The Theology of Domestic Violence: Healthy Marriages and Lessons Learned at New Way
Growing up, I thought I knew what it meant to be a wife. Having been raised by a woman thoroughly trained in the ways of the nuclear family housewife, I was certain that I knew proper from improper, and what was appropriate versus inappropriate for a lady to do. Women who were proper ladies didn't raise their voices, didn't argue, and conceded to the opinion of her husband. Women weren't meant for the public arena, weren't meant to hold high positions in the church, and certainly weren't expected to keep a job after having children. As I grew older, my ideas changed slightly. I believed that women were entitled to their say in a marriage and were just as equal as a man, but they were to play the role of servant and respect the final say of her husband. I wanted there to be equality, but my old beliefs and the new ones sprouting in my head never truly reconciled, and I forced myself into a belief system about a woman's role that was shaky at best. Now, having spent spent time alongside my husband seeking to understand what it meant to be a Christian, I feel I have come to a clearer understanding. The article, “The Theology of Domestic Violence,” by Susan Hall, further confirmed what I was feeling in my heart.
I can't say I was surprised to learn that Christian women “stay far longer in the abusive context [of marriage] and in far more severe abuse than their non-Christian counterparts” (p. 1). I know several married women who have been abused in some way: sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and abuse of their trust. If you ask why they are still in their abusive relationships, I will hear a range of explanations from “it's my fault” to “I cannot change him, but if I humble myself and pray hard enough, maybe God will.” We think we have evolved so much as women in the last century, but books still publish and we still believe the same lies that were just as powerful sixty years ago. A book I was given when I was newly married urged me to change my husband by first changing myself to conform to his liking: to be sexually appealing, to be a good cook, to be a good mother, and to be physically fit. I ate it up, and since this book was a best seller, I assume many other women did too.
This brings me to the women at New Way Ministries. These women are all escapees of dangerous relationships. Some of them seemed to have escaped too late. Much of their once bright personalities seems tarnished or hidden under the layers of hurt and mistrust that they wear. Because hurt and mistrust is all they seem to carry in their hearts, they unfortunately pass this on to their children as well, creating a generational curse of emotional disability. It is staggering to look down through history and see how one single abuser can end up unknowingly abusing and damaging an entire family line.
Some of these women seem to be impeccable house keepers. They work hard to keep everything clean and orderly and they are well versed in cooking; what people expect of a good wife. They bowed to every wish of their husband, thinking that this is what would get them love and value. In turn, their husbands took advantage of their good will and abused these women. It seems to be very confusing behavior, but if you think about the dynamic of the relationship, you realize that when there is an unbalanced state in the relationship where there is one person subservient to another, the dominant person will not respect the person under him, having come to the conclusion that “subservient” is equal to “lesser.” Trust is abused over and over because the woman is placed in a position where she has no say and no power in her own marriage.
What really is heartbreaking is the fact that many of these women have no means of being independent. When they arrive at New Way Ministries, they have no skills or even basic knowledge about life in the real world. Susan Hall addresses this fact:
“Finances are a critical factor in understanding why women remain with their abusive partners. Economic dependency and a woman's lack of resources are directly linked to her choice to stay in an abusive relationship... Without an advanced education or lengthy work history, these women often must raise a family on a minimum-wage job in a service profession. Since this means, many times, that they must live at or below the poverty line, many women feel that they have no choice but to stay in the abusive context.” (p. 3)
In a typical scenario at New Way, a woman goes from being dependent on her husband to being dependent on welfare in order to survive. She hasn't held a job, and because her husband sought to control her and keep her at home, she doesn't even know how to drive. A caseworker will come in and help her with many things: help her get into school or a job so that she can become self-sufficient, place her in parenting classes, teach her budgeting skills, and educate her about what a healthy relationship looks like.
Identifying a healthy relationship is something that many Christian women may not be able to recognize. So what does it look like? What does the Bible say about a healthy marriage? In the way I have come to see things, a healthy marriage is reflected in a healthy relationship with Jesus. In the Old Covenant, there were many laws that set the standard for righteousness. If you wanted to be right in the eyes of God, you had to follow the laws to the letter. If you disobeyed one, it was the equivalent of disobeying all of them. There was no way that sinful man could measure up in the light of such a high standard, and so there was a chasm created between man and God, reflected in the separation of the masses from the Holy of Holies in the temple. The subservience of woman to man was a mirror of the subservience of man to God; inequality in the marriage was a reminder of the inequality in our relationship to God.
When Christ died for our sins on the cross, the curtain was torn in the temple, giving all people access to the Holy of Holies. There was no longer a chasm that had to be crossed, and all who believed were seen as righteous in the eyes of God. So where does this leave Christian women? Paul was very clear about this in Galatians, saying in chapter 3, verse 28, that “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (NIV). If you believe and are a Christian, there is no longer any hierarchy; Christ leveled the playing field. We enter into a relationship with Jesus based on mutuality and love, and this is what should be reflected in a healthy Christian marriage. But what about the verses about submission in the New Testament? “As we analyze the Greek words for submission, we find two options: hypakouo, which denotes 'obedience,' and hypotasso, which has a wide semantic range but is closer to the idea of 'accept, honor, or love'” (p.4). This type of submission has been described by theologians as a voluntary yielding for the sake of love. This is the type of submission that is described both in our relationship with Christ in the New Testament, but also when it comes to wifely submission. Christ works in us and uses our gifts; we are not hidden and eclipsed by Him, but rather He chooses to let our individuality shine as we work in unison with Him to reach out in love to the world. So should this be the case in marriage. Husband and wife must work together in love, one not eclipsing the other. If Christ's love for the church was more often used as model, and we truly understood what that love means, domestic violence would no longer be seen as an acceptable, inevitable result.