(no subject)
So as you may remember, two weekends ago I posted a Craigslist ad looking for queer males in the area who will let me be their fag hag. It was mostly for just shits and giggles, but I actually got some responses right away. The first response was from some guy named "Kris" who simply wrote, Bi male here.. just want to hang out.. interested? I emailed him back, asking him if he wouldn't mind telling me a little bit more about himself. In a similarly short email he told me that he was 30 and lived in the Durham/Research Triangle Park area and was interested in writing. Seeing that we had writing in common, I asked him to tell more about that. This was his response:
I write short stories. Mostly just for myself. Right now, I am concentrating on my own novel. Havent been able to concentrate on ti much since the new job, but december would be wonderful time. glad you enjoy writing too.. maybe we can take a weekend off and drive out somewhere and just sit and spend time completing couple of chapters. The story I am writing on for past three months is on life of a dyslexic child. Interesting concept but narration is going slow since I havent been spending time with real life teachers/counselors for kids with special needs. Will be meeting someone I know mid next month, so that should give me more insight into my story.
Archeology i s cool.. r u history buff?
I have to admit that I was kind of turned off by two things: one, that he was immediately jumping into the "we should hang out right away!" thing, despite the fact that we'd barely communicated. (Yeah, like I'd get in a car with someone I don't know and have barely spoken to.) And two, that he actually wrote "r u history buff." I'm sorry, but no 30 year old should write like that, especially one who claims to be a writer! As a literature major, I find that kind of chatspeak, even in a casual email, totally off-putting. Writing in lolcat as a joke is one thing, but writing "r u history buff" is another matter entirely. Maybe that makes me come off as a snob, but I really just can't abide by such bad grammar.
I didn't even have time to respond to that last email when, a few nights ago at around 6 pm, he emailed me again with the single sentence: watchya doing later today? *le groan* I've never really done the "friending people online for the purpose of friending them IRL later" thing before, so I'm new to this, but somehow I don't see myself actually going to hang out with someone until I've had a few good conversations with them first.
And later that night, he messaged me on Google Chat...and we proceeded to not have a good conversation. Not that it was that bad, per se. He seemed like a nice guy I guess, but...oh God, I'll just have to show you.
So basically: this guy writes in some of the worst chatspeak I have ever seen in my entire life. The "r u history buff" thing was just the tip of the iceberg.
kris: just logged in to chek mails
:)
mmm
howz it goin on ya tonight?
me: okay, I've been watching a movie with my roommate
kris: oh nice
which one
?
me: .... Wall-E XD
kris: i wanned to watch quantum of solace.. cudnt find company:(
ohh nice
me: awww
yeah, we love wall-e
kris: yeah.. hear izz a good mvie
Then we started talking about James Bond flicks:
kris: hehe sean connery were best :)
disliked roger moore
but others I guess were just fine
best of all.. prolly golden eye
dunno
:)
nev mind nuff of bond
so howz rest?
me: eh, fine....I work tomorrow which suuucks
kris: ahhh
HATE workin weekends
dass something i wont do
"Howz"? "Izz"? "Wanned"? "Cudnt"? "Sean Connery were best"? And most of all..."dass" for "that's"?! SERIOUSLY?! *headdesk*
Throughout the rest of our painful conversation, he continually wrote "dass" for "that's," ended words with a "z" that should end with an "s," and various other "Oh God, my eyes!"-inducing misspellings. But the truly weird thing is that, despite all that, it became clear that he has at least some intelligence, because at one point he started talking about economic stuff I couldn't even begin to understand, and he actually stopped the chatspeak for a little while:
kris: right now.. I am investigating the break of capitalism theory
so am doing lots of readings
to get a pers[pective
I just want to understand what breaks principles of capitalism or stretc its limits
as much as I dislike alan greenspan
I liked his theory that absolute gdp or per capita earnings and things should not be measure of progress
but there should be a component to measure satisfaction of citizens of country
And then when we started talking about religion:
kris: mmm
interestingly
most of the religions evolved from just two places on the planet
nile river basin and indus river basin
kind of cool
me: yeah, I think we talked about that in my ancient civilizations class in college
kris: mmm\
like indus river basin had hinduism, buddhism, jainism and other minor variants
and nile had judaism, christianity and islam
which makes one think what happened to paganism
me: well, there was plenty of paganism in ancient europe
But then he immediately followed that up with:
kris: dass wat I was about to say
ARG! Enough with the "dass"! As my friend Scott said (I was copying and pasting bits of this conversation to Scott as it was happening), "You're not an idiot, so don't talk like one!" How can you be talking almost normally and then immediately follow it with "dass"? I don't get it. D:
And then our conversation took a really weird turn, as we started talking about being queer and coming out, and he told me that he was almost molested by some guy at a party and he "liked it."
kris: but therez this guy who I think is "working: on me
:)
me: oh yeah?
do say more
kris: mmmm
too many details maybe :)
but he was getting too "intrusive" and i was so drubnk that I let him go on at it ;) felt molested but I like that feeling :P
me: oh my
kris: hehe
he wanted to "come over" but I somehow avoided him and ran out of the gathering :)
me: where was this, a party?
