All Is Well

[enchantedkalina]

It is the greatest feeling of relief. The results of our amnio came back and our baby is healthy. The alpha-fetoprotein test (a marker for down syndrome) was a false positive. Ah, it feels like I can breathe again. Thanks to the Gods.  They must have heard my histerical begging and spared us this heartache.

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[enchantedkalina]

No, its not too personal. The only reason I hadn't talked about it before now was because it was too painful a thought. My husband and I both knew we could not have handled a child with down syndrome. Which left only two other options. Terminate or adoption. But I felt that giving birth to a child only to give her away to complete strangers (knowing how difficult her life would have to be) and always wondering if she's ok would be unbearable which then left termination. But termination meant killing our baby. Although that was what we ultimately decided to do if the baby was unhealthy (we just couldn't doom our child to a shortened life full of ridicule, doctors and disability.) This past week has probably been the worst of our lives. Which I suppose is why I've been so quiet. We pegged our hopes on the fact that the Alpha-fetoprotein test has a ridiculously high rate of false positives. We didn't want to be forced to make the horific decision to kill our child. So we just tried our best not to think about it and didn't tell anyone (not even our families or friends) what we were going through. Now that its over and we know she's perfectly healthy, its like I've been given back my baby. In a way, because I'd had to come to terms with the posibility of losing her, I have to bond with her all over again. I know that there are more than enough people out there that would think badly of me for what we would have done. But no one who's never been faced with type of situation/decision this can understand the horror and pain that comes with it. Yea, I would have felt I had to do it (if for nothing else but in the best interests of my baby) and would have done it, but I think I would have hated myself and been in counceling for the rest of my life because of it. I'm eternally grateful that it never had to come to that. =) Sorry, I've rambled enough. =) But its nice to get it out and move past it all. =)