Fic: The Will of the Force (3/?)
Title: The Will of the Force (2/?)
Author: emthejedichic
Fandom: Star Wars
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Siri/Xanatos
Summary: While undercover, Siri meets Xanatos, and they form a strong bond. When Siri’s mission ends, Xanatos trails her to Coruscant- but is arrested, forcing Siri to choose between the Jedi and the man she has come to love. Siri/Xan, AU
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to people who aren’t me, apart from the odd OC. I wish it were all mine, but it isn’t.
A/N: The events of this story are set around Jude Watson’s Jedi Quest: The Path to Truth. So if you haven’t read the novel, be forewarned that this fic basically gives away most of the plot. Also, from this chapter on spoilers for Secrets of the Jedi will be cropping up here and there.
Pertinent background information (info about the characters, ect. for those who aren't too familiar with canon) for the fic is here.
Previous chapters: 1, 2
Chapter 3- Let’s Take It Easy
A/n: From here on in, spoilers for Secrets of the Jedi will be cropping up here and there. This chapter also contains spoilers for Jedi Apprentice #7: The Captive Temple.
And I am so sorry about the wait! I got bitten by some plot bunnies, which distracted me from this. I’m back on track now, and I’ll try not to let it go more than a couple weeks between chapters.
Can we climb this mountain?
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go
-The Killers
-
(Siri)
I don’t hear from Xanatos after that night. He doesn’t comm me, and I lack the courage to contact him. I know that if I do, I’ll have to explain myself- and in order to do that, I’ll have to visit a part of my past I’ve promised not to remember.
But I have a more immediate dilemma at hand. I’m supposed to send a written report to the Council every standard month, and I haven’t sent this month’s yet.
I don’t want to tell them about Xanatos. The relationship we had is hardly relevant to my mission, after all. And although it can’t be denied that he’s a criminal, I doubt he’ll attack the Order again. Telling the Council he’s alive would be the right thing to do, but they don’t strictly need to know, do they?
I know what will happen to Xanatos if the Council does become aware of him- he’ll be arrested, and taken back to Coruscant for trial. He tried to destroy the Jedi Order, as well as ruining who knows how many worlds. With all that evidence, they could put him away for life.
The thought makes my heart ache, and I realize that I can’t do that to him. I know it’s the right thing to do. I know it’s my duty. Maybe I’m a coward. Maybe I’m just confused.
Either way, I make no mention of Xanatos in my report to the Jedi Council.
-
A week later, Offworld’s shipment of slaves is ready for pick-up. Xanatos will be coming personally to take them back to his company’s mines. I hope I can avoid seeing him, but shortly before Xanatos is scheduled to arrive, Krayn informs me that he has to go off-planet.
“Where the hell are you going?” I ask.
“Down to Nal Hutta,” he says, scowling.
“What for?” I demand. “You said yourself that Xanatos was an important client! What are you taking off for?”
“It’s business, can’t be avoided,” he says, patting me on the shoulder. I grimace at him and pull away (I always try to discourage him from touching me, lest he get any ideas) but he’s too preoccupied to notice. “I won’t be back in time. You’ll have to handle the transaction.”
I don’t like that idea at all. “Make Rashtah do it!”
“I’m taking him with me. You’re gonna handle it.”
“Can’t you get someone else?”
He looks at me shrewdly. “Is there something you’re not telling me, Zora? I thought that the two of you were seeing each other.”
“Well, we aren’t.” I say flatly.
He laughs. “So that’s it! He dumped you!”
“No, he didn’t,” I say.
“So you called it off?” I start to deny it, but Krayn ignores me. “Zora, I told you not to do anything that would upset him! Now you’ll handle this transaction, and I better not hear that anything goes wrong.”
Krayn stalks off, and I groan. “Perfect,” I mutter.
Xanatos arrives less than an hour later. I greet him at the landing pad.
He looks surprised to see me. “Zora.”
I give him a brief nod. “Xanatos.”
There’s an awkward silence. Seeing him again isn’t easy. I’m still feeling regret, and my common sense- which would typically remind me that I had done the right thing- is unusually silent.
“C’mon,” I say finally. “I’ll show you the shipment.”
