(no subject)
zack was supposed to bring liquor to drama. but since hes not even in drama (which is just hilarious because hes ALWAYS there) he didnt know if he could get out of class today. but he did. and he had no liquor. so it sucked.
but then leanna had like 40 adderal. so i asked her if i could have some, and i would pay her something tomorrow. and so she was like sure. and she gave me four. and i took 3 during drama, and then saved the last. then i was like whatever and took it during advanced comp.
i like it though. oh yes. its not like 'oh my god im so fucked up' though. but before i was in a TERRIBLE mood, and now im in an abnormally good mood, like im on dxm or something (yes, i get in great moods when im on it)
so i asked her if i could have like 10 tomorrow. and she was like sure. and i guess she wants to trade me for nodoz (which is actually kind of dumb) so i think im going to give her 2 nodoz for every pill. or maybe like 1.5 nodoz for every pill and she wants 5 dollars tomorrow, for 5 pills.
so i will give her... dum dum dum.. math..
4 adderal. 8 nodoz. plus 5 adderal. 10 nodoz. 10+8=18.
no, the sad part is that it took me that long to figure out LMAO.
or if i gave her 1.5 nodoz (which i think actually might be a more fair trade anyway, because adderal isnt like... expensive)
9. times. 1.5. is. oh god. oh lmao 9/2 is 4.5
9+4.5 is 14.5
so i guess i'll just give her like 15 nodoz, and 5 dollars.
sorry, i really did have to do that on here, i couldnt figure that shit out in my head. i am SO sick of thinking, its not even funny.
i finally finished my rube goldberg machine. and my historical or fiction paper for advanced comp.
so now all i must do is unit 12 in french. study for english final. study for advanced comp final. i dont need to study for civics final, civics is way too easy. its just memorizing.. and its all multiple choice.. and its like definitions.. and even if you dont know the actual definition you KIND OF know what the thing is about, and thats enough to get the question right. lmao.
and i wont study for french final. because i suck at french anyway, all the studying in the world couldnt help me now.. ive seriously gone to like 3 french classes this quarter.
and i wont study for that animal farm final that i still havent taken. because it was so long ago anyway. and theres nothing really to study, besides those stupid sheets. which i dont feel like doing.
and i wont study for science final. because science is brain numbingly easy.
and i wont study for math final. because there IS nothing to study for.. theres absolutely nothing we've done in math that i dont understand 100%. i cant even describe how omg easy math is. my god. the sad part, though, is that i did it last year, right. right. but last year it was SO much harder. like we had to actually calculate exact probability and make the equations and everything. but now, we just estimate, and she gives us the equations. its sad, really.
so lalalala. school is dumb. and its almost over. and i have no homework besides french. and all i must do is study this weekend. and by study, i mean like... reread handouts. lmao, im not a studyer.. theres no point. tests are generally easy as shit anyway. and its sad, because they are supposed to be hard. but they are not.
my god, talk about side-tracking. im bored anyway, though, so i have a feeling this is going to be a LONG AS HELL entry. ramble ramble. fun fun.
so today i went to school. early.. because i was gone yesterday, and yesterday was rube day. so i figured i would show him mine today before school, since i figured he'd rather have that than me waste his time tomorrow.
but i guess they didnt get done with them yesterday, so tomorrow will be rube day as well.
should i have known that? no. but he acts like i should have. and he acts like im fucking RETARDED. and hes like 'well uh just do it in class..' and i was like 'i dont have class today, i had it yesterday' and hes like 'well just do it tomorrow' so i was like fine.
and then hes like 'so you just didnt bring it because... pause... you didnt have it done? or what?'
and so i told him 'no, i was gone yesterday. so i couldnt have broughten it in'
in reality, of course, i didnt have it done until last night. lmao.
and then he just gives me this LOOK. like im lying. what the fuck. he cant do shit anyway because i had an excused absense. so fuck him. i hate that bastard so much.
then i went to english. and we watched shakespere in love. which was an ok movie, i suppose. why not? and then we wrote a paper thing. and mine was complete shit. but i dont care, because he cant tell me it was complete shit. because it was suppose to be a 'gut reaction'. so whatever.
then i went to the lunchroom. because we had idea day meetings instead of homebase. and since i first didnt sign up for idea day, and then got it taken away (yeah.. that makes sense..) i had to go to the lunchroom. and then i talked to chayla. and we were sitting by these 8th graders. and the one was like being spooky and asked me my name and if i was in 9th grade and such. ive seen her around though and i suppose shes seen me as well. shes cute! not in a lesbian way. but like her hair is funky and the way she dresses with her hair and such is just cute. sorry, im being kind of weird. but she is.
and then omg it was so sad. i felt so bad.
chayla went in this one 8th grader's purse (who's also really cute. lmao i swear im not weird. but a lot of the 8th graders are just cute. and a lot of them dress really funkily and things. ok im weird. i know. but they are)
because chayla's rude, i know this. its just mean to go through someone's things. but she is rude, and she knows it. and doesnt care.
and then there was exlax in the girls purse. and i felt so bad. i was like omg poor little cute 8th grader. i seriously felt REALLY bad, and still do. its not like i know her or anything. but shes friends with alisha and ive talked to her a bit a few times. and its just really sad to know shes going through it. i feel really bad. i never really think about other people having EDs. i cant imagine someone going through those things. and i just feel really bad. i wish i could just take away all her pain that i know shes going if she has an ED. and its just really sad, because like i said shes really cute. and its really sad to think she doesnt know/think/believe this.
ok im rambling, i know. but exlax in a purse just screams ED. and it just screams saddness. my god, i just feel so bad. i dont know why.
and then i was looking at my bracelets. my red ones. my red ana ones. and she kept looking at them. the same way i've looked at people's red bracelets.
its just so sad. and i also feel bad because i know her secret. and i can just imagine how alone she feels. and i want her to know shes not the only one, and that i know how she feels. and that we have something in common (as sad as that is). and that we should be friends (NOT because i want an ana buddy, i have enough over the internet. just because i feel like i need to help her. i dont know why. i just feel like im obligated to help her out of this. or to at least let her know that she doesnt deserve any of this). and that she isnt ugly or fat or a bad person or whatever nasty things her mind says to her and that she doesnt deserve to hate herself and put herself through so much pain.
