very difficult. I let him know what was going on, and he absolutely freaked. He said:
"You know what is it? You scare me. You terrify me. You are so goal oriented and everything and I can't keep up and all this stuff is going on and you are handling it and I just... I CAN'T CUM."
Needless to say, I was a little taken aback that his anorgasmic ways were even a part of the conversation. I think I managed an "uh... okay." The thing that shocked me was, well, I'm the least terrifying person you could know. If he found ME intimidating... no wonder his closest companion lived in a canister and could be easily cleaned with soap and water.
The conversation went on... and it was clear that Curse Guy was so overly worried about his giant schlong that he would never really be able to deal with a relationship until he got over it. He blithered on about how I was ready for marriage (not something we'd talked about as it would apply to US) and children (again, a distant goal), and all that, and he couldn't even handle dating. So in the middle of all the chaos, right before my birthday, he bailed and bailed hard.
We stayed friends. We even still correspond. And for his birthday, I did what any good friend would do. I sent him a new Fleshlight. I know those two made a wonderful couple.
PS - I should add a few details to clarify. One, he thought the fleshlight present was funny and appreciated it. Two, he had some serious issues -- he lived at home but didn't want me around when his mother was there because he didn't want her to know he was seeing someone, he couldn't handle that I made more than he did, he found any noise or movement a huge turn-off, and last but not least, the only thing that DID get him excited was me reading from a meteorology textbook in a British accent. The boy had problems. I just didn't want anyone to think I revel in cruelty. ;-)
So, I was seeing a gentleman whose code name is Curse Guy. He is called Curse Guy because, my friends, his wang was so large as to be unmanageable. We dated for quite some time, and I navigated the field of landmines that was his total phobia of intimacy with anyone else besides his fleshlight.
Oh, what is a fleshlight, you ask? This, my friends, is a fleshlight...
... So. Yes. This was a tricky thing for us. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am supremely patient in almost any situation, including handling 35 year old virgins who are terrified of actual women. Over the months, we took things at a good pace, but he absolutely, positively could NOT "finish the job". I tried everything. Sweet and innocent, predatory tiger, demands, urging... everything. Nothing worked. I was quietly exasperated, but mostly, I just felt bad for him that he was that insecure.
Time went by. Some things evolved around my birthday that were very difficult. I let him know what was going on, and he absolutely freaked. He said:
"You know what is it? You scare me. You terrify me. You are so goal oriented and everything and I can't keep up and all this stuff is going on and you are handling it and I just... I CAN'T CUM."
Needless to say, I was a little taken aback that his anorgasmic ways were even a part of the conversation. I think I managed an "uh... okay." The thing that shocked me was, well, I'm the least terrifying person you could know. If he found ME intimidating... no wonder his closest companion lived in a canister and could be easily cleaned with soap and water.
The conversation went on... and it was clear that Curse Guy was so overly worried about his giant schlong that he would never really be able to deal with a relationship until he got over it. He blithered on about how I was ready for marriage (not something we'd talked about as it would apply to US) and children (again, a distant goal), and all that, and he couldn't even handle dating. So in the middle of all the chaos, right before my birthday, he bailed and bailed hard.
We stayed friends. We even still correspond. And for his birthday, I did what any good friend would do. I sent him a new Fleshlight. I know those two made a wonderful couple.
PS - I should add a few details to clarify. One, he thought the fleshlight present was funny and appreciated it. Two, he had some serious issues -- he lived at home but didn't want me around when his mother was there because he didn't want her to know he was seeing someone, he couldn't handle that I made more than he did, he found any noise or movement a huge turn-off, and last but not least, the only thing that DID get him excited was me reading from a meteorology textbook in a British accent. The boy had problems. I just didn't want anyone to think I revel in cruelty. ;-)