Haunting -- Part Three -- Ugh!
The last dream I had involved my interaction with OwlSamantha in the wee hours of the morning. Interestingly, I don't recall what we were talking about only that the clock was running down and when it did we would never see each other again.
Endings.
I had to work the next day, but still I stayed out because it was important. I didn't know if it was right to say goodbye, but still I frlt the need to linger for idle meaningless conversation.
In typing this now I realize how little of this dream I actually recall... but the passions were so strong it was like they were part of the blood moving through my body. Strange. I suppose it was a Pathos dream -- splashes of emotion rather than events, overlaying a dream landscape.
I recall there were early morning streets. The sky was dark. For whatever reason I was supposed to fufill some sort of obligation to my parrents but ignored it in favor of staying out all night to see Sam. I was also for some reason supposed to sleep at their house that night and not my own.
Waking up I felt foolish. I had said to Sam last night that I wouldn't be saying goodbye that evening because we interact more online than we to IRL, so there really wouldn't be any difference. I think i was telling a lie without knowing it at that point. A defense mechanism. Putting up a wall for the world to say that nothing is wrong, and if I say it enough times perhaps I will believe it and it will be true.
One unique quality that I identified in Sam is that she is quite literally the ONLY real life person that actively (and seemingly effortlessly) regards me as the apporopiate gender on an ongoing basis. When people ask me what I prefer I give a neutral answer -- I won't be the source of other people's discomfort if I can at all help it. If they are ready to speak to me as I am then they will, but I will not make them. I don't feel as if I have the right.
It's a sad loss, but such is life. There are endings everywhere. Death is a necessary part of life. And death can be anything -- not necessarily the end of a physical life. Death is the end of an idea, the end of a relationship, the end of feelings, the end of story, the end of an experience, or any number of things. Death exists everywhere, and I realize that ultimately when it all comes down to it death IS greater than life because all things that live must die. All things that begin must end. It is the way things are. There is no changing it, and the greatest way to make peace is to accept it rather than turn away from it.
What am I babbling about? Forget it. Emotions are bull crap. I wasn't cut out for this shit.
Endings.
I had to work the next day, but still I stayed out because it was important. I didn't know if it was right to say goodbye, but still I frlt the need to linger for idle meaningless conversation.
In typing this now I realize how little of this dream I actually recall... but the passions were so strong it was like they were part of the blood moving through my body. Strange. I suppose it was a Pathos dream -- splashes of emotion rather than events, overlaying a dream landscape.
I recall there were early morning streets. The sky was dark. For whatever reason I was supposed to fufill some sort of obligation to my parrents but ignored it in favor of staying out all night to see Sam. I was also for some reason supposed to sleep at their house that night and not my own.
Waking up I felt foolish. I had said to Sam last night that I wouldn't be saying goodbye that evening because we interact more online than we to IRL, so there really wouldn't be any difference. I think i was telling a lie without knowing it at that point. A defense mechanism. Putting up a wall for the world to say that nothing is wrong, and if I say it enough times perhaps I will believe it and it will be true.
One unique quality that I identified in Sam is that she is quite literally the ONLY real life person that actively (and seemingly effortlessly) regards me as the apporopiate gender on an ongoing basis. When people ask me what I prefer I give a neutral answer -- I won't be the source of other people's discomfort if I can at all help it. If they are ready to speak to me as I am then they will, but I will not make them. I don't feel as if I have the right.
It's a sad loss, but such is life. There are endings everywhere. Death is a necessary part of life. And death can be anything -- not necessarily the end of a physical life. Death is the end of an idea, the end of a relationship, the end of feelings, the end of story, the end of an experience, or any number of things. Death exists everywhere, and I realize that ultimately when it all comes down to it death IS greater than life because all things that live must die. All things that begin must end. It is the way things are. There is no changing it, and the greatest way to make peace is to accept it rather than turn away from it.
What am I babbling about? Forget it. Emotions are bull crap. I wasn't cut out for this shit.