best excuse... ever!
i could feel it in the air before i even looked out the window. i tried to stay hidden under the blankets, pretending this was not my fate, but i could only play naive for so long. from under the blankets i peered out the window and saw the branches covered in snow. "fuck!" for most people, snow brings feelings of childlike joy. for others an annoyance that they must scrape off their car windshield. for me, it was simply duty, saran wrapped with fear; i would once again have to face the abominable snowman.
oh, you may not believe me now, but i guarantee that i am not making any of this up. every year, after the first snowfall, the hideous creature comes back from his grave. he's like a zombie on speed with a desire to eat little children. most people are unaware of this, but the making of snow angels is actually a way of showing respect to all the lives lost to the abominable snowman. for the past five years i have been fighting him during the dawn of winter, and this season wouldn't be any different.
i stole the keys to my parent's jeep, knowing that my little miata would never survive the trip, and i waited inside the house for the snow bunny to heat up. i chugged down a cup of mint chocolate coffee and spread some cream cheese on my blueberry bagel with my throwing knife. i wiped it clean when finished, so i wouldn't throw the balance off. these were no ordinary throwing knives. they had a special lining that made them blistering hot when thrown. i designed them specifically for dealing with the abominable snowman. once the windshield was scrapped, i headed up into the jemez mountains, and to the lair of mr. abominable himself.
one of the biggest problems with saving the world from the abominable snowman is that you are forced to wear multiple layers to keep the cold out. it is hard to use your ninja like reflexes when you feel like a giant marshmallow. every year i tell myself that i need to invest in one of those sleek and super expensive snow suits and every year i decide to invest in video games instead. this makes all battles against mr. abominable like having "slow" cast on you, while he has "haste" cast on him. it can be quite frustrating.
mr. abominable lives in a giant cave, which i navigated through using my trusty flashlight. the path is marked along the tunnel walls with silver stars that i spray painted on during my first trip through, knowing that i would certainly lose my map during my battle. i knew i was getting close due to the smell of cotton candy in the air. there is no scientific explanation as to how the abominable snowman obtained his scent, but it certainly has aided him in luring small children into his hairy fists. many retired abominable snowman hunters can never again visit the state fair, due to the panic attacks caused by sweet scent of cotton candy.
the low growl of mr. abominable's snore shook the icicles, causing one or two to occasionally cascade down. this made the trip all the more dangerous, because some of the icicles were freaken huge and could easily break through my purple knit hat, which i had sew using magic thread that was almost as strong as steel, but still maintained warmth. the beast was asleep a mere ten yards ahead of me. the white hair on his back faced me, and stuck up when i took another step forward. this was the worst possible position i could have been in. the fur on the abominable snowman worked like armor. in johnson t. bottom's book how to kill a snowman of an abominable nature, he explained that "a pointblank blast from a sawed off shotgun will not even bruise the beast" (p. 40000341). the only weakness was his face, which was not covered in fur. this made him exceptionally hard to kill, because his skeletal structure was damn near impossible to penetrate. one's best bet was to go for the eyes, which i couldn't do at this point because he was facing the wall of the cave.
i picked up an icicle that had fallen next to my left foot and flung it at the beast's back. he stirred, but didn't roll over, so i picked up another and repeated the process. still nothing! i picked up a third, thinking "third time's the charm," but he only snored louder! to my surprise there wasn't a single rock to throw at him and i was getting pretty annoyed. i yelled at him "hey you ugly, fat, hairy piece of dung: wake up!" but he only scratched his rear end. this was humiliating! i stomped over to him and kicked the spot he had just scratched and instantly let out a yelp. i had forgotten johnson t. bottom's note on how the fur of the abominable snowman is as sharp as razor blades. the ball of my shoe was sliced open, my white skin exposed. the cut was fine enough that it hadn't started bleeding yet, but from the burning pain shooting up my leg i knew it soon would. i had myself so distracted that i didn't notice that the beast was turning over until he almost rolled on top of me. i feel backwards to avoid being smooshed and sliced to death. with the beast still asleep - but now facing me - i reached for my thigh straps to pull out my throwing knives. but they weren't there! of all the stupid mistakes i could have made, i had left my weapon in the vehicle! and although the icicles could have proved deadly to any other monster, only heat could kill mr. abominable. i stood up, but as i did, the beast's eyes open. i turned and bolted. mr. abominable let out a yell so terrible that not only did the icicles crack and fall, but boulders crashed down from the heavens.
