It's just one of those days
I hate days like today.
when everything just hits you at once. Like an eye opening that you never wanted to happen. I'm happy in my ignorance, to be honest. I'm happy in pretending that everything will be ok in the long run.
but who's to insurance my happiness but myself?
I've given everything I have emotionally and damn near physically to joe. But I cant even bring myself to trust him. I try so hard, and tell myself that I just need to let go. And I have.. but I'm so scared that I'll trust him again.. and he will ruin it.
The fact.. that he really almost left me.. for some..person still hurts me. all the fucking time. I think about it and it just makes me get that pit in my stomach. but damn, no matter how fucking messed up we can be to each other somtimes, or i can be to him, or he can be to me..
I am so effing.. in love with him. attatched to him. in need of him.
he tells me everything will be ok.. and I know it will be, as long as I have him. but what happens if it changes? and I don't have him?
I know this is very typical of a teenager to write how much she needs her boyfriend or whatever.. but damn do i mean it. sometimes i cant stand him, but i need him there. i can't even stand on my own two feet anymore.
since we have gotten back together {one month ago} i have felt like I have been on thin ice. sheet ice. like i cant tell him whats really on my mind. that I cant tell him how badly ive been hurt or how shattered my trust is.. because I want to trust him.. and i dont want to argue.. so I just try and ignore it. but days like today, it all comes out.
The day we got back together.. he couldn't even tell me things I needed to hear.
things like 'I love you and only you. i want to be with you. we will be happy. im happy with you'
simple shit that i used to take for granted when he said it. and when he wouldn't say it..
what the hell am i supposed to think? never have I felt a damn heart break more than the moment he told me he may want to see someone else. i can't think of more descriptive way to put it then my heart being torn to bits. and it sounds so damn lame. but this is my live journal. i guess im allowed to talk about this crap.
basically the worst question in my mind is "is he talking to her?"
eh.
and of course my family situation doesn't help any.
i guess i just don't have a place in the world. but when Im with joe, I feel like I can make one with him. We always used to talk about moving in together when we get older.. but it seems like we don't anymore. it's only a year away. but it seems taboo to talk about it. I just want.. to make my own place. I want to have a family of my own, that i wont fuck up or let get fucked up. i want my kids to be happy all the time, and never have to worry about the stupid shit i do. I want to be happy with joe. i want to be able to end the cycle my family seems to have of crappy people and father figures, deranged mothers, and split apart families. I just want to know that even though i've been depressed my whole life, that I can make some one else happy. and make sure their lives turn out well.
i wish i had help for being so depressed.
i don't say that with ease. I've realized that I have been depressed.. as far as i can remember. and I try so hard to be happy. but it's so hard to be happy. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to kill myself. On a daily basis I wish I had the guts to kill myself.
but for some reaon, a reason i am totally unaware of, i don't just do it.
i wish i knew why.
i wish i knew what held me back.
i wish i could be fucked up right now.
when everything just hits you at once. Like an eye opening that you never wanted to happen. I'm happy in my ignorance, to be honest. I'm happy in pretending that everything will be ok in the long run.
but who's to insurance my happiness but myself?
I've given everything I have emotionally and damn near physically to joe. But I cant even bring myself to trust him. I try so hard, and tell myself that I just need to let go. And I have.. but I'm so scared that I'll trust him again.. and he will ruin it.
The fact.. that he really almost left me.. for some..person still hurts me. all the fucking time. I think about it and it just makes me get that pit in my stomach. but damn, no matter how fucking messed up we can be to each other somtimes, or i can be to him, or he can be to me..
I am so effing.. in love with him. attatched to him. in need of him.
he tells me everything will be ok.. and I know it will be, as long as I have him. but what happens if it changes? and I don't have him?
I know this is very typical of a teenager to write how much she needs her boyfriend or whatever.. but damn do i mean it. sometimes i cant stand him, but i need him there. i can't even stand on my own two feet anymore.
since we have gotten back together {one month ago} i have felt like I have been on thin ice. sheet ice. like i cant tell him whats really on my mind. that I cant tell him how badly ive been hurt or how shattered my trust is.. because I want to trust him.. and i dont want to argue.. so I just try and ignore it. but days like today, it all comes out.
The day we got back together.. he couldn't even tell me things I needed to hear.
things like 'I love you and only you. i want to be with you. we will be happy. im happy with you'
simple shit that i used to take for granted when he said it. and when he wouldn't say it..
what the hell am i supposed to think? never have I felt a damn heart break more than the moment he told me he may want to see someone else. i can't think of more descriptive way to put it then my heart being torn to bits. and it sounds so damn lame. but this is my live journal. i guess im allowed to talk about this crap.
basically the worst question in my mind is "is he talking to her?"
eh.
and of course my family situation doesn't help any.
i guess i just don't have a place in the world. but when Im with joe, I feel like I can make one with him. We always used to talk about moving in together when we get older.. but it seems like we don't anymore. it's only a year away. but it seems taboo to talk about it. I just want.. to make my own place. I want to have a family of my own, that i wont fuck up or let get fucked up. i want my kids to be happy all the time, and never have to worry about the stupid shit i do. I want to be happy with joe. i want to be able to end the cycle my family seems to have of crappy people and father figures, deranged mothers, and split apart families. I just want to know that even though i've been depressed my whole life, that I can make some one else happy. and make sure their lives turn out well.
i wish i had help for being so depressed.
i don't say that with ease. I've realized that I have been depressed.. as far as i can remember. and I try so hard to be happy. but it's so hard to be happy. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to kill myself. On a daily basis I wish I had the guts to kill myself.
but for some reaon, a reason i am totally unaware of, i don't just do it.
i wish i knew why.
i wish i knew what held me back.
i wish i could be fucked up right now.