We take the turbolift down to the ‘cargo hold’ where ‘the shipment’ is being kept. I lead Xanatos over to a set of large cells filled with slaves. “All these are yours. Two hundred and fifty.”
I watch as he inspects the unfortunate beings. I know that the arrangement should bother me, but I’ve become somewhat desensitized to this business.
Still, though, I tell myself. Think of all the illegal activities Offworld is involved in. That’s a good reason not to get involved with him, right?
It’s after I have this thought that I realize- I’m grasping at straws, looking for any reason not to become involved with Xanatos. I’d thought I could end things before they got to this point, but when I think about it, I realize that I’m just running from my fears. That isn’t right- isn’t a Jedi supposed to overcome their fears?
Xanatos turns to me. “They’ll do nicely,” he says, gesturing to the holding cells.
I nod. “Shall I have the guards transport them to your ship now?”
“Yes, that would be excellent,” he says. “I’ve got staff onboard who can assist them.”
I motion the cargo supervisor over and give him instructions to take the slaves to Xanatos’ ship. After I finish giving him his orders, I turn back to Xanatos.
“Right, so you paid fifty percent up front…”
“Here’s the rest,” he says, handing me a credit chip.
I stuff it into my pocket without verifying the amount. Krayn will be livid if the total is incorrect, but at the moment I don’t care.
“Is there anything else?” I ask.
“No, there isn’t,” he says shortly.
He’s angry with me. Well, he has every right to be.
“Look…” I take a breath. Time to stop running from my fears. “I’m sorry for the way things turned out last time we saw each other. I’d like to explain.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Alright, then. Explain.”
I lower my voice. “Not here. Krayn has eyes and ears. We need to go somewhere private.”
Without another word, I stride away towards the exit. We don’t speak as we walk to the residential building where my quarters are located. We enter my room, and Xanatos looks around. He smirks, realizing where we are, but says nothing.
My quarters are small and simple- one room with a sleepcouch in the middle and computer console in the corner. A window on the far wall looks out onto the polluted city. I could probably convince Krayn to give me a nicer room, but I’m here so little that it really isn’t an issue. Besides, I don’t need any more than this.
I cross the room to sit at the computer console. I quickly enter the security system via a backdoor I’d left myself months ago and disable the sleeper bug Krayn has planted in my room.
“There.” I say. “Now we can talk freely.”
Xanatos nods, understanding. “Surveillance?”
“It only records if certain words pop up in conversation. Any mention of the Jedi would be sure to trigger it.”
“Krayn has a grudge against them?”
I nod. “They’ve gotten in the way of some of his operations in the past,” I say, purposefully choosing not to elaborate. This is, after all, dangerous ground to tread on, although my mission isn’t to ‘get in the way.’ I’m only here to feed information back to the Council.
“So he doesn’t know that you were in the Order?”
I snort. “Of course not.”
“I see.” He’s silent for a moment, waiting for me to speak.
“Xanatos, I’m sorry for my behavior when we last saw each other,” I say, taking a deep breath. “You were right. I am afraid to get involved with you.”
He sighs. “And why is that?” His tone is uninterested, but I get the feeling it’s an act.
“That actually requires somewhat of an explanation,” I tell him, moving to sit on my sleepcouch. “Here, sit down.”
He sits at the computer terminal, turning the chair so it faces me.
I begin my story. “When I was sixteen, my Master and I were sent on a mission with another Master-Padawan team. The other Padawan was a friend of mine, though we hadn’t seen much of each other for a few years. At one point in the mission, we were separated from our Masters. During the time we spent together…” I hesitate. If I go on, my promise will be well and truly smashed.
And that’s what scares me- dredging up these old memories. I worked so hard to push them down, to bury them deep… can I really undo all of that effort?
I’ve got to, I realize. If I want to overcome my fears.
“We fell in love,” I say softly. “The other apprentice and I. And for a few days… it was amazing. We had all these hopes and dreams- we thought we were special, we thought we could somehow convince the Council to accept us…” I shake my head. “Foolish, really- but I guess it was the idealism of youth.”
Xanatos looks at me silently, his expression an impassive mask. For the first time, it occurs to me that he may hear everything I have to say, laugh, and walk away.
