Feb 11, 2008 13:07
So Long.
I do love Guster.
and I pretty much have been listening to this song over and over, since i got back home.
I am not even sure I can properly convey my feelings in writing.
I am very blessed. I have many people around me, whom i think the world of, and I truly can talk to and trust.
I feel as though I have always been well liked, and a good friend. In fact sometimes I think that by being a good friend I enable certain behaviors or habits to continue that needed to end long ago.
I have learned over my twenty-two years, that I will get hurt, that people will let you down, but it is by the grace of compassion that has been given to us in the past that we may heal those wounds, and grow stronger, and pick up the pieces. I think that because this is my belief, that people use it as a reason to justify their behavior towards me, or lack there of in certain cases.
But i think my compassion has reached an end.
I can no longer understand.
Understanding, and acceptance will only perpetuate a cycle that I am too old for, too tired for.
I am exhausted and overwhelmed by my own history right now, and feel very betrayed, and very hurt.
I feel that my life was spent caring for the wrong people.
which seems impossible but in all honesty, why would someone hurt you so badly. And not even realize it.
I feel like life has been a row boat race, and i sit,
alone in my boat,
paddling in circles,
i am in seventh grade,
we are told to partner up,
for arbitrary gym class games
and i have to be with the teacher,
out of pity.
perhaps this is why i hate odd numbers, and to this day require the volume to be always on an even number.
I think that is really why i sought out god so strongly when I was younger.
to prevent feeling alone.
truthfully, I am most likely being over dramatic,
but if you found out that years of your life where not what they seemed.
i think it would be expectable to feel this way.
so long.