Lively Today

Oct 16, 2011 13:52

Feeling pretty lively today, I woke up on the right side of the bed I suppose. Too bad it was also the early as fuck side of the bed.
I still haven't decided what the purpose of this journal is going to be now that I've resurrected it perhaps, it doesn't need one. For now it can be the void into which I scream at the top of my lungs from time to time. I'm sure if anyone from my current attempt at a real life would be amazed that I feel like I have the time or need to do this, but somehow I do.

I've been having burning dreams lately, its pretty awful and beautiful at the same time. I keep dreaming that I'm pouring gasoline on my own head and then I lite myself ablaze. There must be something seriously wrong in my subconscious that I feel like lighting myself ablaze. Now, I'll admit the political situation has me a little heated I'm not going to go hindu and set myself on fire to prove my point.

But anyway, I have no idea whats going on with this dream, but it seriously reminds of this terribly bad trip I had a few years ago. This bad trip was the bad trip to end all bad trips, something that bad trip legends are made of. Anyway, this thing lasted by the way like more than 12 miserable hours, during which for the only time in my life I was tripping so bad I didn't know where I was and all kinds of terrible things happened. I'll spare the details but if someone or something in the void is interested in my little story I'll share more later. Anyway, in this terrible trip I at one point thought my right arm had been blown off and incinerated but somehow it felt really great and warm, albeit terrifying. This dream is just like that, somehow, setting myself on fire is terrifying, but at the same time it feels wonderfully great.

Maybe my brain is telling me to let the fuck go. Maybe its telling me to radically change myself and or my life. Or maybe its smoking the bear invading my brain telling me not to play with fire. I don't know, but its crazy.

Despite the dreams I've been sleeping well and have been full of all kinds of weird energy. This energy is making me want to exercise more and generally take better care of myself. She in her own way tries to encourage me, but she seems to think I'm crazy and don't need to lose weight. I wonder if I have a weird body image issue, I'm heavier than I've ever been in my entire life but I still look thin, but somehow the scale still taunts me. I gained a lot of muscle in the military and thus a lot of weight but lately I've gained somewhere around 5 pounds and consider it entirely evil and I don't know why. I just don't feel attractive lately and the 5 pounds is somehow killing myself esteem.

I don't know, maybe its just a symptom of some underlying emotional muck. I've also been thinking about a certain event in my past lately that haunts me. I'll probably most about it later in a friends only or private entry, if at all. I don't know how to deal with it honestly, it happened almost 5 years ago and I still feel weird about it and honestly, can't really speak to anyone about it. Ce la vie, I suppose I lied a bit when I said I'm better emotionally than I've ever been. I suppose I'm just different than I was and my problem manifest in a new way.
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