Sometimes, I wish there were manuals
I had every intention of finishing/posting the next chapter this weekend, but my grandmother has passed away.
Her funeral is next Saturday and we'll be flying out to Wisconsin this coming week to attend.
I wrote about her deteriorating health weeks ago. So, technically, I've had weeks to prepare.
But I've never been to a funeral. And no one I've ever known has died (which I'm pretty sure I said in that previous entry) &I'm even more at a loss because my dad seems to be okay and he's having normal conversations with my aunts and uncles on the phone and all I want to do is cry and talk to someone.
But I'm not the type of person to cry. Even my best friends have never seen me cry.
&I don't talk to people about my emotions because Spock has taught me well and I've gotten quite good at rationalizing them away.
What am I supposed to be doing? Should I call up my friends and let them know what happened? That almost feels like I'm begging for attention. And I'm not. I really would rather not tell anyone, but then they'd be angry when they find out I left the state without telling anyone and, oh bytheway a relative died. &I've lost a best friend before, because of the whole me not talking thing. Something about my inability to trust people (but really it's not a trust issue. It's a 'why complain about problems I can solve myself and are, actually, quite trivial' issue which is all sorts of double standards, I know, but. well.)
And right now all I can think about is whether or not I'll have to explain all this to my sensei(s) in Japanese. And oh. I'll have to look up the word for funeral.
Oh god. I just need to stop writing.
Her funeral is next Saturday and we'll be flying out to Wisconsin this coming week to attend.
I wrote about her deteriorating health weeks ago. So, technically, I've had weeks to prepare.
But I've never been to a funeral. And no one I've ever known has died (which I'm pretty sure I said in that previous entry) &I'm even more at a loss because my dad seems to be okay and he's having normal conversations with my aunts and uncles on the phone and all I want to do is cry and talk to someone.
But I'm not the type of person to cry. Even my best friends have never seen me cry.
&I don't talk to people about my emotions because Spock has taught me well and I've gotten quite good at rationalizing them away.
What am I supposed to be doing? Should I call up my friends and let them know what happened? That almost feels like I'm begging for attention. And I'm not. I really would rather not tell anyone, but then they'd be angry when they find out I left the state without telling anyone and, oh bytheway a relative died. &I've lost a best friend before, because of the whole me not talking thing. Something about my inability to trust people (but really it's not a trust issue. It's a 'why complain about problems I can solve myself and are, actually, quite trivial' issue which is all sorts of double standards, I know, but. well.)
And right now all I can think about is whether or not I'll have to explain all this to my sensei(s) in Japanese. And oh. I'll have to look up the word for funeral.
Oh god. I just need to stop writing.