sorry, again rambling. but it was just so sad. and i seriously feel really bad. like, i never thought i could feel this bad for someone i dont know at all.
maybe she was just constipated. i hope so. i really, really hope so. but when she found that chayla was looking through her purse, you could tell. that she knew she had to get it away before she saw the laxies (not that she didnt already) and that she has to keep her secret a secret. its just so sad. ive been through all of this. it doesnt feel like i have. if you know what i mean. like i dont think about myself as an eating disordered person. i dont really think anything about myself. just that i suck.
but anyways. enough of that.
then i went to civics. no wait, i lied. first me and chayla went to her science room (because i let her steal my rube goldberg machine since she didnt do one and we could have partners but i had no partner. so now shes going to steal some bottles of robo for me because im chicken and i dont want to go to rehab for getting caught stealing robo) because she had to show me how to make sure it worked (yeah, thats just sad... considering i MADE the machine, but she knows how to work it better than i do)
then we walked a bit. then we went to civics (same class cuz its simecon)
then i did my simecon things with my group. boringness.
then i went to lunch. and i ate a bread peice. like garlicy bread. i would have gotten a bunch of bread peices and some sauce and shared with people, but i had no lunch money. how sad. so i just had my bread peice.
then i went to drama. and i kind of sat for awhile. then i started complaining that there was no liquor, and i had no drugs of any kind. and then leanna told me about her adderal. and then i took some. and then i helped chayla tye dye these shirts for enterprise. though im not in that class, but her little group thing needed help badly. and i had nothing to do. so i tye dyed. and that one girl was being a fucking BITCH to me. and i was about to slap her across the face. because she was acting like i was retarded just because im slow.
its hard to explain. but its always been like that. and when people talk to me or something i kind of dream off and dont pay attention. and then i have no idea what they just said. and they think im all drugged up. though i was just dreaming off. and i lack common sense at times. and i do things no one else would do. because i lack, whats the word, i cant think. lmao. i mean i dont care about anything. like when we were tye dying, i didnt care if my hands got a bit of dye on them. so i didnt bother to wear gloves. but then the bitch thought i like... forgot to put gloves on. and i was that stupid to think i didnt need gloves.
but anyways, yes. everyone always assumes im really really stupid because i do the above things often. and its not that im stupid, its just that im wreckless, mostly. and i simply dont care about little things like other people do.
and so she was acting like i didnt know how to rubberband the shirts. which i didnt, and i said i didnt. because ive never tye dyed before. so then she just acted like i was retarded, instead of actually explaining what to do. then she complained when i supposidly did it wrong. though i did it fine.
and then i went to get more water. and it was like a big thing. so i asked where i could attain some water. and she acted like i was so stupid because i didnt know they have a sink in the tech room. like i would know that, considering the only time i was in the tech room was for tech ed when it was required. and even then, we didnt use the sink.
and then i asked if it was hot water. and she looked at me like i was fucking stupid and said well yeah if you turn it on hot.
obviously, retard, you have to turn the hot water handle. even i know that. and im so stupid. but considering its school, and school has stupid issues with like hot water. and omg everything has to be luke warm because someone could burn themselves. and even if they do have hot water, it usually takes like 5 minutes for it to turn hot. and if one never used a certain sink, and was trying to get hot water, and the sink took 5 minutes to be hot. one would leave far before 5 minutes, and figure there just must not be hot water.
sorry, venting. but seriously. im so sick of being acting like im SO stupid and i have no idea how anything in the fucking world works.
and then chayla told her that just because im a stoner doesnt mean im that retarded, and even though i dont act on my common sense doesnt mean i dont comprehend simple directions. and then i laughed, because it was exactly what i was thinking. and because the girl is chayla's friend. and people dont stick up for people against their friend, unless the people is a bigger friend than the other person.
yeah, that made sense, if you really think about.
which means that chayla <3s me more than megan. that bitch.
anywayssss
then i went to advanced comp. and then the teacher was like... not doing anything. so i left for a few. and then i saw zack. and i asked him if he is the one that gets leanna adderal (since ive heard them talk about adderal before, but i wasnt sure if zack was the one that actually got it for her)
and he was like yeah. and i asked him what he could get me. and he said he could get me anything i wanted. and i was like oh my, the choices. and so i asked him about vicodin, since i like vicodin a bit and i didnt have time to like think 'hmmm what do i want more than anything' lmao. so he says he'll talk to his people and he'll let me know asap. but he hasnt made any vicodin deals lately, so it might take awhile. but he'll try to tell me before school is over.
but its cool. because zack is cool. and i figure i will get his number for when summer finally comes. and i can get drugs from him. and then i can experiment different things. because im so sick of weed. and dxm is old, and i have problems with it anyway as it is obvious. and no one really sells like varieties of things. its usually like... the coke dealer.. and the weed dealer... and its just sad. but zack has hookups. and that is cool. and so i think i will buy some things from him.
but that doesnt mean im going to become a drug addict. i swear. because like i said, experiment. i just want to try all the things i want to try. instead of binging on robo and fenadryl and weed and all those boring things. and if i get chances to experiment, then i wont feel the need to be high all the fucking time. and i will blow off steam easier than i would be if i was taking robo for the thousandth time.
sorry, again, kind of rambling. but i need to explain it. because it does sound really bad. i know this. but i really really think it wont turn out that bad. because i know zack wouldnt continue to sell me things if he knew i had a problem. because dealing to someone who is an obvious drug addict is just bad. because it gives you a good chance of getting caught. because people are on obvious drug addict's backs all the time.
yeah, it makes sense. and zack has morals. at least some. and unlike a LOT of people, he would put someone's well-being before a few dollars.
i act like i really really know zack. i really dont know him very well. we arent like, friends, at all really. but we've known eachother since like 7th grade. and so many people ive been friends with through the years have been friends with him. so we know eachother enough. and i know him enough to know that this isnt the beginning of the end. i swear to god. i know its not. even if he turns into like my main dealer and i do drugs more and more, and i try all sorts of kinds, it wont turn into complete badness. i wont let it. i cant let it. id be proving too many people right.
which leads me to some thoughts.
