blog: i'm alone and life's making me lonely
I loved her.
This is going to be rather stream-of-consciousness, sorry.
But I did. I did love her. I loved her like I've never loved anyone else.
I've loved plenty of people. But I've only been really, truly, IN LOVE WITH two people.
And, God, I'm sorry, but Isaac was not one of them. I loved him, I did. We were even kind of engaged. I figured that he loved me like crazy and I wasn't like to get a better offer. I STILL think I'll be crazy lucky if I ever get a better offer. But I wasn't IN LOVE WITH Isaac. Not truly.
If you're reading, Isaac, I give you full permission to hate me now. I know how you feel, though. Stevie did the same thing to me. She said, "I don't think it was ever anything more than a crush."
I can't believe that. I can't bear to think that I loved her with my entire heart and soul and that all she ever had was a crush on one of her best friends (was I even THE best? There were plenty of times when she'd rather it was someone else who comforted her, and I was jealous).
The way she ACTED. I took this one girl out one time and she was really really jealous. She kissed me one time, months before we started going out.
She spontaneously kissed me. MONTHS LATER, she still had feelings. That's not just a crush. It's NOT.
She also said that she was never sexually attracted to me. That she just liked it when I fucked her. (Yeah, I went there.) THAT I believe.
But I can't believe that she didn't love me. I can't. Can't accept it.
I loved her and I needed her and I was always there for her and she would have opened up to me one day she would have trusted me with everything and even though she didn't even though she never did I know why that was it was my fault.
I wasn't good enough.
And I know, I know everyone will tell me that that's wrong. But it's what I feel. It's a belief that I have- maybe an irrational one, but still a belief.
The other person I loved was David. On and off since age fifteen. The last recorded instance of those feelings reoccurring was around the end of last school year.
I've always been fond of David. I'm taking his girlfriend to the Prom this year, as a matter of fact (yes, I know how fucked up that is). And although we were fuck-buddies (without the, uh, fucking), I could manage the love I felt.
I repeated to myself, over and over: David will never love me. And I knew that that was a truth. Whenever I thought to myself, What does she have that I don't? I repeated: David K will never love me.
Yeah, another thing. There was this David (who I so wanted to think of as MY David, but couldn't), and David M. I was the one who started people calling this David One-eye. One-eye, David K, we had a couple ways to indicate him.
But not me. David M was always David M in my mind. One-eye was always just David.
So I loved David. And I loved Stevie.
David will never love me. I can't bring myself to believe that Stevie never did.
I can't accept the fact that all of that love was for nothing, that it all went unappreciated by its recipients. That would mean...
I don't know.
I've never loved someone like I loved Stevie. Who've I loved since? There was Isaac, but I didn't truly-madly-deeply love him. David? I didn't LOVE him last year around this time, though. It was like a crush.
Can I never really love again? Isaac loved me like crazy, why the hell could I not love him back? If Stevie broke me, then I'm not just a horrible person who couldn't appreciate the guy.
I'm fairly sure I'm repeating myself from previous blogs. Sorry. I'm just typing what I'm thinking now.
She- just- God, there were so many good times. So many things that I now turn away from because they remind me of her. I wish they'd just take gray Toyota Matrix's off the road, then I wouldn't get that spike of emotion and immediately have to check the license plate to see if it was her.
I try not to ask Ricky (her brother; my friend) about her too much, but sometimes I can't help it. I laugh at her then.
I talked to her a couple months ago. She said she didn't expect me to ever forgive her. I said that if I ever did, I'd let her know.
I dunno if I ever will. It shouldn't still hurt this much, but GOD it hurts. Still.
With David my mantra was "I regret nothing." Yes, I fooled around with the guy I was in love with because it was all he would ever give me, but I regret nothing. A good time was had by all. :)
With Stevie... God, I don't know that I wouldn't just erase the whole thing if I could.
This summer it will be two years since we broke up. I shouldn't still be feeling like this.
I'm beginning to wonder if it was abuse. If what she did to me when she fucked with my feelings to push me away qualifies as emotional abuse.
That would make sense, would rationalize it. Would let me off the hook and mean I'm not a looser for still having these feelings.
Let's check the Wikipedia.
'Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behaviour that is psychologically harmful.'
Has she harmed my psyche? I'm gonna hazard a guess and say yes...
Oh, here. Here, oh God-
'In negative reinforcement, also called aversive conditioning, unpleasant behaviour by the manipulator ceases when the victim complies. Such behaviours include nagging, whining, crying, playing the victim and blaming others. This tends to cause anger, resentment, and frustration in the victim and can lead to a downward spiral of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.'
'This tends to cause anger, resentment, and frustration in the victim and can lead to a downward spiral of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.'
Oh, God. '[U]npleasant behavior'? That was me, trying to keep our relationship together. '[B]laming others'? It was me that she blamed.
'This tends to cause anger, resentment, and frustration in the victim and can lead to a downward spiral of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.'
Yeah, that. That... happened. Is happening. Right now. Am I right?
Let's see what else...
Well, it's all about the abuser wanting power over the person being abused. Did she want power? She thought she was doing it for me, that she was doing what was best for me by pushing me away. Maybe she SUBCONSCIOUSLY wanted power.
