Losing Identity
.... how did this happen?
My identity taken from me. Why didn't you just rip my heart out with your bare hands; it would have hurt a lot less.
I am not a nerd... How can this be? I've always been a nerd... If I'm not, then who am I?
"considering she's not REALLY still a NERD, per se..." Posted by a friend, another nerd. How can this be?
And most of all, why does this hurt so much? I've been preparing myself for so long for this. I knew I was growing away from them, and they were growing away from me, as much as I wanted to hold on, to keep it in my grasp. I didn't lose it, it was wrentched from me.
What was I to do? Continue sitting at lunch tables where I didn't feel welcome? I never had a seat; It was always "you can't sit there, so-and-so is sitting is sitting there. And so I moved to a table where I was welcome. And anyone else who wants a seat is welcome. There's always room for one more, we'll double up if we have to. But to not have a seat, is to be unwanted. Was I supposed to swallow that? Was I supposed to be happy with not being wanted? I did what I thought was best, I removed myself. Lunch after lunch I sat, where ever I could find a seat, feeling left out.
I'm not a nerd, I guess. Maybe I never was. I never had a seat. I was forgotten. I was given left over parts in parodies. And now, the title of "Nerd", one that I was so proud of, has been revoked. I've given myself to my friends, the nerds, and recieved very little.
Its all clear now. I'm not a nerd. Perhaps I never was. I feel too much to be a nerd. I'm not political enough to be a nerd. And I don't have a boyfriend. So I guess, since I've failed those things, I'm just not good enough to be a nerd.
Even, as much as I'd like to be strong, to say "If you don't want me than I don't want nor need you", I cannot be strong. The nerds were a part of me, a very large part: they are imbedded into my soul- they have formed who I am today. It hurts, my heart is breaking. I'm not sure if I can take this much anymore.
All of my worst hearaches come from the nerds. How can friends be so cruel? First Joanna simply dumping me as a friend in 9th... at Christmas no less. As many times as I said I didn't remember Jo, I do. You didn't want to be my friend anymore, giving me no reason. My best friend, suddenly gone...
Molly. You knew I liked him. You even encouraged me to ask him out. You knew how for how long as well. Nothing like just going and asking him out. You didn't even care what you did to me. I can't tell you how long it took me to get over it, to forgive you.
And Emma. Another person I let in close to my heart. And, without thinking, she smashes it, obliterating it into thousands of pieces. A simply note, became a lie... and I found it. Had you told me, things would be different. But you didn't....
Jo again. I'm not a nerd, eh? Maybe I'm too NICE to be a nerd...
Sometimes "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. Nothing is going to heal this hurt but time. And, I hope, for what its worth, that somehow, all of this was worth what you all have put me through. "I'm sorry" isn't enough this time. You need to prove to me that I should even look at any of you anymore. From name calling to petty insults to simply being left out (and don't say that I wasn't because I was, for a long time. For a long time until I decided to ease the hurt and remove myself).
I thought I had removed myself from the tears that had haunted me from my earlier years, when I spent my time solely with the Nerds. I guess I wasn't far enough removed.
My identity taken from me. Why didn't you just rip my heart out with your bare hands; it would have hurt a lot less.
I am not a nerd... How can this be? I've always been a nerd... If I'm not, then who am I?
"considering she's not REALLY still a NERD, per se..." Posted by a friend, another nerd. How can this be?
And most of all, why does this hurt so much? I've been preparing myself for so long for this. I knew I was growing away from them, and they were growing away from me, as much as I wanted to hold on, to keep it in my grasp. I didn't lose it, it was wrentched from me.
What was I to do? Continue sitting at lunch tables where I didn't feel welcome? I never had a seat; It was always "you can't sit there, so-and-so is sitting is sitting there. And so I moved to a table where I was welcome. And anyone else who wants a seat is welcome. There's always room for one more, we'll double up if we have to. But to not have a seat, is to be unwanted. Was I supposed to swallow that? Was I supposed to be happy with not being wanted? I did what I thought was best, I removed myself. Lunch after lunch I sat, where ever I could find a seat, feeling left out.
I'm not a nerd, I guess. Maybe I never was. I never had a seat. I was forgotten. I was given left over parts in parodies. And now, the title of "Nerd", one that I was so proud of, has been revoked. I've given myself to my friends, the nerds, and recieved very little.
Its all clear now. I'm not a nerd. Perhaps I never was. I feel too much to be a nerd. I'm not political enough to be a nerd. And I don't have a boyfriend. So I guess, since I've failed those things, I'm just not good enough to be a nerd.
Even, as much as I'd like to be strong, to say "If you don't want me than I don't want nor need you", I cannot be strong. The nerds were a part of me, a very large part: they are imbedded into my soul- they have formed who I am today. It hurts, my heart is breaking. I'm not sure if I can take this much anymore.
All of my worst hearaches come from the nerds. How can friends be so cruel? First Joanna simply dumping me as a friend in 9th... at Christmas no less. As many times as I said I didn't remember Jo, I do. You didn't want to be my friend anymore, giving me no reason. My best friend, suddenly gone...
Molly. You knew I liked him. You even encouraged me to ask him out. You knew how for how long as well. Nothing like just going and asking him out. You didn't even care what you did to me. I can't tell you how long it took me to get over it, to forgive you.
And Emma. Another person I let in close to my heart. And, without thinking, she smashes it, obliterating it into thousands of pieces. A simply note, became a lie... and I found it. Had you told me, things would be different. But you didn't....
Jo again. I'm not a nerd, eh? Maybe I'm too NICE to be a nerd...
Sometimes "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. Nothing is going to heal this hurt but time. And, I hope, for what its worth, that somehow, all of this was worth what you all have put me through. "I'm sorry" isn't enough this time. You need to prove to me that I should even look at any of you anymore. From name calling to petty insults to simply being left out (and don't say that I wasn't because I was, for a long time. For a long time until I decided to ease the hurt and remove myself).
I thought I had removed myself from the tears that had haunted me from my earlier years, when I spent my time solely with the Nerds. I guess I wasn't far enough removed.