i know i shouldnt do drugs. i know this. we all know this. i know that i have an addictive personality. i know that i act like i know everything, and in reality i dont. and i know that drugs can lead to a LOT of bad things. and i know i shouldnt be doing them at all. and i know i shouldnt think i know everything. and i know i shouldnt keep saying i know things. and i know i shouldnt say that i know for sure i wont become a drug addict.
i just wanted to say that. i know all these things. ive considered all these things THOUSANDS of times. ive cried about this THOUSANDS of times. i think about these things everytime i think about doing something.
and i know that im just playing with fire by doing drugs at all. considering like every single person in my family has had a drug problem and/or an alcohol problem. and i know it runs in my family to be completely fucked up and get addicted to all sorts of things. and i know i should really not go down this path when i know all the like... dangers and such.
but really, i simply dont care. i will try, obviously, to not turn into what everyone thinks im going to turn into, even what i think im going to turn into. but really, i dont care. ive considered all the dangers, all the what-if's i can think of. ive listened in health class. ive heard lectures from mother after she found out i just drank or she thinks im smoking weed or whatever. but like i said. i dont care. if it happens. i guess it happens. i hope it doesnt. im really really going to try to see that it doesnt. but in reality, im willing to take the risk. because thats how important it is to me. and thats how much i want to do drugs and such.
sorry. just had to get that off me. ive been thinking about this extremely deeply because i was with father the other day. and mother told him that i stole candy's beers and was drunk (though i was on robo, but thats not the point. i was drunk....) and he told me that before i should start drinking, i should read about alcoholism. because it runs in the family. and everyone in the family has been an alcoholic (seriously, its almost everyone). and that he never thought it would happen to him. and i have to face it that i have a much liklier chance of becoming an alcoholic/drug addict than most people. and i just cant change it.
and it made me think. a lot. because its so true. i CANT change it. and as much as i think i can and as much as i say i know this i know this, i can't change the fact that odds are, im going to become an alcoholic/drug addict if i continue to drink and do drugs and dont make the decision soon that i wont, no matter what, do either one.
and it also made me think because its the first time he's ever admitted to being an alcoholic. 'i never thought it would happen to me'. and its just so sad. hes NEVER admitted it. we've all known it. everyone has. but he would never talk about it. and then he did. and it made me think because he must really care, and he must actually be worried, and he must see himself in me, and he must think that i needed someone to tell me these things, or else he wouldnt have bothered to say it. and it must have been hard for him to bring himself into it. because he never has before. and i can imagine why. and it must have just meant a lot to him to do that.
and everyone says we are alike. very alike. scarily alike. and i see it. i look like him. i act like him (sometimes). a lot of things about us are very similar. and then it made me think about how it started. i never actually think about how an alcoholic/drug addict is before they became that. and how they started. and that they were probably thinking the exact same things i was. i always figured it just happened. and it just happened to them. and they must have known, or something. and that it wont happen to me. because it happens to other people. (the same thing i thought about my ED, i might add). and i never really compared my honest to god belief that i wont become that to theirs. and that everyone must have thought that. and then it happened. and they found themselves with an addiction.
and everytime i think about what if that happened. i never really think about. i just think, oh well. it would happen. but i never actually try to imagine all the pain and heartache i'll go through if it happens. i compare it to my ED a lot.. because when i started again, before i really admitted that i had one before. i thought these exact things. and i had the exact same honest to god belief that it would not happen to me. and that i would just stop fasting after i lost X amount of pounds. and even if it did happen, then it happens. and i'll just have to deal with it. and i never really considered that EDs can hurt SO much. and the pain that i felt when i realized i had a problem cannot be described. i just never thought it would happen. i kind of knew, but i wouldnt admit it. and i always thought that i knew all the risk and such, and that if i kept 'dieting' the way i did i could end up with an ED. but i never really considered how that would effect that. and i always thought it wouldnt be so bad. and i wouldnt let it get to me so much. and once i finally admitted it to myself. and got over it. i just couldnt believe how stupid i was for thinking such things. and i thought about how decieving that honest to god belief that this wont happen to you, and even if it does, its worth it. and i think about that with drugs. and that it will never happen to me. and that i know the risks and that even if happened it would be worth it. and i know that i need to stop now before it gets too far. and i know im going to have a problem. and i know im going to regret it so much. but i just cant stop. i cant bring myself to do it. i cant admit that i have to. i cant stop denying the fact that i do have a problem already. and i just hate it so much how everything turns into a problem for me. and i hate it so much that i never do what i know i need to do. and i hate it so much that i cant do anything without it becoming a problem. and i hate it so much that i keep telling myself it will be ok when i know its not going to be, and i hate it so much that i really really dont care. and i hate it so much that i know that despite the fact that i honestly dont care now, i will care. one day. and i hate the fact that i honestly think im going to become a drug addict. and maybe if i truly believed i wouldnt, i wont become one. and maybe its just all in my head. and i dont have a problem. and i just want a problem. and i want something to consume me. and i want to be completely fucked up. so i can feel bad for myself. and so others can feel bad for me.
the sad part though, is that i thought these EXACT things when i started the ED. and i thought maybe i started because i wanted something to consume me, and to feel bad for myself, and others will feel bad for me.
but once it happened. it did consume me. and i still do like that, i must admit. and i love the feeling of knowing im succeeding by letting it consume me. i dont know why. i just need something to define me. because i am so empty. and i need things like addictions and eating disorders to try to hide behind, so i dont actually have to fill my emptiness myself. and that i dont have to be a person. and i can just be my labels.
but i cant be forever. and one day i will realize that without having a true self, and without being able to answer 'who am i'. im just fucking myself over. and sooner or later, the labels will be ripped away. and an addiction or an eating disorder wont define me. and then i'll be left to pick up the peices. and put myself back together. and find out who i am. and fill the emptiness. and make myself into myself. and stop fucking hiding behind things.
my god. i never actually thought about it like that. like, why i need things to consume me. oh my, this rambling did have a use.
but its true. and i just hate myself so much, and im so afraid of what i am and if i find out its just going to be something to hate. and theres just so much hate.... and fear... im afraid of hating myself more than i do. and im afraid if i act like me people will hate me. and then i wont be able to think that they just hate what i hide behind. but they actually hate me. and they hate the things i truly am inside. and i think if i can hide behind an eating disorder or an addiction or something that will completely consume me and something that people can think about when they think of me, i wont ever have to be myself. or find myself. and i wont ever have to experience hate towards who i honestly am.