like a giant purple marshmallow, i hobbled as best as i could, following the stars on the walls. the combined smells of blood and cotton candy had me nauseous as i made my way out of the cave. the snow froze the bottom of my exposed foot, but i made it to my parent's jeep and grabbed my throwing knives. mr. abominable had already made it out of the cave and his face was pushed to the trail of blood left behind in the snow from my foot. he raised he head and we locked eyes. he pounded on his chest like godzillia and leaped at me, his mouth open in a howling rage. my movement and speed was greatly restricted due to my multiple layers of clothing. using both my left and my right hand, i flung the knives at him simultaneously, but the beast came crashing down on top of me. even with my knitted armor i did not want to move under the weight of the beast, knowing that his fur would rip me to shreds, but i could barely breathe under his weight. i panicked, trying to decide if it would be best to suffocate, be diced into a million pieces trying to escape, or be eaten alive by the beast when he decided to get off of me, when suddenly the weight became much lighter. water saturated the ground around me. mr. abominable was melting! against all possible odds my throwing knives had made their mark! he still had a ways to go before he would be completely melted and i would simply have to wait here. but the more he melted, the wetter i became, until my body was soaked and i couldn't suppress the shivers. i was held under him for nearly 10 minutes, my hair turning to icicles. when the last bit of razor fur turned to water i grabbed my knives. i rushed to the jeep and ripped off my clothing, letting it form a puddle on the back seat. i cranked the heat and wrapped myself in a blanket that i kept in case of such emergencies.
on my drive home i wondered how i would explain why i was driving around naked with a bleeding foot. and so you see, mr. officer, i was speeding in order to avoid such a conversation, because who in the world would believe that i just saved the world from the abominable snowman? but i hope you can see from this story that i was clearly telling the truth and you should let me be on my merry way.
oh, you may not believe me now, but i guarantee that i am not making any of this up. every year, after the first snowfall, the hideous creature comes back from his grave. he's like a zombie on speed with a desire to eat little children. most people are unaware of this, but the making of snow angels is actually a way of showing respect to all the lives lost to the abominable snowman. for the past five years i have been fighting him during the dawn of winter, and this season wouldn't be any different.
i stole the keys to my parent's jeep, knowing that my little miata would never survive the trip, and i waited inside the house for the snow bunny to heat up. i chugged down a cup of mint chocolate coffee and spread some cream cheese on my blueberry bagel with my throwing knife. i wiped it clean when finished, so i wouldn't throw the balance off. these were no ordinary throwing knives. they had a special lining that made them blistering hot when thrown. i designed them specifically for dealing with the abominable snowman. once the windshield was scrapped, i headed up into the jemez mountains, and to the lair of mr. abominable himself.
one of the biggest problems with saving the world from the abominable snowman is that you are forced to wear multiple layers to keep the cold out. it is hard to use your ninja like reflexes when you feel like a giant marshmallow. every year i tell myself that i need to invest in one of those sleek and super expensive snow suits and every year i decide to invest in video games instead. this makes all battles against mr. abominable like having "slow" cast on you, while he has "haste" cast on him. it can be quite frustrating.
mr. abominable lives in a giant cave, which i navigated through using my trusty flashlight. the path is marked along the tunnel walls with silver stars that i spray painted on during my first trip through, knowing that i would certainly lose my map during my battle. i knew i was getting close due to the smell of cotton candy in the air. there is no scientific explanation as to how the abominable snowman obtained his scent, but it certainly has aided him in luring small children into his hairy fists. many retired abominable snowman hunters can never again visit the state fair, due to the panic attacks caused by sweet scent of cotton candy.