Even if he does… I have to do this. For my own sake.
“In the end, we had to accept that love wasn’t enough to conquer everything,” I went on a trifle bitterly. “For teenagers, that’s not easy.
“When we returned to the Temple… I think he got a talking-to from his Master, and from Yoda. After that he told me what, deep down, I already knew- we couldn’t be together. It wasn’t the Jedi way.”
Xanatos snorts a bit at that.
I shrug. “I was sixteen. You know what it’s like, growing up in the Temple.”
“Yes,” he says, voice hard. “I know what it’s like. All that pressure to be perfect, to uphold the Jedi ideals.”
“That was what I wanted,” I admit. “More than anything.”
Xanatos merely nods, eyes far away. “What did you do?” he asks after a brief moment. “When the two of you acknowledged that you couldn’t have a relationship?”
“I told him we had to act like it had never happened,” I say. “That was nine years ago, and we’ve hardly talked since.”
Neither one of us spoke for a moment. I’d expected that recounting this would upset me, but it hasn’t. I feel strangely empty inside.
“So you’re afraid to get involved with me because of that?”
“Yes. I’m afraid to fall in love again,” I admit quietly.
“For fear that you’ll be hurt as you were then?”
I nod. “I never really dealt with the pain. I was too busy pretending it hadn’t happened,” I say with a sad smile.
Xanatos nods. “This other Padawan,” he said. “Is it anyone I might have known?”
I inwardly wince. Telling the truth, telling him it had been Obi-Wan Kenobi I’d fallen in love with, does not seem like a good idea.
“I highly doubt it,” I say. “Like you said, you were before my time.”
“Yes,” he says. “But I did observe Obi-Wan and his little friends briefly.”
I don’t say anything. Today seems to be a day for reliving past memories. Obi-Wan and I used to be close, and Xanatos had tried more than once to kill him.
“That was a very dark time for me,” he says as if he knows what I’m thinking. “I did many things of which I am not proud.”
It’s not an apology. But it’s probably the closest thing to it I’m going to get. “Can I ask you something?”
He nods. “Very well.”
“You were going to blow up the Temple. What if you’d been caught inside? How did you know you could get away?”
He sighs. “I planned everything out. It was risky, but… well; I did get away in time. Had I been trapped inside, though… as I said, it was a dark time for me. I considered my own death a small price to pay for revenge.”
I take a moment to digest this. “What’s the point of revenge if you’re dead?”
He smiles. “Well, yes. In hindsight that’s the obvious question. But… I was so angry back then. Caught up in something akin to idealism. You know… taking your enemy down with you, all that rot. Besides, then I couldn’t have been tried for my crimes. A very compelling advantage of being dead,” he adds with a grin.
“Yes, I suppose so.”
“Now may I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Had I succeeded in destroying the Temple… would you be here now?”
I shake my head. “That was a few months before I was apprenticed. I was still an initiate then.”
“Then I regret my actions even more,” he says solemnly.
I’m not quite sure what to say to that. “I really am sorry for getting angry before.”
“I know,” Xanatos says.
He moves to sit next to me on the sleepcouch, putting his arm around me. I rest my head on his shoulder. I feel… safe. Like I can trust him.
But is pursuing this relationship really the best thing to do? I have everything to loose. I’m lying to him- if Xanatos ever finds out that I haven’t left the Order after all, he may never forgive me. And if the Council ever finds out about this, I’ll be in very serious trouble.
But I can’t resist any longer. While I don’t fully understand my feelings, I do know that I feel drawn to Xanatos in a way that I’ve never experienced before. Besides, the Council never has to know.
I turn my head in order to catch his lips with mine. It’s a sweet, slow kiss at first, but soon it grows more passionate.
When we finally break for air, he’s looking at me with such intensity that it takes my breath away- for in that moment; it feels like the Force itself is connecting us.
“Why is this happening?” I ask. “I mean, why us?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know. But… I trust the Force.”
I smile. “So do I.”
He takes me to dinner, and afterwards, to a small tucked-away bar. It’s filled with nic-i-tan smoke and there’s a band playing. I’m reminded of the cantina in Mos Eisely and smile at Xanatos. He smiles back, and I know he’s having the same thought.
