update.
John has been getting to my head alot lately. I know that i shouldnt let it get to me but its kinda hard with hes yelling *name* out and expecting it to not bother me. He doesnt know how bad it hurts to think about him. I dont have any feelings for him but thinking about him reminds me of that night.
He said he could see the hurt in my eyes when he said his name or just talked about him. i sat down on the kitchen floor. would you be able to tell it hurts if im laughing and cooking and you say one thing about him and i stop and sit on the floor right where i was standing. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. I wanted to be held so i could just cry. Nobody was there to do that right then though. and when i did see joe he was like walking around and wouldnt sit down and was like all blah. I think he was thinking about stuff. Maybe Sam. I dunno.
♥
While Joe and i were broke up i hung out with *name* and his friends alot and cause i was so young compaired to them they called me lil mama. i got real close to one of the guys and started calling him everyday, hanging out with him everyday, flirting like crazy, met my rents, went out to places together, i made the worst mistake and decided to sleep with him. I was sitting there after and was like what the fuck did i just do, he doesnt care about me, he didnt even ask it just happened he took my skirt off and my panties and then it happened, no kissing, no sweetness i dont even know how it happened. i wasnt myself that night. i dont know why i did it. i just thought oh he showed me the least bit of attention so i dont want to fuck that up so i let him do what he wanted. I was a puppet, I wasnt getting the attention from the one person i wanted it from and it hurt so i thought maybe he cares. but no he didnt. i was just a piece of ass. Joes the one that loves me im not a piece of ass to him. im important to him. I was sitting in *names* front seat after thinking what the hell is up with me. i drink by myself and sulk, pop pills, smoke pot, cut my wrists, and cry about how much i miss joe. why doesnt he see it. and then realized that doesnt mean i should have sex with *name*. why dont i think before i act? Do i need phyciatric help?? who can i turn to?
♥
i dont even know who i can go to. Joe doesnt want to talk about it anymore. who can i talk to about it? i dont want to talk to amy about it because all she does it call me hoe. Sam i think is the only on that listens to me. Joe does but doesnt want to talk about it anymore. I understand why though and i respect the fact that it still hurts him and bringing it up makes it worst.
♥
Ive been thinking about how he thought he loved Sam alot lately. I mean he wrote a song about her and the only one he wrote about me was about my cutting myself because i wanted him so bad and he wanted someone else. I was hurt and didnt know who to go to or what to do. I keep thinking all the sudden shes gonna tell joe she wants to be with him and then hes gonna drop me for her. =[. i really hope that doesnt happen. i havent slept at all in like 3 days. he doesnt know that. i just stay up and watch tv. today was the first time ive slept in 3 days and i slept till 3. I wish i could get over this. I think sometimes when hes quite hes thinking about her. He wanted me to call her tonight and see what she was up to and i think it was because he wanted to know and he knows how we talk alot.
♥
Im hurting alot lately. i want to know that he loves me and honestly wants to be with me. i dont want to worry. but thats how its gonna be cause im trying to get over the pain and heartbreak hes put me through. i dont need to think about i need to talk about it. oh well.
♥
He said he could see the hurt in my eyes when he said his name or just talked about him. i sat down on the kitchen floor. would you be able to tell it hurts if im laughing and cooking and you say one thing about him and i stop and sit on the floor right where i was standing. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. I wanted to be held so i could just cry. Nobody was there to do that right then though. and when i did see joe he was like walking around and wouldnt sit down and was like all blah. I think he was thinking about stuff. Maybe Sam. I dunno.
♥
While Joe and i were broke up i hung out with *name* and his friends alot and cause i was so young compaired to them they called me lil mama. i got real close to one of the guys and started calling him everyday, hanging out with him everyday, flirting like crazy, met my rents, went out to places together, i made the worst mistake and decided to sleep with him. I was sitting there after and was like what the fuck did i just do, he doesnt care about me, he didnt even ask it just happened he took my skirt off and my panties and then it happened, no kissing, no sweetness i dont even know how it happened. i wasnt myself that night. i dont know why i did it. i just thought oh he showed me the least bit of attention so i dont want to fuck that up so i let him do what he wanted. I was a puppet, I wasnt getting the attention from the one person i wanted it from and it hurt so i thought maybe he cares. but no he didnt. i was just a piece of ass. Joes the one that loves me im not a piece of ass to him. im important to him. I was sitting in *names* front seat after thinking what the hell is up with me. i drink by myself and sulk, pop pills, smoke pot, cut my wrists, and cry about how much i miss joe. why doesnt he see it. and then realized that doesnt mean i should have sex with *name*. why dont i think before i act? Do i need phyciatric help?? who can i turn to?
♥
i dont even know who i can go to. Joe doesnt want to talk about it anymore. who can i talk to about it? i dont want to talk to amy about it because all she does it call me hoe. Sam i think is the only on that listens to me. Joe does but doesnt want to talk about it anymore. I understand why though and i respect the fact that it still hurts him and bringing it up makes it worst.
♥
Ive been thinking about how he thought he loved Sam alot lately. I mean he wrote a song about her and the only one he wrote about me was about my cutting myself because i wanted him so bad and he wanted someone else. I was hurt and didnt know who to go to or what to do. I keep thinking all the sudden shes gonna tell joe she wants to be with him and then hes gonna drop me for her. =[. i really hope that doesnt happen. i havent slept at all in like 3 days. he doesnt know that. i just stay up and watch tv. today was the first time ive slept in 3 days and i slept till 3. I wish i could get over this. I think sometimes when hes quite hes thinking about her. He wanted me to call her tonight and see what she was up to and i think it was because he wanted to know and he knows how we talk alot.
♥
Im hurting alot lately. i want to know that he loves me and honestly wants to be with me. i dont want to worry. but thats how its gonna be cause im trying to get over the pain and heartbreak hes put me through. i dont need to think about i need to talk about it. oh well.
♥