kris: yeah
me: did you know the guy?
kris: nope but my other buddy does
:)
me: man, I don't know how I would react in that situation
kris: lol
me: I did have a guy I met at a party who tried to cuddle me immediately
I was like "how about no."
kris: lol
this guy was lets say "sweet'
:)
me: in a good or bad way?
kris: good way ;)
verrrrryyyy gud way:)
he was very nice
me: I dunno, you said he was a molester XD
kris: nah\
he was sweet
i felt crazy though
caz i was lil drunk
but he was very nice guy
me: well that's good to hear XD
kris: mmmm
;)
u betchya i wud have been all over him if he were here now :P
dat night if he wud have followed me... I think it wud have done both him and me LOT OF GOOD
:)
but he didnt
:p
Uhhhh...okay. And then he asked me, "u can hook me wid ne of ur bf's? :P" I don't know if by "bf's" he meant "best friends" or "boyfriends," but either way I was like "Uh, no, sorry."
And here is probably the icing on the cake of this conversation, the part that made me laugh more than anything else. We started talking about gaydars and being out, and he said the following "sentence":
kris: but i think pplz gadarz r pretty stapprach merong when they
First of all..."gadarz"? HAHAHAHAHA. But also...WHAT THE FUCK? What the hell does that MEAN? Is that even English? He tried to correct himself:
kris: the sentence was
but i think pplz gadarz r strong when they approach me
But it was too late. The damage was done. "Pplz gadarz r pretty stapprach merong when they." I want to get that sentence tattooed on me. I want to make it one of my Facebook quotes. I want to make an LJ icon out of it. I want to spray paint it on walls in every city I visit, because seriously, it doesn't get much funnier than that.
Finally he went away, but not before once again creepily suggesting that we should hang out immediately by saying "then u MUST be here RIGHT NOW :P" But at least he was gone, praise Jeebus.
I knew Craigslist could be sketchy, but I at least hoped for a better response than that. Oh well. At least Scott and I got to mock him the entire time the conversation was going on. A few highlights from my conversation with Scott:
me: oh god, can you imagine playing scrabble with this guy?!
Scott: lol
me: "that's not a word."
"ur wrong just so u no!"
Scott: LOL
he'd spell omnomnom and expect it to count
We also agreed that he's probably a Kathy Griffin fan, or in Scott's words, "Someone for whom death by atomic bomb anal sex wouldn't be good enough. A huge A-bomb right up the ass, which then obliterates you." XD (I heart you Scott!)
Another theory we have about this guy: his real name is probably Chris, but he changed the spelling to Kris because "dass so much kewler." Meanwhile, his parents are saying, "FUCK YOU I NAMED YOU CHRIS."
Ohhh, man. At least he provided Scott and me (and the rest of my friends with whom I've shared this epic conversation) with tons of inside jokes for years to come.
I write short stories. Mostly just for myself. Right now, I am concentrating on my own novel. Havent been able to concentrate on ti much since the new job, but december would be wonderful time. glad you enjoy writing too.. maybe we can take a weekend off and drive out somewhere and just sit and spend time completing couple of chapters. The story I am writing on for past three months is on life of a dyslexic child. Interesting concept but narration is going slow since I havent been spending time with real life teachers/counselors for kids with special needs. Will be meeting someone I know mid next month, so that should give me more insight into my story.
Archeology i s cool.. r u history buff?
I have to admit that I was kind of turned off by two things: one, that he was immediately jumping into the "we should hang out right away!" thing, despite the fact that we'd barely communicated. (Yeah, like I'd get in a car with someone I don't know and have barely spoken to.) And two, that he actually wrote "r u history buff." I'm sorry, but no 30 year old should write like that, especially one who claims to be a writer! As a literature major, I find that kind of chatspeak, even in a casual email, totally off-putting. Writing in lolcat as a joke is one thing, but writing "r u history buff" is another matter entirely. Maybe that makes me come off as a snob, but I really just can't abide by such bad grammar.
I didn't even have time to respond to that last email when, a few nights ago at around 6 pm, he emailed me again with the single sentence: watchya doing later today? *le groan* I've never really done the "friending people online for the purpose of friending them IRL later" thing before, so I'm new to this, but somehow I don't see myself actually going to hang out with someone until I've had a few good conversations with them first.
And later that night, he messaged me on Google Chat...and we proceeded to not have a good conversation. Not that it was that bad, per se. He seemed like a nice guy I guess, but...oh God, I'll just have to show you.