im just afraid. so afraid. of so much.
im afraid of regret mostly. everything i do, i need to think about, and analyze, and change decisions and just forget the decision all together. because im so afraid that whatever i pick, im going to regret not picking something else. and im so afraid of waking up one day to realize that i regret something else ive done. and im so afraid of regretting my whole life. and im so afraid that if i dont make the right decision, that regret will hurt more than anything. and it just wears down on me. so much. to constantly have to think about everything. all the time. and to constantly be afraid to choose. because im so fearful of regretting something.
its not like regret is that bad of a feeling. i dont know why im so afraid of it. even if i do regret something, life will go on.
and im so afraid of waking up one day to realize ive missed something so important in life. i feel like im forgetting something. or i havent been told something. or im not doing something i need to be doing to not regret my life.
seriously. i think this might have been the longest entry ive ever had. ive been typing for like an hour straight. what a loser. but i feel like ive uncovered things i seriously havent thought about before. just because i let it all flow. and i feel like such a nerd. and everyone who reads this (if they waste so much time) is going to know im so nerdy. and i know that all these things are obvious. and i really did know them. i just dont like admitting things. because what if im wrong? i cant be wrong. so i cant admit things. and i cant think about things throughly in my head, because after awhile i get confused and forget what i was thinking about. but now. its all here. and i cant deny thinking it. and i cant forget it. and i cant just let it go to the place of no return. and even if in like an hour i realize that i cant remember anything, and adderal really really fucks you up, i cant read this. yes.
i really dont want to become a drug addict. and now that i think about it again. i know im just being overly paranoid. and that i just need to do things in moderation, which to be quite honest i have been. and i have to because i dont have money. and it limits the real threat of taking too much too often. and i honestly think im just worrying over nothing. i just had to get all these things out though. you know. havent had a nice long ramble for awhile. and the adderal is just like... making me really floopy. and i cant stop thinking. and i cant stop typing. i swear to god. it makes you so hyper. oh my. and i just feel like doing everything right now. but i cant stop typing. because im so into this. lmao. if you've smoked weed or been on something, you most likely know what i mean by im into this. like you get so entranced. and your just so interested. so much more interested than you would be sober. and your just having fun. and being entertained. and enjoying yourself. thats what 'im so into this' means.
because only on drugs, at least ive noticed, can i actually think 'i am having fun right now' usually fun, when ur sober, is just a memory. because ur too busy doing whatever thats fun to think if you are having a good time or not. and its just funny. because right now i can do this and totatally think about how entertained i am at the moment. and just how interested in typing and talking and knowing at least jennifer will kind of skim through this maybe. and even if she doesnt, and even if its never read again, its not the point. because im just so entertained at this moment. im like smiling. because ive never had so much fun putting an entry in on LJ. and its really sad, actually. i need to stop.
i seriously just noticed just how much the adderal is affecting me. its really nice. i like it a lot. im not going to become an addict though, not to fear. even if i did, leanna is kind of normal. and she is like... an adderal fiend. and its really funny.
but omg i didnt really think adderal was doing much to me at all. until right now. and i just realized omg how much energy is has given me. its just different, you know. than like dxm or fenadryl or weed or any psycedilics (i know i spelled that completely wrong but i dont feel like hitting backspace and trying to remember and sound out how you spell it) since i do mostly them. but its a lot different. and its subtle. and you never really notice how fucked you are. because its not like... a body high. really. except that my head is tingling. and i feel really energetic. but it cant even be described as high. or a body high. and you dont see things or anything. and you dont like... perceive things different. ur perspective is all the same. like on dxm, everything usually seems a little darker. like vision-wise. and i notice that just the way i am seeing is different than normal. but right now. nothing. i cant recall how i acted before i took it. but its not like omg im so fucked up im a different person i cant remember anything. its more like, its just so subtle. i never really think about like... how entertained i am by typing when im sober. but right now. i can think about. and its interesting to think about just how interested i am right now.
OMG SERIOUSLY IM GOING TO STOP. I COMPLETELY IGNORED JENNIFER FOR LIKE THE PAST TWO HOURS BECAUSE IVE BEEN TYPING BECAUSE ADDERAL IS THE SHIT AND ITS JUST LIKE OMFG. i am in a really good mood right now. like. a lot. and i really really really like adderal i think. i love this. i need to ask leanna for some for on tuesday and wednesday, when i have all my finals. because i swear to god, i am just so happy right now. nothing could break this. and im so energetic. and so excited. and so entertained. and its just nice. because theres like... nothing that could break me right now..
ok seriously. like i said. im shutting up. the end. goodbye.
omg adderal is fucking raw (yeah jennifers word)
like i said though, i wont be addicted to adderal. please. i would like to feel this way all the time. but not enough to actually pay the adderal to be on it always (not thats its really that much, because i took four, and we see how i am). and its probably bad to take if you dont have add or whatever. and even if i did have unlimited supply and everything. it would start to feel different. just like dxm has. until i kind of regret taking it in the first place. and its just not exciting anymore. and you have to take more and more. and no matter how much you take. its just not exciting. because you've felt this way so many fucking times its not even funny. and its not different anymore. and its just the same. until you just want something new just so you can feel something different.
sorry. just a reason i doubt i'll become addicted to anything (esp adderal, i dont think i could even handle being so omfg hyper all the time)
im so interested in this. i was supposed to go to chayla's. i dont want to waste all my 'high' sitting here. i need to leave.
but i just want to say. goodbye. and i like adderal a lot. and im glad i tried it. and its a lot different than like taking a whole bunch of nodoz. because those make you feel shitty. and i feel wonderful right now. and its not like dxm. because dxm doesnt give you so much energy. or make you like... so... like this. and its more for fucking up ur world. and ur perception of things. and exploring different kinds of consienness. (again, the spelling, the backspace and such). and this is just... for like.. making you feel better than you normally would. but you still feel normal, just a better normal.
