Recovery
4:21 AM
Heading back up to Santa Barbara tomorrow nite, finally... I totally broke down yesterday. There was just too much going around me, not directly just the whole atmosphere.
Too much tension between my parents and me, it sucks how I can't be natural when I'm with my parents. It's the little things that get to me. Like when they call me by my boy name when I'm out in public, or refer to me with male pronouns to people in the public. Like the last time we were in a restaurant (ugh!) talk about a weird look on her face...
or...
When it was X-Mas and they parked the car in the back, turned off the front lights, and would not answer the phones and door... because they did not want neighbors or relatives know we were home. Their excuse? That they only wanted to have a nice private time, just like this Thanksgiving. But their real reason? So I would not appear in front of the relatives. How do I know? Because they exploded at me before when I said I met with my cousin in SB...
And they think they can get me to understand by giving me money... or by pampering... that's not what I want... I their acceptance, not their tolerance... that is only reason I am being independent and shutting them out of my life... and if I can not gain their acceptance, than I will demand from them respect thru my own independence. With the money thing... I'm taking it because I need it for my photography... duh... but the bulk of everything else? School, tuition, rent, etc... myself...
Heading back up to Santa Barbara tomorrow nite, finally... I totally broke down yesterday. There was just too much going around me, not directly just the whole atmosphere.
Too much tension between my parents and me, it sucks how I can't be natural when I'm with my parents. It's the little things that get to me. Like when they call me by my boy name when I'm out in public, or refer to me with male pronouns to people in the public. Like the last time we were in a restaurant (ugh!) talk about a weird look on her face...
or...
When it was X-Mas and they parked the car in the back, turned off the front lights, and would not answer the phones and door... because they did not want neighbors or relatives know we were home. Their excuse? That they only wanted to have a nice private time, just like this Thanksgiving. But their real reason? So I would not appear in front of the relatives. How do I know? Because they exploded at me before when I said I met with my cousin in SB...
And they think they can get me to understand by giving me money... or by pampering... that's not what I want... I their acceptance, not their tolerance... that is only reason I am being independent and shutting them out of my life... and if I can not gain their acceptance, than I will demand from them respect thru my own independence. With the money thing... I'm taking it because I need it for my photography... duh... but the bulk of everything else? School, tuition, rent, etc... myself...