goodbye and i choke, wanna stumble when you are not here
Title: somethings you can't take
Fandom: gossip girl
Characters: blair waldorf, dan humphrey, chuck bass
Pairing: dair/chair forever battles
Warnings: gen
Summary: blair considers the new blair, the old blair and the future blair and she realises she doesn't like any of them very much
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What are you waiting for?
(He asks, but does he want the answer?)
She consoles herself with the knowledge that he might stay even if the tells him the truth.
But then again, it all comes down to Serena.
Again.
But she remembers Nate and Chuck and Louis and the resolve to be better crumbles.
She sinks into 'I want to be the old Blair' but she doesn't.
Shouldn't.
Can't.
The Old Blair was weak, controlled by chess pieces around her. She was a pawn, constantly two steps behind the game.
So she smiles, falters for a moment, but smiles despite of it.
(He loves her, right?)
She steps outside, into the cold, and the bitter air spirals her into a cruel, crippling realisation.
(Ping!)
Gossip Girl here! Wake up and smell the roses Waldorf. Your coat tails are sweeping the dust of Brooklyn's streets. Time to come back home Miss B, your Louboutin's are getting cold.....
She slinks into a sidestreet as the comments ooze through the cyberspace, ridiculing her choice in men, her choice in shoes and most importantly, her choice in friends.
She feels dirty, feels cheap and most of all she feels betrayed.
There was only one person she told about her rendezvous.
Her fingers are typing the number before she can register the call, the familiar anxiety pervades the air.
'Oh B, I'm so sorry. I just.. I wasn't.. look, I'm sorry. It's not what you think. I didn't mean to...'
And Blair lets the old spiel run dry until S has realised she hasn't said anything.
'B?'
But Blair passes her phone to a bartender and ensures he drops it in a pitcher of scotch.
'Good riddance.'
Whatever the press says, the truth is much, much worse.
Serena follows her around like a lost puppy for a day and when Blair tires of being harassed indoors, she finds the paparazzi a lesser of two evils.
'So.. how do you feel about being crowned Crown Princess Kardashian?'
She doesn't have a reply.
Dan tries to call. But she doesn't have a phone anymore.
Serena tries to ask questions.
'Are you and Dan ok?'
She's too stupid to see what's right in front of her.
Blair drifts in a world covered in the lies and betrayals of the people around her.
Sometimes she wonders what it would've been like not to live on page 6.
(Sometimes she wonder what it would've been like to have a proper best friend )
Fairytales. Wishes. Pathetic, insipid dreams.
Dan tries to visit. But she doesn't know what to say anymore. (How's your third book coming along? Ugh.)
She tries to forgive Serena. They go to Barlow's for dinner and she smiles and manages to make it through without thinking about hurting her.
It'll be ok.
If she can stop hating her for long enough to make conversation.
(Why does Serena ruin everything?)
Chuck tries to visit. Dorota knows what to do.
As he yells out her name, her old dreams, her old mantra, she stops feeling sorry for herself and get's her computer.
Enough is enough.
( Yale: Mid-Term Admissions )
Thankfully, the Dean doesn't remember her.
Neither does his secretary.
The press spells out her name in glitter and photoshop her hair to gleam.
S
e
r
e
n
a
The name itself has her throwing up her breakfast and crying.
Her best friend, her best friend has done it again. Has ruined her again.
Dan texts her.
Pick up? Please?
But she can't.
She's too busy pretending it doesn't hurt her.
She's lost everything.
Again.
How pathetic.
: It's the second bulldog she's had to give to polite homeless people. This is getting much too embittering. :
The door to her bedroom creaks open and from the way the light suddenly brightens in the room she knows it's Serena.
"Aw, B..."
She crawls onto the bed and curls up next to her.
'I wanted to do so much. Fall in love, be my own person... and now look at me. Everything I wanted has been ruined. Everything.'
'Don't say that Blair. You've got your whole future ahead of you. You're going to be ok.' is what she says
'Don't say that Blair. You've got Dan. You've got everything. Stop acting like it's all over.' is what she means.
Blair wishes she would just shut up.
somewhere in her mind she thinks how easy it must be for those people with no aspirations or dreams or goals.
: serena's life is easy. :
But Serena does make a point.
She has Dan. She hasn't lost everything.
Because the one thing Serena couldn't take from her was her heart.