Born anew...
Life is difficult. I am sorry that I pointed fingers. I shouldn't have done that. But what you see in the last post is the pain and hurt I have felt for a long time. But what does not kill me will only make me stronger. Long have I known this, only now do I believe it.
When I first met the Nerds, I was Erica. A kind, compassionate, innocent girl who was terribly naive. By the end of 9th grade, I was Ricca. A full by-product of the "Nerd" group. She was created by Megan, then nutured by the rest of the group. I became Ricca, so that Erica would not hurt as much anymore.
10th grade. Then I knew that the "nerds" were drifting apart. I knew I needed to find someone to be my escape, someone else who I could relate to. Being with the "Nerds" all the time began to hurt- no seat at lunch, left off invites, given little notice. I found someone who needed me just as much as I needed her: Casey. And so after a trial, in which I had to prove myself as true friend, Casey accepted me as a friend. I couldn't have been more thrilled. I had someone who cared as much as I did.
And now we come to present. I decided over the summer that I would retreat farther into myself, to nurish Erica who Casey had reawoken from her slumber. I did not sit with the "nerds" at lunch. I declined invitations when I was in an anti-social mood. I was happy. I had many friends- i did not know that there was distain at my leaving. I thought the "nerds" hadn't noticed my passing at all...
And now I know better. Someone did notice. Unfortunately, like we all do, she spoke (and admits this) without thinking. She said that I wasn't a "Nerd"- who Ricca fully was. Ricca was a "Nerd" and only a "Nerd" She wasn't anything else. What she meant was that I had removed myself...
Ricca was killed in one fell swoop. Erica died slowly after that- talking with Casey; trying to sort the pain that gripped her. Ricca could not function without her soul, and her soul was Erica. Erica could not function without her body, and that was Ricca. With Ricca dead, Erica had nothing. She was nothing. Dying slowly and painfully, she passed, finally forgiving herself for being who she was.
And as a pheonix rises from its ashes, I was born anew. I am not Ricca. I am not Erica. I am Hope.
And a after thought: I did not over react. I reacted with the intesity that I felt, as Casey so kindly put it. I care a lot more that others- I am as Dave would say "spoony". I am an intense person, I react so. I did not over react.
When I first met the Nerds, I was Erica. A kind, compassionate, innocent girl who was terribly naive. By the end of 9th grade, I was Ricca. A full by-product of the "Nerd" group. She was created by Megan, then nutured by the rest of the group. I became Ricca, so that Erica would not hurt as much anymore.
10th grade. Then I knew that the "nerds" were drifting apart. I knew I needed to find someone to be my escape, someone else who I could relate to. Being with the "Nerds" all the time began to hurt- no seat at lunch, left off invites, given little notice. I found someone who needed me just as much as I needed her: Casey. And so after a trial, in which I had to prove myself as true friend, Casey accepted me as a friend. I couldn't have been more thrilled. I had someone who cared as much as I did.
And now we come to present. I decided over the summer that I would retreat farther into myself, to nurish Erica who Casey had reawoken from her slumber. I did not sit with the "nerds" at lunch. I declined invitations when I was in an anti-social mood. I was happy. I had many friends- i did not know that there was distain at my leaving. I thought the "nerds" hadn't noticed my passing at all...
And now I know better. Someone did notice. Unfortunately, like we all do, she spoke (and admits this) without thinking. She said that I wasn't a "Nerd"- who Ricca fully was. Ricca was a "Nerd" and only a "Nerd" She wasn't anything else. What she meant was that I had removed myself...
Ricca was killed in one fell swoop. Erica died slowly after that- talking with Casey; trying to sort the pain that gripped her. Ricca could not function without her soul, and her soul was Erica. Erica could not function without her body, and that was Ricca. With Ricca dead, Erica had nothing. She was nothing. Dying slowly and painfully, she passed, finally forgiving herself for being who she was.
And as a pheonix rises from its ashes, I was born anew. I am not Ricca. I am not Erica. I am Hope.
And a after thought: I did not over react. I reacted with the intesity that I felt, as Casey so kindly put it. I care a lot more that others- I am as Dave would say "spoony". I am an intense person, I react so. I did not over react.