So maybe there is soemthing wrong with me.

Jul 08, 2010 19:16

There must be, since I have found out that no fewer than two people who were supposed to be my friends actually aren't at all, and call me lovely things like backstabbing and a bitch and emo and someone who talks too much nad bullshits too much. I can be a bitch when it suits me, or when I get really, really angry, but I am a person with integrity and I would like to think that I'm a good friend to the people that ARE my friends, which include both BB and the Other Woman. I seem to like using nicknames. Anyway I got along with OW for awhile but she seriously screwed one of my better friends over and there really is no point in talking to her. what she and that little ass-goblin she is with did was wrong on every moral and religious level I can think of. Even if you aren't religious, morality should seriously matter. And now my friend is hurt because of it.

As for BB, HA, well, I guess we go back and forth. She was probably mad at me when she shot off her mouth to her husband who shot off his mouth to someone else who shot off their mouth to someone else that inevitably came back to me. She thinks that because she is married and has kids that she is a cut above the rest of us. I could have told people about their personal lives, their problems, their living conditions, how they raise their children and nitpick all of those things, but I DIDN'T. Because I am a better person than that and it isn't really important.

I can't recall going out of my way to fuck her over, though. I have probably pissed her off because that happens when you have drastically different views from someone about goddamn near everything, but I never went out of my way to fuck her over, or said "Hey, I should do this because it's going to hurt That Person's feelings." I try not to be spiteful and vindictive. Sometimes I fail, but usually I have enough self-control to succeed. Usually. She could always read this, and I don't really give a fuck if she does. It is there for public viewing and is just as accessible to her as the rest of the world. Should she bring it up to me, I can always confront her on her actions and then we may just find out who the biggest bitch is, not that being one is anything to be proud of, it isn't.

What gets me is that I still considered her my friend. Everyone has differences. Everyone disagrees on something, but I didn't flat out dislike her or I wouldn't talk to her. I don't dislike her now, even though she has managed to be another of the long line of people who have hurt my feelings, which is actually pretty hard to do. I have developed, over the course of my short and often difficult life, an emotional wall against those who would tease and talk shit about and make fun of me. It was common practice when I was in high school. And even though I can outwardly shrug off these feelings and ideas it still makes me feel like a loser inside. Maybe I am. Do high school's losers ever really STOP being losers? I've been out for four years and people still manage to somehow make me feel like I deserve only the worst treatment imaginable for no real reason. Did I commit some crime against God just by being born? Sometimes I feel like I did. I know that God is up there somewhere and sometimes He must listen, after all, he did send Fanny's cat back. I have never been deeply religious but the belief in higher power has always been there.

My life is hard. I have problems that I don't really talk about because I can't trust people enough to talk about them (And BB is a prime example of WHY.) I have discussed some of these things with Tommy, but he is a man and my mom's boyfriend and there are just things you can't tell people who are male and your mother's boyfriend, no matter how much you might want to. There are just some things you can't tell ANYone, because they might ruin your life if you did. And man this is fucking emo but I don't care, it's my lifejournal and I can be as emo as I goddamn well please. Suck it up or don't read it. But I digress. I have problems. I know I have problems. Crowds make me nervous. I can't drive and yet I know that people cannot be relied upon. I have trouble making friends. I have trouble getting anywhere because I have trouble making friends. All these stressful situations, work and school and roommates, they circle around in my head until I can't get anything done and all I want to do is curl up and cry somewhere and wish I had never been born at all.
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