So basically: this guy writes in some of the worst chatspeak I have ever seen in my entire life. The "r u history buff" thing was just the tip of the iceberg.
kris: just logged in to chek mails
:)
mmm
howz it goin on ya tonight?
me: okay, I've been watching a movie with my roommate
kris: oh nice
which one
?
me: .... Wall-E XD
kris: i wanned to watch quantum of solace.. cudnt find company:(
ohh nice
me: awww
yeah, we love wall-e
kris: yeah.. hear izz a good mvie
Then we started talking about James Bond flicks:
kris: hehe sean connery were best :)
disliked roger moore
but others I guess were just fine
best of all.. prolly golden eye
dunno
:)
nev mind nuff of bond
so howz rest?
me: eh, fine....I work tomorrow which suuucks
kris: ahhh
HATE workin weekends
dass something i wont do
"Howz"? "Izz"? "Wanned"? "Cudnt"? "Sean Connery were best"? And most of all..."dass" for "that's"?! SERIOUSLY?! *headdesk*
Throughout the rest of our painful conversation, he continually wrote "dass" for "that's," ended words with a "z" that should end with an "s," and various other "Oh God, my eyes!"-inducing misspellings. But the truly weird thing is that, despite all that, it became clear that he has at least some intelligence, because at one point he started talking about economic stuff I couldn't even begin to understand, and he actually stopped the chatspeak for a little while:
kris: right now.. I am investigating the break of capitalism theory
so am doing lots of readings
to get a pers[pective
I just want to understand what breaks principles of capitalism or stretc its limits
as much as I dislike alan greenspan
I liked his theory that absolute gdp or per capita earnings and things should not be measure of progress
but there should be a component to measure satisfaction of citizens of country
And then when we started talking about religion:
kris: mmm
interestingly
most of the religions evolved from just two places on the planet
nile river basin and indus river basin
kind of cool
me: yeah, I think we talked about that in my ancient civilizations class in college
kris: mmm\
like indus river basin had hinduism, buddhism, jainism and other minor variants
and nile had judaism, christianity and islam
which makes one think what happened to paganism
me: well, there was plenty of paganism in ancient europe
But then he immediately followed that up with:
kris: dass wat I was about to say
ARG! Enough with the "dass"! As my friend Scott said (I was copying and pasting bits of this conversation to Scott as it was happening), "You're not an idiot, so don't talk like one!" How can you be talking almost normally and then immediately follow it with "dass"? I don't get it. D:
And then our conversation took a really weird turn, as we started talking about being queer and coming out, and he told me that he was almost molested by some guy at a party and he "liked it."
kris: but therez this guy who I think is "working: on me
:)
me: oh yeah?
do say more
kris: mmmm
too many details maybe :)
but he was getting too "intrusive" and i was so drubnk that I let him go on at it ;) felt molested but I like that feeling :P
me: oh my
kris: hehe
he wanted to "come over" but I somehow avoided him and ran out of the gathering :)
me: where was this, a party?
kris: yeah
me: did you know the guy?
kris: nope but my other buddy does
:)
me: man, I don't know how I would react in that situation
kris: lol
me: I did have a guy I met at a party who tried to cuddle me immediately
I was like "how about no."
kris: lol
this guy was lets say "sweet'
:)
me: in a good or bad way?
kris: good way ;)
verrrrryyyy gud way:)
he was very nice
me: I dunno, you said he was a molester XD
kris: nah\
he was sweet
i felt crazy though
caz i was lil drunk
but he was very nice guy
me: well that's good to hear XD
kris: mmmm
;)
u betchya i wud have been all over him if he were here now :P
dat night if he wud have followed me... I think it wud have done both him and me LOT OF GOOD
:)
but he didnt
:p
Uhhhh...okay. And then he asked me, "u can hook me wid ne of ur bf's? :P" I don't know if by "bf's" he meant "best friends" or "boyfriends," but either way I was like "Uh, no, sorry."
And here is probably the icing on the cake of this conversation, the part that made me laugh more than anything else. We started talking about gaydars and being out, and he said the following "sentence":
kris: but i think pplz gadarz r pretty stapprach merong when they
First of all..."gadarz"? HAHAHAHAHA. But also...WHAT THE FUCK? What the hell does that MEAN? Is that even English? He tried to correct himself:
kris: the sentence was
but i think pplz gadarz r strong when they approach me
But it was too late. The damage was done. "Pplz gadarz r pretty stapprach merong when they." I want to get that sentence tattooed on me. I want to make it one of my Facebook quotes. I want to make an LJ icon out of it. I want to spray paint it on walls in every city I visit, because seriously, it doesn't get much funnier than that.
Finally he went away, but not before once again creepily suggesting that we should hang out immediately by saying "then u MUST be here RIGHT NOW :P" But at least he was gone, praise Jeebus.
I knew Craigslist could be sketchy, but I at least hoped for a better response than that. Oh well. At least Scott and I got to mock him the entire time the conversation was going on. A few highlights from my conversation with Scott:
me: oh god, can you imagine playing scrabble with this guy?!
Scott: lol
me: "that's not a word."
"ur wrong just so u no!"
Scott: LOL
he'd spell omnomnom and expect it to count
We also agreed that he's probably a Kathy Griffin fan, or in Scott's words, "Someone for whom death by atomic bomb anal sex wouldn't be good enough. A huge A-bomb right up the ass, which then obliterates you." XD (I heart you Scott!)
Another theory we have about this guy: his real name is probably Chris, but he changed the spelling to Kris because "dass so much kewler." Meanwhile, his parents are saying, "FUCK YOU I NAMED YOU CHRIS."
Ohhh, man. At least he provided Scott and me (and the rest of my friends with whom I've shared this epic conversation) with tons of inside jokes for years to come.