We drink and talk for a couple of hours. I drink a little too much- I’m not anywhere approaching drunk, but I’m feeling decidedly on the tipsy side as we step outside the bar late in the evening. Everything seems hilarious.
“You’re drunk.” Xanatos informs me as we walk down the street to the lot where we’d parked my speeder.
I giggle. “No I’m not! Not yet.”
“Didn’t you ever take that class on how to purge toxins from your system? I seem to recall that it was mandatory when I was a Padawan.”
I laugh again. “Yeah…” I drawl. “I took the class. Passed with top marks.”
“Then why are you drunk?” he asks, looking more amused than anything else.
“I’m not drunk,” I explain through my laughter. “A little tipsy, maybe-“
“You’re drunk,” he says firmly. “You should cleanse your system.”
I sigh. “But Xan… this is fun.”
He raises an eyebrow at the nickname, but doesn’t comment on it. “So are you going to make me baby-sit you for the rest of the night, then?”
“I never said you had to baby-sit me!” I protest.
He looks amused. “Yes, but we wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself, now would we?”
“I’m not going to- ack!”
Xanatos eyes me from my new position on the ground. “I shall try very hard not to say I told you so.”
“That curb came out of nowhere,” I grouse as he helps me up.
“Perhaps, but I think I’ve made my point, don’t you?”
“Very well,” I reply sourly.
I take a deep breath, reaching out for the Force. I don’t make the connection right away, so maybe I’m worse off than I’d thought. When I do manage it though, the link is strong and true. I intensify my awareness of myself, until I can feel my heartbeat, each breath I take, the blood racing through my veins. Focusing on the alcohol in my system, I encourage my body to increase its natural elimination process… there. That does it. “There we go,” I say.
Xanatos smiles, looking amused. “Welcome back.”
I wince, a bit embarrassed for my previous behavior.
We’ve reached the lot by then, and we both try to remember where we parked the speeder.
“Here it is,” I say.
Xanatos takes the driver’s seat before I can offer, and we talk and laugh the whole way back to Krayn’s compound.
Xanatos parks in front of the building that houses my quarters, and it’s with real regret that I say goodnight.
“Are you staying onplanet?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I have to get back to Prynnash. We’re behind schedule as it is, and my VP… can’t really run things without me.”
Prynnash is, I know, the location of Offworld. They have several bases in the Prynnash system, which is small and has little native life. Xanatos lives at the main base on Prynnash V, but I’ve never heard him call the place home.
“Alright,” I say, somewhat relieved despite myself. I’d been trying to decide whether or not to invite him up to my quarters; now the decision has been made for me. “I’ll talk to you later.”
I kiss him goodbye and head towards my room. Funny, I think, I certainly don’t think of this as my home. But of course I wouldn’t. I have the Temple.
“Even if nobody knows it,” I mutter as I enter the building.
I freeze as I hear movement behind me. Turning around, I see Rashtah standing in the shadows near the door. The razor-sharp bits of metal braided into his hair glint as he steps into the light.
“What are you doing here?” I snap, resentful at having been caught unawares. Not only that, but I’d been talking to myself- never a good habit for a Jedi, and a potentially disastrous one for an undercover operative.
Rashtah’s reply is, as always, unintelligible. I sigh. “Hold on,” I say, taking out my commlink and activating the translator function. “What did you say?”
Turns out Krayn can handle everything on his own, he says. He sent me back to keep an eye on things.
“I can keep an eye on things,” I reply sharply.
Apparently not.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Krayn leaves you in charge and the first thing you do is go on a date. I’m surprised you’re even back tonight.
“I do take my job that seriously.”
Rashtah grunts. The comm doesn’t translate, and I hope it was merely a grunt- the translator function doesn’t always pick up nonstandard words such as insults and swears.
“So is there a reason you’ve all but ambushed me?” I ask.
Like I said, Krayn told me to keep an eye on things, he says.
“That doesn’t mean me,” I protest, hoping I’m right.
Doesn’t it?
I roll my eyes. “Fine, spy if you want to. I’m going to bed.”
