Shattered and broken.
Sometimes life can really take it out of you, or at least that's the conclusion that I reached last night after crying solidly and manically for over an hour and a half over "he who shall remain nameless". I just feel so broken. I care about him so much and I'm such a mess because of it. The tears last night were 2 and a half years worth of build up. I sobbed, I screamed and whimpered like crazy. I feel so vulnerable and afraid. What gets me primarily is that I don't feel I can tell him, I'm not his type, he wouldn't want me. In fact, he wants everyone but me, or at least that's the impression that I get.
Both my parents really think I should tell him, they're convinced I'm only going to make myself worse if I don't but I've almost convinced myself over what I think he'll say. It could ruin the friendship I've worked so hard on, he could look at me bewildered, the thought of it could turn him away for good. I couldn't live with that. Yet at the same time how can I live like this? I'm constantly thinking about him, him and all his ways, everything he does, everything he says, it's driving me crazy, it's unbearable.
The thing that sticks out most is that it's not the right time. Time, that little word has me more on the verge of tears than any other. It's never the right TIME. never...but yet I can't stop thinking about him. Can't help praying that one day he'll see me how I see him.
I have to tell him. Not now. He's not in a place to deal with it. But soon. Whether soon be after the exams or in 4 years after University, he has to know. I expect to feel exactly the same after Uni. I've liked other guys from time to time but it's always come back to him. Always. It's always him who's on my mind. Even if it tears me into pieces, it has to be out of me so that I can move on, carry on with my life rather than letting him take over my every thought.
Pray for me, please. I'm in such a state and I have to cope with my exams. But more than anything pray that I can give this over to God and NOT take it back. I don't have to live with this as a burden. The idea is to leave all burdens at the foot of Jesus' cross. Please pray that I can do that, pray that I can be saved from all of the upset and the hurt that I've been suffering. Thank you...
"I'm all out of faith.
This is how I feel.
I'm cold and I am shamed,
Bound and broken on the floor.
Illusion that has changed,
Into something real.
I'm wide awake and I can see,
The perfect sky is torn."
Trying so hard to forget.
God bless,
love Kate xxx
Both my parents really think I should tell him, they're convinced I'm only going to make myself worse if I don't but I've almost convinced myself over what I think he'll say. It could ruin the friendship I've worked so hard on, he could look at me bewildered, the thought of it could turn him away for good. I couldn't live with that. Yet at the same time how can I live like this? I'm constantly thinking about him, him and all his ways, everything he does, everything he says, it's driving me crazy, it's unbearable.
The thing that sticks out most is that it's not the right time. Time, that little word has me more on the verge of tears than any other. It's never the right TIME. never...but yet I can't stop thinking about him. Can't help praying that one day he'll see me how I see him.
I have to tell him. Not now. He's not in a place to deal with it. But soon. Whether soon be after the exams or in 4 years after University, he has to know. I expect to feel exactly the same after Uni. I've liked other guys from time to time but it's always come back to him. Always. It's always him who's on my mind. Even if it tears me into pieces, it has to be out of me so that I can move on, carry on with my life rather than letting him take over my every thought.
Pray for me, please. I'm in such a state and I have to cope with my exams. But more than anything pray that I can give this over to God and NOT take it back. I don't have to live with this as a burden. The idea is to leave all burdens at the foot of Jesus' cross. Please pray that I can do that, pray that I can be saved from all of the upset and the hurt that I've been suffering. Thank you...
"I'm all out of faith.
This is how I feel.
I'm cold and I am shamed,
Bound and broken on the floor.
Illusion that has changed,
Into something real.
I'm wide awake and I can see,
The perfect sky is torn."
Trying so hard to forget.
God bless,
love Kate xxx