OK SERIOUSLY I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IVE BEEN BLABBING ABOUT FOR SO LONG. IM SHUTTING UP. GOODBYE.
i like adderal. this is so much fun. mmm. i dont think im felt so good in a long long long long long time. my god.
goodbye. for the last time.
the end. my god. shut up self!!!!!!!
but then leanna had like 40 adderal. so i asked her if i could have some, and i would pay her something tomorrow. and so she was like sure. and she gave me four. and i took 3 during drama, and then saved the last. then i was like whatever and took it during advanced comp.
i like it though. oh yes. its not like 'oh my god im so fucked up' though. but before i was in a TERRIBLE mood, and now im in an abnormally good mood, like im on dxm or something (yes, i get in great moods when im on it)
so i asked her if i could have like 10 tomorrow. and she was like sure. and i guess she wants to trade me for nodoz (which is actually kind of dumb) so i think im going to give her 2 nodoz for every pill. or maybe like 1.5 nodoz for every pill and she wants 5 dollars tomorrow, for 5 pills.
so i will give her... dum dum dum.. math..
4 adderal. 8 nodoz. plus 5 adderal. 10 nodoz. 10+8=18.
no, the sad part is that it took me that long to figure out LMAO.
or if i gave her 1.5 nodoz (which i think actually might be a more fair trade anyway, because adderal isnt like... expensive)
9. times. 1.5. is. oh god. oh lmao 9/2 is 4.5
9+4.5 is 14.5
so i guess i'll just give her like 15 nodoz, and 5 dollars.
sorry, i really did have to do that on here, i couldnt figure that shit out in my head. i am SO sick of thinking, its not even funny.
i finally finished my rube goldberg machine. and my historical or fiction paper for advanced comp.
so now all i must do is unit 12 in french. study for english final. study for advanced comp final. i dont need to study for civics final, civics is way too easy. its just memorizing.. and its all multiple choice.. and its like definitions.. and even if you dont know the actual definition you KIND OF know what the thing is about, and thats enough to get the question right. lmao.
and i wont study for french final. because i suck at french anyway, all the studying in the world couldnt help me now.. ive seriously gone to like 3 french classes this quarter.
and i wont study for that animal farm final that i still havent taken. because it was so long ago anyway. and theres nothing really to study, besides those stupid sheets. which i dont feel like doing.
and i wont study for science final. because science is brain numbingly easy.
and i wont study for math final. because there IS nothing to study for.. theres absolutely nothing we've done in math that i dont understand 100%. i cant even describe how omg easy math is. my god. the sad part, though, is that i did it last year, right. right. but last year it was SO much harder. like we had to actually calculate exact probability and make the equations and everything. but now, we just estimate, and she gives us the equations. its sad, really.
so lalalala. school is dumb. and its almost over. and i have no homework besides french. and all i must do is study this weekend. and by study, i mean like... reread handouts. lmao, im not a studyer.. theres no point. tests are generally easy as shit anyway. and its sad, because they are supposed to be hard. but they are not.
my god, talk about side-tracking. im bored anyway, though, so i have a feeling this is going to be a LONG AS HELL entry. ramble ramble. fun fun.
so today i went to school. early.. because i was gone yesterday, and yesterday was rube day. so i figured i would show him mine today before school, since i figured he'd rather have that than me waste his time tomorrow.
but i guess they didnt get done with them yesterday, so tomorrow will be rube day as well.
should i have known that? no. but he acts like i should have. and he acts like im fucking RETARDED. and hes like 'well uh just do it in class..' and i was like 'i dont have class today, i had it yesterday' and hes like 'well just do it tomorrow' so i was like fine.
and then hes like 'so you just didnt bring it because... pause... you didnt have it done? or what?'
and so i told him 'no, i was gone yesterday. so i couldnt have broughten it in'
in reality, of course, i didnt have it done until last night. lmao.
and then he just gives me this LOOK. like im lying. what the fuck. he cant do shit anyway because i had an excused absense. so fuck him. i hate that bastard so much.
then i went to english. and we watched shakespere in love. which was an ok movie, i suppose. why not? and then we wrote a paper thing. and mine was complete shit. but i dont care, because he cant tell me it was complete shit. because it was suppose to be a 'gut reaction'. so whatever.
then i went to the lunchroom. because we had idea day meetings instead of homebase. and since i first didnt sign up for idea day, and then got it taken away (yeah.. that makes sense..) i had to go to the lunchroom. and then i talked to chayla. and we were sitting by these 8th graders. and the one was like being spooky and asked me my name and if i was in 9th grade and such. ive seen her around though and i suppose shes seen me as well. shes cute! not in a lesbian way. but like her hair is funky and the way she dresses with her hair and such is just cute. sorry, im being kind of weird. but she is.
and then omg it was so sad. i felt so bad.
chayla went in this one 8th grader's purse (who's also really cute. lmao i swear im not weird. but a lot of the 8th graders are just cute. and a lot of them dress really funkily and things. ok im weird. i know. but they are)
because chayla's rude, i know this. its just mean to go through someone's things. but she is rude, and she knows it. and doesnt care.
and then there was exlax in the girls purse. and i felt so bad. i was like omg poor little cute 8th grader. i seriously felt REALLY bad, and still do. its not like i know her or anything. but shes friends with alisha and ive talked to her a bit a few times. and its just really sad to know shes going through it. i feel really bad. i never really think about other people having EDs. i cant imagine someone going through those things. and i just feel really bad. i wish i could just take away all her pain that i know shes going if she has an ED. and its just really sad, because like i said shes really cute. and its really sad to think she doesnt know/think/believe this.
ok im rambling, i know. but exlax in a purse just screams ED. and it just screams saddness. my god, i just feel so bad. i dont know why.
and then i was looking at my bracelets. my red ones. my red ana ones. and she kept looking at them. the same way i've looked at people's red bracelets.
its just so sad. and i also feel bad because i know her secret. and i can just imagine how alone she feels. and i want her to know shes not the only one, and that i know how she feels. and that we have something in common (as sad as that is). and that we should be friends (NOT because i want an ana buddy, i have enough over the internet. just because i feel like i need to help her. i dont know why. i just feel like im obligated to help her out of this. or to at least let her know that she doesnt deserve any of this). and that she isnt ugly or fat or a bad person or whatever nasty things her mind says to her and that she doesnt deserve to hate herself and put herself through so much pain.
sorry, again rambling. but it was just so sad. and i seriously feel really bad. like, i never thought i could feel this bad for someone i dont know at all.
