The joy of the Lord does not negate life sucking
life sucks and the people that hurt you the most are always the ones that are closest to you. I am so very frustrated with my parents. I love them so much but they lie to me and continually go back on their word. If it was just once that is easily forgiven but over and over and over it is so hard to do yet Jesus told Peter to forgive 70 times 7. So easy to say and do. I don't trust their words, I can't, it hurts too much. I am so tired of the lies and the secrets. Everything is secret. I hate the masks and the facades. Why do we try to pretend? I don't care how much my parents try to justify their actions to me, it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't make me stop feeling hurt and anger and disappointment. I feel like I try and I try but nothing is ever good enough. Is it all for nothing? I am so frustrated and tired of it all.
Life isn't easy is what my dad told me while trying to appologize for hurting me. Well, no duh! Even Jesus didn't tell us it would be easy. He said welcome to the cross which basically means welcome to suffering, humiliation, and excruciating pain.
There are days when I would like to just run away from my family and start over. I keep thinking that somehow my humanity will disappear and I will suddenly be perfect and I'll find the perfect husband and we'll have the first perfect family apart from mine. Wake up Bonnie and quite being so stupid and blind to your own humanity!! How arragant can I be? There are times when I really dispise myself and loath my own humanity and sinfulness. It grates on my nerves and I want to die. Someday I will but I am a fighter and I don't lay down and die when things get hard. I just fight harder.
I fight for justice. I see things as black and white, good and bad. Well when I perceive things to be wrong it really angers me. Part of me wants to give out grace and part of me desires others to feel my own pain and anger.
I just can't give up yet.
Life isn't easy is what my dad told me while trying to appologize for hurting me. Well, no duh! Even Jesus didn't tell us it would be easy. He said welcome to the cross which basically means welcome to suffering, humiliation, and excruciating pain.
There are days when I would like to just run away from my family and start over. I keep thinking that somehow my humanity will disappear and I will suddenly be perfect and I'll find the perfect husband and we'll have the first perfect family apart from mine. Wake up Bonnie and quite being so stupid and blind to your own humanity!! How arragant can I be? There are times when I really dispise myself and loath my own humanity and sinfulness. It grates on my nerves and I want to die. Someday I will but I am a fighter and I don't lay down and die when things get hard. I just fight harder.
I fight for justice. I see things as black and white, good and bad. Well when I perceive things to be wrong it really angers me. Part of me wants to give out grace and part of me desires others to feel my own pain and anger.
I just can't give up yet.