-
Review? Pretty please?
Author: emthejedichic
Fandom: Star Wars
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Siri/Xanatos
Summary: While undercover, Siri meets Xanatos, and they form a strong bond. When Siri’s mission ends, Xanatos trails her to Coruscant- but is arrested, forcing Siri to choose between the Jedi and the man she has come to love. Siri/Xan, AU
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to people who aren’t me, apart from the odd OC. I wish it were all mine, but it isn’t.
A/N: The events of this story are set around Jude Watson’s Jedi Quest: The Path to Truth. So if you haven’t read the novel, be forewarned that this fic basically gives away most of the plot. Also, from this chapter on spoilers for Secrets of the Jedi will be cropping up here and there.
Pertinent background information (info about the characters, ect. for those who aren't too familiar with canon) for the fic is here.
Previous chapters: 1, 2
Chapter 3- Let’s Take It Easy
A/n: From here on in, spoilers for Secrets of the Jedi will be cropping up here and there. This chapter also contains spoilers for Jedi Apprentice #7: The Captive Temple.
And I am so sorry about the wait! I got bitten by some plot bunnies, which distracted me from this. I’m back on track now, and I’ll try not to let it go more than a couple weeks between chapters.
Can we climb this mountain?
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go
-The Killers
-
(Siri)
I don’t hear from Xanatos after that night. He doesn’t comm me, and I lack the courage to contact him. I know that if I do, I’ll have to explain myself- and in order to do that, I’ll have to visit a part of my past I’ve promised not to remember.
But I have a more immediate dilemma at hand. I’m supposed to send a written report to the Council every standard month, and I haven’t sent this month’s yet.
I don’t want to tell them about Xanatos. The relationship we had is hardly relevant to my mission, after all. And although it can’t be denied that he’s a criminal, I doubt he’ll attack the Order again. Telling the Council he’s alive would be the right thing to do, but they don’t strictly need to know, do they?
I know what will happen to Xanatos if the Council does become aware of him- he’ll be arrested, and taken back to Coruscant for trial. He tried to destroy the Jedi Order, as well as ruining who knows how many worlds. With all that evidence, they could put him away for life.
The thought makes my heart ache, and I realize that I can’t do that to him. I know it’s the right thing to do. I know it’s my duty. Maybe I’m a coward. Maybe I’m just confused.
Either way, I make no mention of Xanatos in my report to the Jedi Council.
-
A week later, Offworld’s shipment of slaves is ready for pick-up. Xanatos will be coming personally to take them back to his company’s mines. I hope I can avoid seeing him, but shortly before Xanatos is scheduled to arrive, Krayn informs me that he has to go off-planet.
“Where the hell are you going?” I ask.
“Down to Nal Hutta,” he says, scowling.
“What for?” I demand. “You said yourself that Xanatos was an important client! What are you taking off for?”
“It’s business, can’t be avoided,” he says, patting me on the shoulder. I grimace at him and pull away (I always try to discourage him from touching me, lest he get any ideas) but he’s too preoccupied to notice. “I won’t be back in time. You’ll have to handle the transaction.”
I don’t like that idea at all. “Make Rashtah do it!”
“I’m taking him with me. You’re gonna handle it.”
“Can’t you get someone else?”
He looks at me shrewdly. “Is there something you’re not telling me, Zora? I thought that the two of you were seeing each other.”
“Well, we aren’t.” I say flatly.
He laughs. “So that’s it! He dumped you!”
“No, he didn’t,” I say.
“So you called it off?” I start to deny it, but Krayn ignores me. “Zora, I told you not to do anything that would upset him! Now you’ll handle this transaction, and I better not hear that anything goes wrong.”
Krayn stalks off, and I groan. “Perfect,” I mutter.
Xanatos arrives less than an hour later. I greet him at the landing pad.
He looks surprised to see me. “Zora.”
I give him a brief nod. “Xanatos.”
There’s an awkward silence. Seeing him again isn’t easy. I’m still feeling regret, and my common sense- which would typically remind me that I had done the right thing- is unusually silent.
“C’mon,” I say finally. “I’ll show you the shipment.”