This is getting me nowhere. I have to study for my AP test right now.
This is going to be rather stream-of-consciousness, sorry.
But I did. I did love her. I loved her like I've never loved anyone else.
I've loved plenty of people. But I've only been really, truly, IN LOVE WITH two people.
And, God, I'm sorry, but Isaac was not one of them. I loved him, I did. We were even kind of engaged. I figured that he loved me like crazy and I wasn't like to get a better offer. I STILL think I'll be crazy lucky if I ever get a better offer. But I wasn't IN LOVE WITH Isaac. Not truly.
If you're reading, Isaac, I give you full permission to hate me now. I know how you feel, though. Stevie did the same thing to me. She said, "I don't think it was ever anything more than a crush."
I can't believe that. I can't bear to think that I loved her with my entire heart and soul and that all she ever had was a crush on one of her best friends (was I even THE best? There were plenty of times when she'd rather it was someone else who comforted her, and I was jealous).
The way she ACTED. I took this one girl out one time and she was really really jealous. She kissed me one time, months before we started going out.
She spontaneously kissed me. MONTHS LATER, she still had feelings. That's not just a crush. It's NOT.
She also said that she was never sexually attracted to me. That she just liked it when I fucked her. (Yeah, I went there.) THAT I believe.
But I can't believe that she didn't love me. I can't. Can't accept it.
I loved her and I needed her and I was always there for her and she would have opened up to me one day she would have trusted me with everything and even though she didn't even though she never did I know why that was it was my fault.
I wasn't good enough.
And I know, I know everyone will tell me that that's wrong. But it's what I feel. It's a belief that I have- maybe an irrational one, but still a belief.
The other person I loved was David. On and off since age fifteen. The last recorded instance of those feelings reoccurring was around the end of last school year.
I've always been fond of David. I'm taking his girlfriend to the Prom this year, as a matter of fact (yes, I know how fucked up that is). And although we were fuck-buddies (without the, uh, fucking), I could manage the love I felt.
I repeated to myself, over and over: David will never love me. And I knew that that was a truth. Whenever I thought to myself, What does she have that I don't? I repeated: David K will never love me.
Yeah, another thing. There was this David (who I so wanted to think of as MY David, but couldn't), and David M. I was the one who started people calling this David One-eye. One-eye, David K, we had a couple ways to indicate him.
But not me. David M was always David M in my mind. One-eye was always just David.
So I loved David. And I loved Stevie.
David will never love me. I can't bring myself to believe that Stevie never did.
I can't accept the fact that all of that love was for nothing, that it all went unappreciated by its recipients. That would mean...
I don't know.
I've never loved someone like I loved Stevie. Who've I loved since? There was Isaac, but I didn't truly-madly-deeply love him. David? I didn't LOVE him last year around this time, though. It was like a crush.
Can I never really love again? Isaac loved me like crazy, why the hell could I not love him back? If Stevie broke me, then I'm not just a horrible person who couldn't appreciate the guy.
I'm fairly sure I'm repeating myself from previous blogs. Sorry. I'm just typing what I'm thinking now.
She- just- God, there were so many good times. So many things that I now turn away from because they remind me of her. I wish they'd just take gray Toyota Matrix's off the road, then I wouldn't get that spike of emotion and immediately have to check the license plate to see if it was her.
I try not to ask Ricky (her brother; my friend) about her too much, but sometimes I can't help it. I laugh at her then.
I talked to her a couple months ago. She said she didn't expect me to ever forgive her. I said that if I ever did, I'd let her know.
I dunno if I ever will. It shouldn't still hurt this much, but GOD it hurts. Still.
With David my mantra was "I regret nothing." Yes, I fooled around with the guy I was in love with because it was all he would ever give me, but I regret nothing. A good time was had by all. :)
With Stevie... God, I don't know that I wouldn't just erase the whole thing if I could.
This summer it will be two years since we broke up. I shouldn't still be feeling like this.
I'm beginning to wonder if it was abuse. If what she did to me when she fucked with my feelings to push me away qualifies as emotional abuse.
That would make sense, would rationalize it. Would let me off the hook and mean I'm not a looser for still having these feelings.
Let's check the Wikipedia.
'Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behaviour that is psychologically harmful.'
Has she harmed my psyche? I'm gonna hazard a guess and say yes...
Oh, here. Here, oh God-
'In negative reinforcement, also called aversive conditioning, unpleasant behaviour by the manipulator ceases when the victim complies. Such behaviours include nagging, whining, crying, playing the victim and blaming others. This tends to cause anger, resentment, and frustration in the victim and can lead to a downward spiral of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.'
'This tends to cause anger, resentment, and frustration in the victim and can lead to a downward spiral of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.'
Oh, God. '[U]npleasant behavior'? That was me, trying to keep our relationship together. '[B]laming others'? It was me that she blamed.
'This tends to cause anger, resentment, and frustration in the victim and can lead to a downward spiral of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.'
Yeah, that. That... happened. Is happening. Right now. Am I right?
Let's see what else...
Well, it's all about the abuser wanting power over the person being abused. Did she want power? She thought she was doing it for me, that she was doing what was best for me by pushing me away. Maybe she SUBCONSCIOUSLY wanted power.
This is getting me nowhere. I have to study for my AP test right now.