Ugliness of body and soul
IMPORTANT NOTICE FOR THIS ENTRY:
I don't want pity. Keep your placation to yourself, please; I don't need it and it will just make me feel worse. I just need to rant and vent a bit. If you feel you cannot abide by this, please don't read. This will be self-depreciating, pessimistic, and wallowing. However, I don't want you to jump in and tell me how wrong I am, nor do I need to be made to feel like a child. The only person who could probably dissuade me from feeling this way at this moment wouldn't be keen on my uncommon (or common if you know me well enough) weakness and certainly wouldn't feed me candy-coated lies. So... no chance.
Just... let me rant. Read or don't read, but just let me spill my guts without judgment or platitudes. Please.
Ever have one of those days where you feel like the ugliest person alive?
With certain people, I often feel like everything I feel and think is one-sided, and it is never more pronounced than when I realize exactly how disgusting I look. I ruminate on the physical side to my attraction. And I remember how that thought is not reciprocated.
Looks are subjective. I know. And true beauty comes in fiery wit and a keenness of intellect, not from the curve of a frame or the lay of one's bones. I know, alright? I fucking know. But when, even if I was a twig I couldn't pull off a certain shirt because of my stretch marks or when I find myself incessently complimenting someone and realizing, hey, that's never been reciprocated... well. Too much angst at once.
I remember being wanted. In high school, Job Corps... I remember. I lost myself in it. But I remember how.. amazing it felt to be considered beautiful. I was a cute kid, but I hit my awkward stage at 7 and didn't get out of it until I was 14 at the earliest. 16 more likely. It was such a novel feeling to have people attracted to me. Of course I would much rather have someone attracted for my mind and personality... but fuck, is it too much to ask to be something worth being attracted to physically as well?
I know I'm fat. I'm not a fucking idiot. But I see girls so much bigger than I am, so selfish and conniving and bitter... but they have people who want them. And I stare at these amazing clothes that I would kill to look good in, knowing it is next to impossible that I ever will. I just... is it too much to want to be attractive? For someone to tell me I'm beautiful without being Sher? I love you Sher, you know I do, but it just isn't the same.
It hurts. Because some days I just hate myself. I'm not vain by any means; I rarely wear makeup or fix my hair, because hell if I care what most people think of me. But I just..,
I can't stand this feeling. It is like something is sitting on my chest, suffocating me. I feel so miserable all of a sudden that I can't breath.
Where in the hell did this even come from? Yeah, so what? I will never be able to pull a "wow, you look hot" from the average person. So what? Why in the fuck do I even fucking care? I've never cared before, so why am I suddenly so pitifully heartbroken?
I hate crying.
I hate feeling emotionally off-kilter like this. I feel like a bloody girl. Yes, yes, I'm female. I know. But I really like having a better handle on my emotions than this, and I generally have a much better grip than this. I see girls with their whiny emotional ejaculations flinging all over everyone around them and it makes me want to gag. I'm not some whining pre-pubescent, damnit. I am stronger than this, I am more stable than this, and I am more competent than this.
I hate human weakness.
And times like this, I wonder why I even bother trying. When nothing will look good, when I never will again... why do I try? I'm damaged goods. My weight is a miniscue factor in this, because that is something under my control. No, this is about my face, my nose, my eyes, my broad shoulders, my scars, my skin, the shape of my torso, my too-big feet, my ugly knees. This is everything I could overlook when, damnit, people wanted me. I had guys all over me as a teen, even if it probably was only because I came off as an easy lay. But fuck... I've nearly forgotten the feeling by now.
What is it like to be wanted?
And if I can't even stand myself, who says I deserve it?