We take the turbolift down to the ‘cargo hold’ where ‘the shipment’ is being kept. I lead Xanatos over to a set of large cells filled with slaves. “All these are yours. Two hundred and fifty.”
I watch as he inspects the unfortunate beings. I know that the arrangement should bother me, but I’ve become somewhat desensitized to this business.
Still, though, I tell myself. Think of all the illegal activities Offworld is involved in. That’s a good reason not to get involved with him, right?
It’s after I have this thought that I realize- I’m grasping at straws, looking for any reason not to become involved with Xanatos. I’d thought I could end things before they got to this point, but when I think about it, I realize that I’m just running from my fears. That isn’t right- isn’t a Jedi supposed to overcome their fears?
Xanatos turns to me. “They’ll do nicely,” he says, gesturing to the holding cells.
I nod. “Shall I have the guards transport them to your ship now?”
“Yes, that would be excellent,” he says. “I’ve got staff onboard who can assist them.”
I motion the cargo supervisor over and give him instructions to take the slaves to Xanatos’ ship. After I finish giving him his orders, I turn back to Xanatos.
“Right, so you paid fifty percent up front…”
“Here’s the rest,” he says, handing me a credit chip.
I stuff it into my pocket without verifying the amount. Krayn will be livid if the total is incorrect, but at the moment I don’t care.
“Is there anything else?” I ask.
“No, there isn’t,” he says shortly.
He’s angry with me. Well, he has every right to be.
“Look…” I take a breath. Time to stop running from my fears. “I’m sorry for the way things turned out last time we saw each other. I’d like to explain.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Alright, then. Explain.”
I lower my voice. “Not here. Krayn has eyes and ears. We need to go somewhere private.”
Without another word, I stride away towards the exit. We don’t speak as we walk to the residential building where my quarters are located. We enter my room, and Xanatos looks around. He smirks, realizing where we are, but says nothing.
My quarters are small and simple- one room with a sleepcouch in the middle and computer console in the corner. A window on the far wall looks out onto the polluted city. I could probably convince Krayn to give me a nicer room, but I’m here so little that it really isn’t an issue. Besides, I don’t need any more than this.
I cross the room to sit at the computer console. I quickly enter the security system via a backdoor I’d left myself months ago and disable the sleeper bug Krayn has planted in my room.
“There.” I say. “Now we can talk freely.”
Xanatos nods, understanding. “Surveillance?”
“It only records if certain words pop up in conversation. Any mention of the Jedi would be sure to trigger it.”
“Krayn has a grudge against them?”
I nod. “They’ve gotten in the way of some of his operations in the past,” I say, purposefully choosing not to elaborate. This is, after all, dangerous ground to tread on, although my mission isn’t to ‘get in the way.’ I’m only here to feed information back to the Council.
“So he doesn’t know that you were in the Order?”
I snort. “Of course not.”
“I see.” He’s silent for a moment, waiting for me to speak.
“Xanatos, I’m sorry for my behavior when we last saw each other,” I say, taking a deep breath. “You were right. I am afraid to get involved with you.”
He sighs. “And why is that?” His tone is uninterested, but I get the feeling it’s an act.
“That actually requires somewhat of an explanation,” I tell him, moving to sit on my sleepcouch. “Here, sit down.”
He sits at the computer terminal, turning the chair so it faces me.
I begin my story. “When I was sixteen, my Master and I were sent on a mission with another Master-Padawan team. The other Padawan was a friend of mine, though we hadn’t seen much of each other for a few years. At one point in the mission, we were separated from our Masters. During the time we spent together…” I hesitate. If I go on, my promise will be well and truly smashed.
And that’s what scares me- dredging up these old memories. I worked so hard to push them down, to bury them deep… can I really undo all of that effort?
I’ve got to, I realize. If I want to overcome my fears.
“We fell in love,” I say softly. “The other apprentice and I. And for a few days… it was amazing. We had all these hopes and dreams- we thought we were special, we thought we could somehow convince the Council to accept us…” I shake my head. “Foolish, really- but I guess it was the idealism of youth.”
Xanatos looks at me silently, his expression an impassive mask. For the first time, it occurs to me that he may hear everything I have to say, laugh, and walk away.
