At least out loud... I won't say I'm in-- denial? ;)
“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.” - Richard Bach
This quote is so amazingly, scarily spot-on that it forced me to post it.
Anyway, school is eating my brain. I'm just barely hanging onto my A in English, I nearly failed my math final (actually did due to a calc mishap, but was given a chance to retake it and slid by on the skin of my teeth), and nearly every waking moment is spent railing against how utterly stressful online classes are.
But hey, I finished and posted the last chapter (not counting epilogue) to Paraselenic. That is one hell of an accomplishment to me.
But that isn't why I'm posting today. Even the denial which I do not deny I am heavily drowning in (shut up, it can so be denial even when I know it is denial!) is not the point of this post. The point of this post is a very random, short blurb on the types of romantic and which I have decided I am.
Very skippable. Mostly rambling. LOL.
"Most cynics are really crushed romantics: they've been hurt, they're sensitive, and their cynicism is a shell that's protecting this tiny, dear part in them that's still alive." -- Jeff Bridges
And here I go again into a whirlwind of pointless rambling. For joy! The cut-link quote is actually quite accurate to what I'm going to ramble about today.
With my rather... erm... tumultuous history (if you don't know, I doubt you'd want to hear it. LOL), romance is something that has played a very key role. Whether it was my selfish need to jump into relationships just to feel something, my eventual promise to myself that I would stop following romantic fancy (to avoid ever being like my mother), to the way I've been known to fall hard, fall fast, and never fall out... well, you get my drift.
In any case, a friend called me a hopeless romantic the other day. I was flabbergasted. Me? I pride myself on logic and realism (see: pessimism) and long ago was jaded to the realities of love. I have been abused, abandoned, and betrayed, and i have sabotaged relationships just because I feared they might -- just might -- have had a chance to work. Hence my five year hiatus from the dating world, and my rather lackluster approach to all things romantic... barring, of course, my very passionate impossible loves.
But a hopeless romantic? No. I don't think I could ever be one. A hopeless romantic puts love before reason, thrives on nothing but that butterfly-ish feeling that never lasts past a relationship's onset. A hopeless romantic will throw themselves into relationship after relationship, wanting nothing more than to be validated by someone wanting them; it is all roses and sparkles and declarations of undying love... until the butterflies fade.
Perhaps I was once on the road to being a hopeless romantic. I certainly had the relationship jumping down. But there mere idea that I could be classified, with all my pessimism, as a romantic? My gods. I can't fathom it.
What I have decided I am, folks, is a cynical romantic. I love love. Honestly. No matter how jaded I become, I can fondly remember such dreams of finding someone who would cherish me for who I am, not get bored after a few months together... someone to build a life with. But I think that Louis (in shattering my ideal of marriage and all it was supposed to encompass) really ruined that for me.
So it all comes down to me loving love... but not truly believing that something so beautiful can really happen to me. I believe it exists, and I can fall in love just as fast and hard and deep as I ever did... but my learned cynicism is not going to leave it alone.
So what does that say about me that I can love someone and yet still believe every other moment that they will turn away?
*snort*
Not that I'm in love or anything. Denialdenialdenialdenialdenialdenial... you can't make me think otherwise! Nada! None of you! Not even you, Sher!!!
...a certain song from Hercules comes to mind, blaringly. Grah!
"I thought my heart had learned its lesson,
It feels so good when you start out.
My head is screaming get a grip, girl;
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out..."
Love, your favorite cynical romantic
Oh, but guess what? I started the Atkins diet in a fit of desperation a week ago... and have since lost 9 pounds. Hoorah! Cheer me on, because I'm miserable and miss my snacks. :(
This quote is so amazingly, scarily spot-on that it forced me to post it.
Anyway, school is eating my brain. I'm just barely hanging onto my A in English, I nearly failed my math final (actually did due to a calc mishap, but was given a chance to retake it and slid by on the skin of my teeth), and nearly every waking moment is spent railing against how utterly stressful online classes are.
But hey, I finished and posted the last chapter (not counting epilogue) to Paraselenic. That is one hell of an accomplishment to me.
But that isn't why I'm posting today. Even the denial which I do not deny I am heavily drowning in (shut up, it can so be denial even when I know it is denial!) is not the point of this post. The point of this post is a very random, short blurb on the types of romantic and which I have decided I am.
Very skippable. Mostly rambling. LOL.
"Most cynics are really crushed romantics: they've been hurt, they're sensitive, and their cynicism is a shell that's protecting this tiny, dear part in them that's still alive." -- Jeff Bridges
And here I go again into a whirlwind of pointless rambling. For joy! The cut-link quote is actually quite accurate to what I'm going to ramble about today.
With my rather... erm... tumultuous history (if you don't know, I doubt you'd want to hear it. LOL), romance is something that has played a very key role. Whether it was my selfish need to jump into relationships just to feel something, my eventual promise to myself that I would stop following romantic fancy (to avoid ever being like my mother), to the way I've been known to fall hard, fall fast, and never fall out... well, you get my drift.
In any case, a friend called me a hopeless romantic the other day. I was flabbergasted. Me? I pride myself on logic and realism (see: pessimism) and long ago was jaded to the realities of love. I have been abused, abandoned, and betrayed, and i have sabotaged relationships just because I feared they might -- just might -- have had a chance to work. Hence my five year hiatus from the dating world, and my rather lackluster approach to all things romantic... barring, of course, my very passionate impossible loves.
But a hopeless romantic? No. I don't think I could ever be one. A hopeless romantic puts love before reason, thrives on nothing but that butterfly-ish feeling that never lasts past a relationship's onset. A hopeless romantic will throw themselves into relationship after relationship, wanting nothing more than to be validated by someone wanting them; it is all roses and sparkles and declarations of undying love... until the butterflies fade.
Perhaps I was once on the road to being a hopeless romantic. I certainly had the relationship jumping down. But there mere idea that I could be classified, with all my pessimism, as a romantic? My gods. I can't fathom it.
What I have decided I am, folks, is a cynical romantic. I love love. Honestly. No matter how jaded I become, I can fondly remember such dreams of finding someone who would cherish me for who I am, not get bored after a few months together... someone to build a life with. But I think that Louis (in shattering my ideal of marriage and all it was supposed to encompass) really ruined that for me.
So it all comes down to me loving love... but not truly believing that something so beautiful can really happen to me. I believe it exists, and I can fall in love just as fast and hard and deep as I ever did... but my learned cynicism is not going to leave it alone.
So what does that say about me that I can love someone and yet still believe every other moment that they will turn away?
*snort*
Not that I'm in love or anything. Denialdenialdenialdenialdenialdenial... you can't make me think otherwise! Nada! None of you! Not even you, Sher!!!
...a certain song from Hercules comes to mind, blaringly. Grah!
"I thought my heart had learned its lesson,
It feels so good when you start out.
My head is screaming get a grip, girl;
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out..."
Love, your favorite cynical romantic
Oh, but guess what? I started the Atkins diet in a fit of desperation a week ago... and have since lost 9 pounds. Hoorah! Cheer me on, because I'm miserable and miss my snacks. :(