maybe she was just constipated. i hope so. i really, really hope so. but when she found that chayla was looking through her purse, you could tell. that she knew she had to get it away before she saw the laxies (not that she didnt already) and that she has to keep her secret a secret. its just so sad. ive been through all of this. it doesnt feel like i have. if you know what i mean. like i dont think about myself as an eating disordered person. i dont really think anything about myself. just that i suck.
but anyways. enough of that.
then i went to civics. no wait, i lied. first me and chayla went to her science room (because i let her steal my rube goldberg machine since she didnt do one and we could have partners but i had no partner. so now shes going to steal some bottles of robo for me because im chicken and i dont want to go to rehab for getting caught stealing robo) because she had to show me how to make sure it worked (yeah, thats just sad... considering i MADE the machine, but she knows how to work it better than i do)
then we walked a bit. then we went to civics (same class cuz its simecon)
then i did my simecon things with my group. boringness.
then i went to lunch. and i ate a bread peice. like garlicy bread. i would have gotten a bunch of bread peices and some sauce and shared with people, but i had no lunch money. how sad. so i just had my bread peice.
then i went to drama. and i kind of sat for awhile. then i started complaining that there was no liquor, and i had no drugs of any kind. and then leanna told me about her adderal. and then i took some. and then i helped chayla tye dye these shirts for enterprise. though im not in that class, but her little group thing needed help badly. and i had nothing to do. so i tye dyed. and that one girl was being a fucking BITCH to me. and i was about to slap her across the face. because she was acting like i was retarded just because im slow.
its hard to explain. but its always been like that. and when people talk to me or something i kind of dream off and dont pay attention. and then i have no idea what they just said. and they think im all drugged up. though i was just dreaming off. and i lack common sense at times. and i do things no one else would do. because i lack, whats the word, i cant think. lmao. i mean i dont care about anything. like when we were tye dying, i didnt care if my hands got a bit of dye on them. so i didnt bother to wear gloves. but then the bitch thought i like... forgot to put gloves on. and i was that stupid to think i didnt need gloves.
but anyways, yes. everyone always assumes im really really stupid because i do the above things often. and its not that im stupid, its just that im wreckless, mostly. and i simply dont care about little things like other people do.
and so she was acting like i didnt know how to rubberband the shirts. which i didnt, and i said i didnt. because ive never tye dyed before. so then she just acted like i was retarded, instead of actually explaining what to do. then she complained when i supposidly did it wrong. though i did it fine.
and then i went to get more water. and it was like a big thing. so i asked where i could attain some water. and she acted like i was so stupid because i didnt know they have a sink in the tech room. like i would know that, considering the only time i was in the tech room was for tech ed when it was required. and even then, we didnt use the sink.
and then i asked if it was hot water. and she looked at me like i was fucking stupid and said well yeah if you turn it on hot.
obviously, retard, you have to turn the hot water handle. even i know that. and im so stupid. but considering its school, and school has stupid issues with like hot water. and omg everything has to be luke warm because someone could burn themselves. and even if they do have hot water, it usually takes like 5 minutes for it to turn hot. and if one never used a certain sink, and was trying to get hot water, and the sink took 5 minutes to be hot. one would leave far before 5 minutes, and figure there just must not be hot water.
sorry, venting. but seriously. im so sick of being acting like im SO stupid and i have no idea how anything in the fucking world works.
and then chayla told her that just because im a stoner doesnt mean im that retarded, and even though i dont act on my common sense doesnt mean i dont comprehend simple directions. and then i laughed, because it was exactly what i was thinking. and because the girl is chayla's friend. and people dont stick up for people against their friend, unless the people is a bigger friend than the other person.
yeah, that made sense, if you really think about.
which means that chayla <3s me more than megan. that bitch.
anywayssss
then i went to advanced comp. and then the teacher was like... not doing anything. so i left for a few. and then i saw zack. and i asked him if he is the one that gets leanna adderal (since ive heard them talk about adderal before, but i wasnt sure if zack was the one that actually got it for her)
and he was like yeah. and i asked him what he could get me. and he said he could get me anything i wanted. and i was like oh my, the choices. and so i asked him about vicodin, since i like vicodin a bit and i didnt have time to like think 'hmmm what do i want more than anything' lmao. so he says he'll talk to his people and he'll let me know asap. but he hasnt made any vicodin deals lately, so it might take awhile. but he'll try to tell me before school is over.
but its cool. because zack is cool. and i figure i will get his number for when summer finally comes. and i can get drugs from him. and then i can experiment different things. because im so sick of weed. and dxm is old, and i have problems with it anyway as it is obvious. and no one really sells like varieties of things. its usually like... the coke dealer.. and the weed dealer... and its just sad. but zack has hookups. and that is cool. and so i think i will buy some things from him.
but that doesnt mean im going to become a drug addict. i swear. because like i said, experiment. i just want to try all the things i want to try. instead of binging on robo and fenadryl and weed and all those boring things. and if i get chances to experiment, then i wont feel the need to be high all the fucking time. and i will blow off steam easier than i would be if i was taking robo for the thousandth time.
sorry, again, kind of rambling. but i need to explain it. because it does sound really bad. i know this. but i really really think it wont turn out that bad. because i know zack wouldnt continue to sell me things if he knew i had a problem. because dealing to someone who is an obvious drug addict is just bad. because it gives you a good chance of getting caught. because people are on obvious drug addict's backs all the time.
yeah, it makes sense. and zack has morals. at least some. and unlike a LOT of people, he would put someone's well-being before a few dollars.
i act like i really really know zack. i really dont know him very well. we arent like, friends, at all really. but we've known eachother since like 7th grade. and so many people ive been friends with through the years have been friends with him. so we know eachother enough. and i know him enough to know that this isnt the beginning of the end. i swear to god. i know its not. even if he turns into like my main dealer and i do drugs more and more, and i try all sorts of kinds, it wont turn into complete badness. i wont let it. i cant let it. id be proving too many people right.
which leads me to some thoughts.
i know i shouldnt do drugs. i know this. we all know this. i know that i have an addictive personality. i know that i act like i know everything, and in reality i dont. and i know that drugs can lead to a LOT of bad things. and i know i shouldnt be doing them at all. and i know i shouldnt think i know everything. and i know i shouldnt keep saying i know things. and i know i shouldnt say that i know for sure i wont become a drug addict.