Even if he does… I have to do this. For my own sake.
“In the end, we had to accept that love wasn’t enough to conquer everything,” I went on a trifle bitterly. “For teenagers, that’s not easy.
“When we returned to the Temple… I think he got a talking-to from his Master, and from Yoda. After that he told me what, deep down, I already knew- we couldn’t be together. It wasn’t the Jedi way.”
Xanatos snorts a bit at that.
I shrug. “I was sixteen. You know what it’s like, growing up in the Temple.”
“Yes,” he says, voice hard. “I know what it’s like. All that pressure to be perfect, to uphold the Jedi ideals.”
“That was what I wanted,” I admit. “More than anything.”
Xanatos merely nods, eyes far away. “What did you do?” he asks after a brief moment. “When the two of you acknowledged that you couldn’t have a relationship?”
“I told him we had to act like it had never happened,” I say. “That was nine years ago, and we’ve hardly talked since.”
Neither one of us spoke for a moment. I’d expected that recounting this would upset me, but it hasn’t. I feel strangely empty inside.
“So you’re afraid to get involved with me because of that?”
“Yes. I’m afraid to fall in love again,” I admit quietly.
“For fear that you’ll be hurt as you were then?”
I nod. “I never really dealt with the pain. I was too busy pretending it hadn’t happened,” I say with a sad smile.
Xanatos nods. “This other Padawan,” he said. “Is it anyone I might have known?”
I inwardly wince. Telling the truth, telling him it had been Obi-Wan Kenobi I’d fallen in love with, does not seem like a good idea.
“I highly doubt it,” I say. “Like you said, you were before my time.”
“Yes,” he says. “But I did observe Obi-Wan and his little friends briefly.”
I don’t say anything. Today seems to be a day for reliving past memories. Obi-Wan and I used to be close, and Xanatos had tried more than once to kill him.
“That was a very dark time for me,” he says as if he knows what I’m thinking. “I did many things of which I am not proud.”
It’s not an apology. But it’s probably the closest thing to it I’m going to get. “Can I ask you something?”
He nods. “Very well.”
“You were going to blow up the Temple. What if you’d been caught inside? How did you know you could get away?”
He sighs. “I planned everything out. It was risky, but… well; I did get away in time. Had I been trapped inside, though… as I said, it was a dark time for me. I considered my own death a small price to pay for revenge.”
I take a moment to digest this. “What’s the point of revenge if you’re dead?”
He smiles. “Well, yes. In hindsight that’s the obvious question. But… I was so angry back then. Caught up in something akin to idealism. You know… taking your enemy down with you, all that rot. Besides, then I couldn’t have been tried for my crimes. A very compelling advantage of being dead,” he adds with a grin.
“Yes, I suppose so.”
“Now may I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Had I succeeded in destroying the Temple… would you be here now?”
I shake my head. “That was a few months before I was apprenticed. I was still an initiate then.”
“Then I regret my actions even more,” he says solemnly.
I’m not quite sure what to say to that. “I really am sorry for getting angry before.”
“I know,” Xanatos says.
He moves to sit next to me on the sleepcouch, putting his arm around me. I rest my head on his shoulder. I feel… safe. Like I can trust him.
But is pursuing this relationship really the best thing to do? I have everything to loose. I’m lying to him- if Xanatos ever finds out that I haven’t left the Order after all, he may never forgive me. And if the Council ever finds out about this, I’ll be in very serious trouble.
But I can’t resist any longer. While I don’t fully understand my feelings, I do know that I feel drawn to Xanatos in a way that I’ve never experienced before. Besides, the Council never has to know.
I turn my head in order to catch his lips with mine. It’s a sweet, slow kiss at first, but soon it grows more passionate.
When we finally break for air, he’s looking at me with such intensity that it takes my breath away- for in that moment; it feels like the Force itself is connecting us.
“Why is this happening?” I ask. “I mean, why us?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know. But… I trust the Force.”
I smile. “So do I.”
He takes me to dinner, and afterwards, to a small tucked-away bar. It’s filled with nic-i-tan smoke and there’s a band playing. I’m reminded of the cantina in Mos Eisely and smile at Xanatos. He smiles back, and I know he’s having the same thought.
