My year
Wow, what a year this has been. I can’t believe it’s over, and I can’t believe all of this was happening at all. Every experience I had changed me so much and helped me grow, no matter how intense or even painful it was.
People usually write lists of stuff they achieved at the end of every year, but I didn’t do it in the end of 2012… Well, my birthday’s coming up soon, so I might as well make a list now. There’s a lot I can be proud of and thankful for J
1) I let people change me even if it hurts. I let myself trust people a little bit more, and even though I opened up only to a tiny degree, it still is a huge step for me. Hopefully I won’t stop where I am now and will learn to trust my own gut feeling and people close to me.
2) I started taking better care of myself, meaning my own body and mind. I’m eating healthier food and thinking healthier thoughts. I even bought weights and a yoga mat and started a workout program at home along with going to the swimming pool. I started respecting myself more and found myself capable of speaking up in case I’m not happy with something. I am learning to get up and leave in case I feel neglected and unhappy. I am learning to let go of drama and fear. This is just a small step on the way, but I am sure I’ll get there in the end.
3) I learned that there are people who need me less than I need them and I learned to accept that without being angry with those people. I know now that it makes no sense to chase people who do not want to have me around, and that it’s no good to care too much for those who do not care for me at all. However, I still feel that it’s not that bad to care, even if you don’t feel any of that returned to you the way you want it to. I enjoy giving without expecting anything in return.
4) I grew softer and became more feminine, getting to know, to like and to use my own femininity. And I love love love it!
5) At times, I have been blind this passing year and I hurt someone without even knowing it. And then I let them hurt me back - probably in order to restore the balance in the Universe. But after thinking about it all for a long time I hope I learned from my mistakes, because in the end it was my fault to a great extent. I’m so very sorry, I wish I could make it right, but unfortunately it’s too late and I can’t. And although I’m pretty sure it’s for the better, it still bothers me a little bit. I hope we all benefited from that somehow.
6) This passing year I made a conscious decision to let myself be what I want myself to be. I love working towards this goal and I’m enjoying the results that I already have. Sometimes I feel like a soap opera actress, sometimes I feel like I won the Olympics, at times I feel loving and loved, at times I am lost and small like a homeless cat in the rain. All of these states are actually pretty awesome. This passing year I cried a lot more than before, but I feel it made me let go of the fears and pain that made me start crying in the first place. I sometimes cried in front of people who shouldn’t have seen me cry, but they were gracious enough to hear me out and soothe me down. I’m so grateful to the people who came into my life this passing year.
7) I travelled more than ever this passing year. I saw places and met people who changed me in a lot of ways. I figured out that out of all the places I have travelled to, I feel home in two countries - in Israel and in the USA. And no, I don’t feel that way here in St.-Pete.
8) Due to a lot of intense experiences I sometimes felt lost and broken, and I was saved by people who have been there for me every single time I needed them. They have been there for me for years now and I hope they will stay with me for my whole life. Yes, I know you are my blessing and I’m ever so grateful to have you as guardian angels around me.
Especially my best-est friend… You saved me so many times, You are my safety net and the closest person ever. You know I love You and I will always be there for you if You need me, too.
9) Ah yeah, I danced, I danced a lot and it has been such a beautiful challenge! I found a new family - our dance community, and I hope I’ll stay there for a long time!