the low growl of mr. abominable's snore shook the icicles, causing one or two to occasionally cascade down. this made the trip all the more dangerous, because some of the icicles were freaken huge and could easily break through my purple knit hat, which i had sew using magic thread that was almost as strong as steel, but still maintained warmth. the beast was asleep a mere ten yards ahead of me. the white hair on his back faced me, and stuck up when i took another step forward. this was the worst possible position i could have been in. the fur on the abominable snowman worked like armor. in johnson t. bottom's book how to kill a snowman of an abominable nature, he explained that "a pointblank blast from a sawed off shotgun will not even bruise the beast" (p. 40000341). the only weakness was his face, which was not covered in fur. this made him exceptionally hard to kill, because his skeletal structure was damn near impossible to penetrate. one's best bet was to go for the eyes, which i couldn't do at this point because he was facing the wall of the cave.
i picked up an icicle that had fallen next to my left foot and flung it at the beast's back. he stirred, but didn't roll over, so i picked up another and repeated the process. still nothing! i picked up a third, thinking "third time's the charm," but he only snored louder! to my surprise there wasn't a single rock to throw at him and i was getting pretty annoyed. i yelled at him "hey you ugly, fat, hairy piece of dung: wake up!" but he only scratched his rear end. this was humiliating! i stomped over to him and kicked the spot he had just scratched and instantly let out a yelp. i had forgotten johnson t. bottom's note on how the fur of the abominable snowman is as sharp as razor blades. the ball of my shoe was sliced open, my white skin exposed. the cut was fine enough that it hadn't started bleeding yet, but from the burning pain shooting up my leg i knew it soon would. i had myself so distracted that i didn't notice that the beast was turning over until he almost rolled on top of me. i feel backwards to avoid being smooshed and sliced to death. with the beast still asleep - but now facing me - i reached for my thigh straps to pull out my throwing knives. but they weren't there! of all the stupid mistakes i could have made, i had left my weapon in the vehicle! and although the icicles could have proved deadly to any other monster, only heat could kill mr. abominable. i stood up, but as i did, the beast's eyes open. i turned and bolted. mr. abominable let out a yell so terrible that not only did the icicles crack and fall, but boulders crashed down from the heavens.
like a giant purple marshmallow, i hobbled as best as i could, following the stars on the walls. the combined smells of blood and cotton candy had me nauseous as i made my way out of the cave. the snow froze the bottom of my exposed foot, but i made it to my parent's jeep and grabbed my throwing knives. mr. abominable had already made it out of the cave and his face was pushed to the trail of blood left behind in the snow from my foot. he raised he head and we locked eyes. he pounded on his chest like godzillia and leaped at me, his mouth open in a howling rage. my movement and speed was greatly restricted due to my multiple layers of clothing. using both my left and my right hand, i flung the knives at him simultaneously, but the beast came crashing down on top of me. even with my knitted armor i did not want to move under the weight of the beast, knowing that his fur would rip me to shreds, but i could barely breathe under his weight. i panicked, trying to decide if it would be best to suffocate, be diced into a million pieces trying to escape, or be eaten alive by the beast when he decided to get off of me, when suddenly the weight became much lighter. water saturated the ground around me. mr. abominable was melting! against all possible odds my throwing knives had made their mark! he still had a ways to go before he would be completely melted and i would simply have to wait here. but the more he melted, the wetter i became, until my body was soaked and i couldn't suppress the shivers. i was held under him for nearly 10 minutes, my hair turning to icicles. when the last bit of razor fur turned to water i grabbed my knives. i rushed to the jeep and ripped off my clothing, letting it form a puddle on the back seat. i cranked the heat and wrapped myself in a blanket that i kept in case of such emergencies.
on my drive home i wondered how i would explain why i was driving around naked with a bleeding foot. and so you see, mr. officer, i was speeding in order to avoid such a conversation, because who in the world would believe that i just saved the world from the abominable snowman? but i hope you can see from this story that i was clearly telling the truth and you should let me be on my merry way.