It... begins again...
Everything is all my fault... Always will be always has been....
I don't know what to write... I'm distressed... I'm mad... I'm mad at him for leaving me... for being mad at me for... for being home.. for trying to unpack....
I shouldn't have... I should have fought my mother... which hurts like hell, might I add... and gotten on the computer... and talked to him... You know, I didn't want to spend time with my mother. I didn't want to unpack and settle back in.. I didn't want to do anything except for wait for him like always! .... fuck you....
He says he waited 7 hours... but when I came online, it said he was only online for an hour.... What do I say to this?
Nothing.. that's what I say.. So I sit here and cry as quietly as possible... because he didn't even say he loved me before he left me... maybe he doesn't anymore.. maybe he shouldn't.... I'm nothing. Nothing nothing nothing!!
So... it's sad to admit.. but I'll probably cry myself to sleep... and he probably won't even care...
For the first time in months, I've hurt myself again... I can see the bruise blooming on my arm, right above the elbow, blue and purple. And I can only make a lame excuse and say it was from unpacking and moving stuff around.. but we all know.. it's really because I bashed my arm as hard as I could. I aimed for the edge of the desk, I aimed for pain.. And we all know that I deserved it.. that I deserve more and that I shouldn't stop until I die... It's punishment... for not being here, for being me in general... Stupid faulty Heather...
You know... if he doesn't like who I am.... or anything about me... or how I act or ANYTHING AT ALL.... he doesn't have to date me... He doesn't have to suffer through day after day of telling me he loves me.. because I know how he suffers, it's so obvious. It's probably obvious to everyone. Why doesn't he just ditch the loser, me, and move on. To someone better. Loads of girls throw themselves at him everytime.. and what did one say to me? Oh yea... "I'm better for him than you, I deserve him more." Maybe it's true, maybe he's with her, and he just doesn't... I don't know.. he likes taking pleasure out of the thought that I'm so mindless and in love with him and he doesn't give a FUCK about me... Maybe? I'm just making it up.. I am me after all. Dysfunctional, paranoid, cry-baby me... The useless one. The worthless one. The nothing. The one not worthy enough to be with him. The worst girlfriend he's ever had. I could go on and on and on....
I don't know what to write... I'm distressed... I'm mad... I'm mad at him for leaving me... for being mad at me for... for being home.. for trying to unpack....
I shouldn't have... I should have fought my mother... which hurts like hell, might I add... and gotten on the computer... and talked to him... You know, I didn't want to spend time with my mother. I didn't want to unpack and settle back in.. I didn't want to do anything except for wait for him like always! .... fuck you....
He says he waited 7 hours... but when I came online, it said he was only online for an hour.... What do I say to this?
Nothing.. that's what I say.. So I sit here and cry as quietly as possible... because he didn't even say he loved me before he left me... maybe he doesn't anymore.. maybe he shouldn't.... I'm nothing. Nothing nothing nothing!!
So... it's sad to admit.. but I'll probably cry myself to sleep... and he probably won't even care...
For the first time in months, I've hurt myself again... I can see the bruise blooming on my arm, right above the elbow, blue and purple. And I can only make a lame excuse and say it was from unpacking and moving stuff around.. but we all know.. it's really because I bashed my arm as hard as I could. I aimed for the edge of the desk, I aimed for pain.. And we all know that I deserved it.. that I deserve more and that I shouldn't stop until I die... It's punishment... for not being here, for being me in general... Stupid faulty Heather...
You know... if he doesn't like who I am.... or anything about me... or how I act or ANYTHING AT ALL.... he doesn't have to date me... He doesn't have to suffer through day after day of telling me he loves me.. because I know how he suffers, it's so obvious. It's probably obvious to everyone. Why doesn't he just ditch the loser, me, and move on. To someone better. Loads of girls throw themselves at him everytime.. and what did one say to me? Oh yea... "I'm better for him than you, I deserve him more." Maybe it's true, maybe he's with her, and he just doesn't... I don't know.. he likes taking pleasure out of the thought that I'm so mindless and in love with him and he doesn't give a FUCK about me... Maybe? I'm just making it up.. I am me after all. Dysfunctional, paranoid, cry-baby me... The useless one. The worthless one. The nothing. The one not worthy enough to be with him. The worst girlfriend he's ever had. I could go on and on and on....