Smart Kid #1
(This is a post from when I FIRST started school. I think it's interesting to reflect on how much has changed in such a short period of time.)
School's a breeze so far. I've had great communication with my professors, and learned a lot. I am really glad to take the academic strategies class - even though it's basic, it's a wonderful foundation. My mother said that there would be hard times. I know they will come, but for the first time, I'm not afraid of it.
It's weird to be the "smart kid" again. I think my college failure made me sort of doubt my intellect - I mean, God, if I couldn't handle a freshman year like the rest of humanity, how smart could I possibly BE? It shook my faith in myself, for sure. In these classes, I communicate with all kinds of people, and they have questions for me - heck even my Criminal Justice professor is very interested in learning more about background checks from me. From me. A PROFESSOR wants to learn something *from me*? Holy cow!
I would call this a desert time for me, though. I'm sort of going it alone in a lot of ways. The people that care about me are all very far away now. It's weird, even Paul feels far away to me, and I live with him. I never knew 30 feet could feel oceanic, but not being crammed into that tiny space together anymore makes me feel acute solitude.
My room is very clean though. *evil grin*
I'm sort of wondering if I'm going to be found out as a Smart Kid charlatan though. Like someone will one day point the finger at me and go, "HEY! You don't belong here!" Hopefully that nervousness will keep me on my toes and make me do my homework! Hehehe!
There are a LOT of single mothers in my classes. They are so inspiring. It was hard enough for me to decide if *I* had time for school, and all I have is a job. I mean, gosh, I don't even have a PET to take care of. These women are blazing a trail. They are excelling, and making a better life for themselves. I'm humbled and awed by their determination and drive. It makes my time crunches seem very insignificant.
Most of all, I'm proud that I'm "doing something". My grandmother's general attitude was, "Oh, Honey, FINALLY you are doing something!" Of course, the fact that I make more than a good portion of my family, have a nice car, run a company, yada yada, somehow doesn't seem like I've done anything...? Just because I don't have a degree doesn't mean I've accomplished nothing. I know more about criminal background checks than anyone I know except the guy that founded the company I work for. I can knit, and draw, and crochet, and play musical instruments, and sew, and write, and manage my time, and do a frillion other things. My life is not a waste.
I know that no one in my life means, "oh you're finally doing something" as a truly disparaging remark. They are just excited that I'm challenging myself. My mother said today that she can't think of anyone who is better suited to higher education than me. "You are a VORACIOUS learner," she said. That was a huge compliment, to me. So I think that really what my family is saying is that they are glad that I'm continuing to grow, and I'm going to do even bigger things than I do now. They just have a funny way of showing their support, sometimes. That's okay.
I'm a student. Oh my God.