We drink and talk for a couple of hours. I drink a little too much- I’m not anywhere approaching drunk, but I’m feeling decidedly on the tipsy side as we step outside the bar late in the evening. Everything seems hilarious.
“You’re drunk.” Xanatos informs me as we walk down the street to the lot where we’d parked my speeder.
I giggle. “No I’m not! Not yet.”
“Didn’t you ever take that class on how to purge toxins from your system? I seem to recall that it was mandatory when I was a Padawan.”
I laugh again. “Yeah…” I drawl. “I took the class. Passed with top marks.”
“Then why are you drunk?” he asks, looking more amused than anything else.
“I’m not drunk,” I explain through my laughter. “A little tipsy, maybe-“
“You’re drunk,” he says firmly. “You should cleanse your system.”
I sigh. “But Xan… this is fun.”
He raises an eyebrow at the nickname, but doesn’t comment on it. “So are you going to make me baby-sit you for the rest of the night, then?”
“I never said you had to baby-sit me!” I protest.
He looks amused. “Yes, but we wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself, now would we?”
“I’m not going to- ack!”
Xanatos eyes me from my new position on the ground. “I shall try very hard not to say I told you so.”
“That curb came out of nowhere,” I grouse as he helps me up.
“Perhaps, but I think I’ve made my point, don’t you?”
“Very well,” I reply sourly.
I take a deep breath, reaching out for the Force. I don’t make the connection right away, so maybe I’m worse off than I’d thought. When I do manage it though, the link is strong and true. I intensify my awareness of myself, until I can feel my heartbeat, each breath I take, the blood racing through my veins. Focusing on the alcohol in my system, I encourage my body to increase its natural elimination process… there. That does it. “There we go,” I say.
Xanatos smiles, looking amused. “Welcome back.”
I wince, a bit embarrassed for my previous behavior.
We’ve reached the lot by then, and we both try to remember where we parked the speeder.
“Here it is,” I say.
Xanatos takes the driver’s seat before I can offer, and we talk and laugh the whole way back to Krayn’s compound.
Xanatos parks in front of the building that houses my quarters, and it’s with real regret that I say goodnight.
“Are you staying onplanet?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I have to get back to Prynnash. We’re behind schedule as it is, and my VP… can’t really run things without me.”
Prynnash is, I know, the location of Offworld. They have several bases in the Prynnash system, which is small and has little native life. Xanatos lives at the main base on Prynnash V, but I’ve never heard him call the place home.
“Alright,” I say, somewhat relieved despite myself. I’d been trying to decide whether or not to invite him up to my quarters; now the decision has been made for me. “I’ll talk to you later.”
I kiss him goodbye and head towards my room. Funny, I think, I certainly don’t think of this as my home. But of course I wouldn’t. I have the Temple.
“Even if nobody knows it,” I mutter as I enter the building.
I freeze as I hear movement behind me. Turning around, I see Rashtah standing in the shadows near the door. The razor-sharp bits of metal braided into his hair glint as he steps into the light.
“What are you doing here?” I snap, resentful at having been caught unawares. Not only that, but I’d been talking to myself- never a good habit for a Jedi, and a potentially disastrous one for an undercover operative.
Rashtah’s reply is, as always, unintelligible. I sigh. “Hold on,” I say, taking out my commlink and activating the translator function. “What did you say?”
Turns out Krayn can handle everything on his own, he says. He sent me back to keep an eye on things.
“I can keep an eye on things,” I reply sharply.
Apparently not.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Krayn leaves you in charge and the first thing you do is go on a date. I’m surprised you’re even back tonight.
“I do take my job that seriously.”
Rashtah grunts. The comm doesn’t translate, and I hope it was merely a grunt- the translator function doesn’t always pick up nonstandard words such as insults and swears.
“So is there a reason you’ve all but ambushed me?” I ask.
Like I said, Krayn told me to keep an eye on things, he says.
“That doesn’t mean me,” I protest, hoping I’m right.
Doesn’t it?
I roll my eyes. “Fine, spy if you want to. I’m going to bed.”
-
Review? Pretty please?