(no subject)
It is only through Jesus thay we are forgiven and I am able to forgive through Him. Forgiveness is something I could never do before or without Him. I lived a life of selfish apathy and condemnation for things out of my control which I foolishly tried to control. Being shown I am forgiven has been incredibly humbling because I'm obviously not worthy. And at the same time I know my life is not my own and is to be lived glorifying Him. This is probably the part that is still a stumbling block for me, living a life that isn't mine anymore. But my only option if I continue is death. I'm immensely grateful every day for the deep personal relationship I can have with God, through Jesus. That He will always help me. And is always there. That he knows all of me. Is kind of terrifying but also freeing because I tried so long to bury myself from people and intimacy. The very fact I can talk, anywhere, anytime to God is staggering. And through Him, my patience, trust, honestly, integrity, compassion and love has grown and continues to grow in all aspects. Most specifically my job where my patience had worn down to almost tyrannical control over these children. I could have never turned myself around. Also my penchant for abusive relationships... Such a light has been shown to me. Esp recently. Mostly that it isn't my fault or me at all. And Jesus was sent here to restore what was broken. I don't know if this is what you were wondering or if it's worded properly but it's what came to me. I thought I rambled on pretty bad last night. But it seemed like a lot of the people there benefited from my honesty about my dirt. My addict story is old hat for me but Christianity is not. And the seriousness of the subject makes me extremely hesitant to talk about it in front of other Christians the way some of the people there are scared to goto church.