(no subject)
So very much going on lately and as always very little of it is good. Seven month ago I met (yes in person) a young woman who was troubled and we became friendly, like so many others in the past when I spot someone in crisis especially if the crisis is rape related I try to help. K (to protect whats left of her privacy) was in a bad way, she had been date-raped by a HS sweetheart she had not seen in years who came home on break from an out of state college. A short time later she was pregnant and he was like "its your problem not mine" and went back off to college, leaving this 17 yr old girl in a panic over what to do, well she got an abortion and almost from that moment on was overcome with grief and self recrimination over having in her words, "killed her baby". I met her shortly after her first suicide attempt, an overdose of Valium which she had been proscribed by the family GP as a way to get past the depression from the abortion. For the past 7 months I have been struggling with her sometimes daily to keep her spirits lifted, keep her going to the counseling she had been going to and try to motivate her to look down the road to a brighter future.
I had thought I was finely getting her out of the funk, we had recently discussed the idea that she could have a new baby, and raise this new baby as a way to make up for the loss of the other, she seemed to cling to that idea. I knew she was still fertile and her therapist had agreed that this was a good idea for a few years down the line, all of which meant she would live a few more years to reach this goal! I was happy for that and had been feeling pretty good about having helped out...then I received a hand delivered letter in a blank business envelope with a type written note in it from K, that said "by the time you read this letter I will be dead John, but dont try to find my body I dont want to be found". I sat here stunned and feeling first a wave of shock, then one of sadness for losing her and then depression, which has hounded me for three days now. Her family just thinks she ran off, she didn't leave a suicide note for them the way she did for me. I have the unpleasant task of talking to her mother and telling her what I know and showing her parts of the letter I cant show her it all because some of it is intensely personal. I am very depressed over the loss of this friend and over my failing to prevent this from happening, so far no body has been discovered.
In other news Brandy my girlfriend (long distance pen pal from the west coast) who has for a year been telling me I am the one her "Mr. Right" and how much she loves and needs and wants me, has I am told and have confirmed started advertising once again online in singles pages looking for Mr Right?! The specific caption to her add, which includes a recent picture of her is, "Still Looking For Mr. Right". To say this news was devastating would be to candy coat it, I am still reeling from the news. We have been an item now for over a year and she has been swearing undying devotion and love for me the whole time and i have fallen in love with her, we have spent several one week mini vacations together and trading snail mail letters and pictures back and fourth at the rate of 2 to 5 a week all this time. Now a "friend" who claimed to be interested in keeping me from being used, spotted her add online while browsing and made a print out of it, then confronted me saying I was being cheated on, we got in an argument, with me declaring that Brandy was different from all the others who had used me in the past, we then fought briefly and he dumped the incriminating evidence in my lap as he stormed out,(I believe we are no longer friends). I was forced to look at it and I have since backtracked it online to the site and true enough she is advertising for a new "marriage minded" boyfriend, while simultaneously writing me love letters proclaiming her desire to come here and get married and live with me forever, which we had already agreed on doing together? The two cannot exist as one, and I do not know why she would be out looking for another while telling me she has already picked me! I am hurt and depressed and life is dark and lifeless and grey.
Proving that life's little hassles come in groups, I received a speeding ticket yesterday in Lowell on RT-110 while returning from a doctors appointment, to the tune of $100.00 and whatever damage it will do to my insurance rates. My rent the landlord announced this month effective immediately is going up $100.00 and finely a virus ate my mail server (and I am told by Microsoft tech support that it is in their words FUBAR and irretrievable) so I no longer have email, life is such a bowl of cherries these days.
I keep telling myself that there is a woman out there who will want me someday, but its getting harder and harder to believe my own foolish lies. I guess I am sentenced to a life of loneliness and longing, without female companionship...which is no life I want any part of. Spending the next 20 years like the last 20, hugging a teddy bear and wishing it were the warmth of a girl is not tolerable. As it stands now I hate my life.
I had thought I was finely getting her out of the funk, we had recently discussed the idea that she could have a new baby, and raise this new baby as a way to make up for the loss of the other, she seemed to cling to that idea. I knew she was still fertile and her therapist had agreed that this was a good idea for a few years down the line, all of which meant she would live a few more years to reach this goal! I was happy for that and had been feeling pretty good about having helped out...then I received a hand delivered letter in a blank business envelope with a type written note in it from K, that said "by the time you read this letter I will be dead John, but dont try to find my body I dont want to be found". I sat here stunned and feeling first a wave of shock, then one of sadness for losing her and then depression, which has hounded me for three days now. Her family just thinks she ran off, she didn't leave a suicide note for them the way she did for me. I have the unpleasant task of talking to her mother and telling her what I know and showing her parts of the letter I cant show her it all because some of it is intensely personal. I am very depressed over the loss of this friend and over my failing to prevent this from happening, so far no body has been discovered.
In other news Brandy my girlfriend (long distance pen pal from the west coast) who has for a year been telling me I am the one her "Mr. Right" and how much she loves and needs and wants me, has I am told and have confirmed started advertising once again online in singles pages looking for Mr Right?! The specific caption to her add, which includes a recent picture of her is, "Still Looking For Mr. Right". To say this news was devastating would be to candy coat it, I am still reeling from the news. We have been an item now for over a year and she has been swearing undying devotion and love for me the whole time and i have fallen in love with her, we have spent several one week mini vacations together and trading snail mail letters and pictures back and fourth at the rate of 2 to 5 a week all this time. Now a "friend" who claimed to be interested in keeping me from being used, spotted her add online while browsing and made a print out of it, then confronted me saying I was being cheated on, we got in an argument, with me declaring that Brandy was different from all the others who had used me in the past, we then fought briefly and he dumped the incriminating evidence in my lap as he stormed out,(I believe we are no longer friends). I was forced to look at it and I have since backtracked it online to the site and true enough she is advertising for a new "marriage minded" boyfriend, while simultaneously writing me love letters proclaiming her desire to come here and get married and live with me forever, which we had already agreed on doing together? The two cannot exist as one, and I do not know why she would be out looking for another while telling me she has already picked me! I am hurt and depressed and life is dark and lifeless and grey.
Proving that life's little hassles come in groups, I received a speeding ticket yesterday in Lowell on RT-110 while returning from a doctors appointment, to the tune of $100.00 and whatever damage it will do to my insurance rates. My rent the landlord announced this month effective immediately is going up $100.00 and finely a virus ate my mail server (and I am told by Microsoft tech support that it is in their words FUBAR and irretrievable) so I no longer have email, life is such a bowl of cherries these days.
I keep telling myself that there is a woman out there who will want me someday, but its getting harder and harder to believe my own foolish lies. I guess I am sentenced to a life of loneliness and longing, without female companionship...which is no life I want any part of. Spending the next 20 years like the last 20, hugging a teddy bear and wishing it were the warmth of a girl is not tolerable. As it stands now I hate my life.