i just wanted to say that. i know all these things. ive considered all these things THOUSANDS of times. ive cried about this THOUSANDS of times. i think about these things everytime i think about doing something.
and i know that im just playing with fire by doing drugs at all. considering like every single person in my family has had a drug problem and/or an alcohol problem. and i know it runs in my family to be completely fucked up and get addicted to all sorts of things. and i know i should really not go down this path when i know all the like... dangers and such.
but really, i simply dont care. i will try, obviously, to not turn into what everyone thinks im going to turn into, even what i think im going to turn into. but really, i dont care. ive considered all the dangers, all the what-if's i can think of. ive listened in health class. ive heard lectures from mother after she found out i just drank or she thinks im smoking weed or whatever. but like i said. i dont care. if it happens. i guess it happens. i hope it doesnt. im really really going to try to see that it doesnt. but in reality, im willing to take the risk. because thats how important it is to me. and thats how much i want to do drugs and such.
sorry. just had to get that off me. ive been thinking about this extremely deeply because i was with father the other day. and mother told him that i stole candy's beers and was drunk (though i was on robo, but thats not the point. i was drunk....) and he told me that before i should start drinking, i should read about alcoholism. because it runs in the family. and everyone in the family has been an alcoholic (seriously, its almost everyone). and that he never thought it would happen to him. and i have to face it that i have a much liklier chance of becoming an alcoholic/drug addict than most people. and i just cant change it.
and it made me think. a lot. because its so true. i CANT change it. and as much as i think i can and as much as i say i know this i know this, i can't change the fact that odds are, im going to become an alcoholic/drug addict if i continue to drink and do drugs and dont make the decision soon that i wont, no matter what, do either one.
and it also made me think because its the first time he's ever admitted to being an alcoholic. 'i never thought it would happen to me'. and its just so sad. hes NEVER admitted it. we've all known it. everyone has. but he would never talk about it. and then he did. and it made me think because he must really care, and he must actually be worried, and he must see himself in me, and he must think that i needed someone to tell me these things, or else he wouldnt have bothered to say it. and it must have been hard for him to bring himself into it. because he never has before. and i can imagine why. and it must have just meant a lot to him to do that.
and everyone says we are alike. very alike. scarily alike. and i see it. i look like him. i act like him (sometimes). a lot of things about us are very similar. and then it made me think about how it started. i never actually think about how an alcoholic/drug addict is before they became that. and how they started. and that they were probably thinking the exact same things i was. i always figured it just happened. and it just happened to them. and they must have known, or something. and that it wont happen to me. because it happens to other people. (the same thing i thought about my ED, i might add). and i never really compared my honest to god belief that i wont become that to theirs. and that everyone must have thought that. and then it happened. and they found themselves with an addiction.
and everytime i think about what if that happened. i never really think about. i just think, oh well. it would happen. but i never actually try to imagine all the pain and heartache i'll go through if it happens. i compare it to my ED a lot.. because when i started again, before i really admitted that i had one before. i thought these exact things. and i had the exact same honest to god belief that it would not happen to me. and that i would just stop fasting after i lost X amount of pounds. and even if it did happen, then it happens. and i'll just have to deal with it. and i never really considered that EDs can hurt SO much. and the pain that i felt when i realized i had a problem cannot be described. i just never thought it would happen. i kind of knew, but i wouldnt admit it. and i always thought that i knew all the risk and such, and that if i kept 'dieting' the way i did i could end up with an ED. but i never really considered how that would effect that. and i always thought it wouldnt be so bad. and i wouldnt let it get to me so much. and once i finally admitted it to myself. and got over it. i just couldnt believe how stupid i was for thinking such things. and i thought about how decieving that honest to god belief that this wont happen to you, and even if it does, its worth it. and i think about that with drugs. and that it will never happen to me. and that i know the risks and that even if happened it would be worth it. and i know that i need to stop now before it gets too far. and i know im going to have a problem. and i know im going to regret it so much. but i just cant stop. i cant bring myself to do it. i cant admit that i have to. i cant stop denying the fact that i do have a problem already. and i just hate it so much how everything turns into a problem for me. and i hate it so much that i never do what i know i need to do. and i hate it so much that i cant do anything without it becoming a problem. and i hate it so much that i keep telling myself it will be ok when i know its not going to be, and i hate it so much that i really really dont care. and i hate it so much that i know that despite the fact that i honestly dont care now, i will care. one day. and i hate the fact that i honestly think im going to become a drug addict. and maybe if i truly believed i wouldnt, i wont become one. and maybe its just all in my head. and i dont have a problem. and i just want a problem. and i want something to consume me. and i want to be completely fucked up. so i can feel bad for myself. and so others can feel bad for me.
the sad part though, is that i thought these EXACT things when i started the ED. and i thought maybe i started because i wanted something to consume me, and to feel bad for myself, and others will feel bad for me.
but once it happened. it did consume me. and i still do like that, i must admit. and i love the feeling of knowing im succeeding by letting it consume me. i dont know why. i just need something to define me. because i am so empty. and i need things like addictions and eating disorders to try to hide behind, so i dont actually have to fill my emptiness myself. and that i dont have to be a person. and i can just be my labels.
but i cant be forever. and one day i will realize that without having a true self, and without being able to answer 'who am i'. im just fucking myself over. and sooner or later, the labels will be ripped away. and an addiction or an eating disorder wont define me. and then i'll be left to pick up the peices. and put myself back together. and find out who i am. and fill the emptiness. and make myself into myself. and stop fucking hiding behind things.
my god. i never actually thought about it like that. like, why i need things to consume me. oh my, this rambling did have a use.
but its true. and i just hate myself so much, and im so afraid of what i am and if i find out its just going to be something to hate. and theres just so much hate.... and fear... im afraid of hating myself more than i do. and im afraid if i act like me people will hate me. and then i wont be able to think that they just hate what i hide behind. but they actually hate me. and they hate the things i truly am inside. and i think if i can hide behind an eating disorder or an addiction or something that will completely consume me and something that people can think about when they think of me, i wont ever have to be myself. or find myself. and i wont ever have to experience hate towards who i honestly am.
im just afraid. so afraid. of so much.
im afraid of regret mostly. everything i do, i need to think about, and analyze, and change decisions and just forget the decision all together. because im so afraid that whatever i pick, im going to regret not picking something else. and im so afraid of waking up one day to realize that i regret something else ive done. and im so afraid of regretting my whole life. and im so afraid that if i dont make the right decision, that regret will hurt more than anything. and it just wears down on me. so much. to constantly have to think about everything. all the time. and to constantly be afraid to choose. because im so fearful of regretting something.
its not like regret is that bad of a feeling. i dont know why im so afraid of it. even if i do regret something, life will go on.
and im so afraid of waking up one day to realize ive missed something so important in life. i feel like im forgetting something. or i havent been told something. or im not doing something i need to be doing to not regret my life.
seriously. i think this might have been the longest entry ive ever had. ive been typing for like an hour straight. what a loser. but i feel like ive uncovered things i seriously havent thought about before. just because i let it all flow. and i feel like such a nerd. and everyone who reads this (if they waste so much time) is going to know im so nerdy. and i know that all these things are obvious. and i really did know them. i just dont like admitting things. because what if im wrong? i cant be wrong. so i cant admit things. and i cant think about things throughly in my head, because after awhile i get confused and forget what i was thinking about. but now. its all here. and i cant deny thinking it. and i cant forget it. and i cant just let it go to the place of no return. and even if in like an hour i realize that i cant remember anything, and adderal really really fucks you up, i cant read this. yes.
i really dont want to become a drug addict. and now that i think about it again. i know im just being overly paranoid. and that i just need to do things in moderation, which to be quite honest i have been. and i have to because i dont have money. and it limits the real threat of taking too much too often. and i honestly think im just worrying over nothing. i just had to get all these things out though. you know. havent had a nice long ramble for awhile. and the adderal is just like... making me really floopy. and i cant stop thinking. and i cant stop typing. i swear to god. it makes you so hyper. oh my. and i just feel like doing everything right now. but i cant stop typing. because im so into this. lmao. if you've smoked weed or been on something, you most likely know what i mean by im into this. like you get so entranced. and your just so interested. so much more interested than you would be sober. and your just having fun. and being entertained. and enjoying yourself. thats what 'im so into this' means.
because only on drugs, at least ive noticed, can i actually think 'i am having fun right now' usually fun, when ur sober, is just a memory. because ur too busy doing whatever thats fun to think if you are having a good time or not. and its just funny. because right now i can do this and totatally think about how entertained i am at the moment. and just how interested in typing and talking and knowing at least jennifer will kind of skim through this maybe. and even if she doesnt, and even if its never read again, its not the point. because im just so entertained at this moment. im like smiling. because ive never had so much fun putting an entry in on LJ. and its really sad, actually. i need to stop.
i seriously just noticed just how much the adderal is affecting me. its really nice. i like it a lot. im not going to become an addict though, not to fear. even if i did, leanna is kind of normal. and she is like... an adderal fiend. and its really funny.
but omg i didnt really think adderal was doing much to me at all. until right now. and i just realized omg how much energy is has given me. its just different, you know. than like dxm or fenadryl or weed or any psycedilics (i know i spelled that completely wrong but i dont feel like hitting backspace and trying to remember and sound out how you spell it) since i do mostly them. but its a lot different. and its subtle. and you never really notice how fucked you are. because its not like... a body high. really. except that my head is tingling. and i feel really energetic. but it cant even be described as high. or a body high. and you dont see things or anything. and you dont like... perceive things different. ur perspective is all the same. like on dxm, everything usually seems a little darker. like vision-wise. and i notice that just the way i am seeing is different than normal. but right now. nothing. i cant recall how i acted before i took it. but its not like omg im so fucked up im a different person i cant remember anything. its more like, its just so subtle. i never really think about like... how entertained i am by typing when im sober. but right now. i can think about. and its interesting to think about just how interested i am right now.
OMG SERIOUSLY IM GOING TO STOP. I COMPLETELY IGNORED JENNIFER FOR LIKE THE PAST TWO HOURS BECAUSE IVE BEEN TYPING BECAUSE ADDERAL IS THE SHIT AND ITS JUST LIKE OMFG. i am in a really good mood right now. like. a lot. and i really really really like adderal i think. i love this. i need to ask leanna for some for on tuesday and wednesday, when i have all my finals. because i swear to god, i am just so happy right now. nothing could break this. and im so energetic. and so excited. and so entertained. and its just nice. because theres like... nothing that could break me right now..
ok seriously. like i said. im shutting up. the end. goodbye.
omg adderal is fucking raw (yeah jennifers word)
like i said though, i wont be addicted to adderal. please. i would like to feel this way all the time. but not enough to actually pay the adderal to be on it always (not thats its really that much, because i took four, and we see how i am). and its probably bad to take if you dont have add or whatever. and even if i did have unlimited supply and everything. it would start to feel different. just like dxm has. until i kind of regret taking it in the first place. and its just not exciting anymore. and you have to take more and more. and no matter how much you take. its just not exciting. because you've felt this way so many fucking times its not even funny. and its not different anymore. and its just the same. until you just want something new just so you can feel something different.
sorry. just a reason i doubt i'll become addicted to anything (esp adderal, i dont think i could even handle being so omfg hyper all the time)
im so interested in this. i was supposed to go to chayla's. i dont want to waste all my 'high' sitting here. i need to leave.
but i just want to say. goodbye. and i like adderal a lot. and im glad i tried it. and its a lot different than like taking a whole bunch of nodoz. because those make you feel shitty. and i feel wonderful right now. and its not like dxm. because dxm doesnt give you so much energy. or make you like... so... like this. and its more for fucking up ur world. and ur perception of things. and exploring different kinds of consienness. (again, the spelling, the backspace and such). and this is just... for like.. making you feel better than you normally would. but you still feel normal, just a better normal.
OK SERIOUSLY I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT IVE BEEN BLABBING ABOUT FOR SO LONG. IM SHUTTING UP. GOODBYE.
i like adderal. this is so much fun. mmm. i dont think im felt so good in a long long long long long time. my god.
goodbye. for the last time.
the end. my god. shut up self!!!!!!!