Back into that writing mood.
Two of them. Both unfinished. I cant keep my head straight long enough
to finish either one of them. Thoughts keep swimming. I hate having
time to myself. This is what happens.
I dont know what it is,
Cant seem to get it right.
My heart seems to break
at the thought of a fight.
It's not easy to forget,
You dont know how hard I've tried
But I cant seem to forget the hurt,
Or all the tears I've cried.
No matter how much it hurts
Remembering all these things,
I cant help but realize
All the love it brings.
It wont make sense to anyone but me,
Believe me I know.
But with every heartbreak,
My love only seems to grow.
It gives me time to sit and think,
All about you and I.
And it just reassures me that
Without you, I would die.
You're like the silver lining
On my cloud so dark and black.
I cant seem to get it out of my head,
Like a cd on repeat.
All the hurtful things you said,
Knocking me off my feet.
I cant trust you anymore.
So many times you've lied,
So many promises you've broken.
With all that lost,
Each and every word you've spoken.
I've come to question everything,
Even your "I love you"s.
Because how can I believe
What you once said wasnt true?
No one wants to be lonely
In this world so dark and cold,
Everyone is looking for that one
To have, to love, to hold.
I dont know what's going on. Lately, I've just been like, crazy. I'm blaming it on Josh going back to school because, I really think that's what it is. Just, gah. I dont fucking know anymore. I cant help but be crazy. I try to not think about it, but it's in my dreams, fucking haunting me. I keep having dreams that feel so fucking real..Just reliving the times him and I have broken up. I wake up crying sometimes, I wake up thinking he's still gone..Like I'm still sitting in my aunts house, just waking up after 2 hours of tortured sleep. I just dont know what to do anymore. I try not to think about it, but it doesnt work like that. I dont know why I cant get over it. I've been crying to him the past like, month. No matter what, everyday, it never fails. The waterworks come out. I know it bothers him that I cant trust him, but he knows I cant, he knows I have a good reason not to be able to. But I want to trust him again. Everytime I think about it though, I think about what happened last time. After the first time he broke up with me, it fucking hurt so bad, even though we had only spent like 3 hours "broken up". And it took me how fucking long to get over it? Like, 4 fucking months. And he promised he'd never do it again. But then what happened? As soon as I put my trust in him, he broke up with me again. And so much worse than the first time. I mean, the first time, it was more of a "break" than a "break up", you know? The second one was just like..Wow. Hit me like a fucking brick. And I just cant forget about it.
I keep thinking back. 2 days before he broke up with me, I called him, and had every intention of breaking up with him. But as soon as I had heard his voice, I couldn't. But I manned up, because it had to be talked about, all the problems we were having, all the crap I was feeling. And, I sat there and listened to him tell me, "Baby. It's ok. If you feel like we need to break up, then that's what we'll do. I just want you to know that I love you. I always will." and then, two fucking days later, he comes over, and tells me he doesnt love me anymore, and hey, he was planning on doing this for a fucking month. Everyone knew about it. Rich, Ryan, even fucking Sam knew about it. And noone bothered to tell me. I'm sorry, but that also made me feel like shit.
But you know what? We stayed apart. He gathered his stuff, and went home. I called him, even though I shouldnt have. But I had to. And it upset me more. He left me broken, crying..All I had was his hoodie. And, everyone fucking knows I clung to that hoodie like it was a float and I was in the middle of the Atlantic, drowning. It made me physically sick to be apart from him. And the first night him and I were apart, I barely slept. We were at my aunts house, and it was 5:30 in the morning. What was I doing while everyone else was sleeping? I was downstairs, pouring my heart out the only way I know how. And then, in the morning, I called him. I needed to see him, to tell him, to try and talk to him. So, after another day of Hell, he came over, and we talked. And I swear to God, I'll never forget it. We sat in the middle room on the bed. He was laying down and I was sitting next to him, tears rolling down my eyes. I gave him what I wrote and sat there, waiting for him to get done. His eyes filled up with tears about halfway through reading. When he was done, he looked up at me with the tear-filled eyes and said he was sorry, then he pulled me close and kissed me. God, I remember not knowing what he meant. If he meant he was sorry for what he did, or what he was about to do. I was so relieved when he pulled away and said "you know I'd never be able to live without that." I dont think anyone really knows how much of an impact it had on me.
I'd fight for him no matter what, I really would. I would die for him. In a heartbeat, without giving it a second thought. And yet, here I am again, doubting HIM. Not me, I know how I feel. But I can never know for sure how he feels. I feel like he feels the same way for me..Which I guess is all that counts. I can see forever in his eyes, I can see myself with him, whenever I think of what I'm going to be like when I'm older. I was watching Wedding Singer yesterday, and Drew Barrymore had it right when she said that love was being able to see yourself grow old with that person.
God. This is rediculious. I need to get a job, or a hobby or something. I need to stop thinking about this shit and learn to forgive and forget. I'm really sorry about the long ass rant guys. I need to get shit off my chest too sometimes. Heh. Now here's a country song that I fucking love.
Tim McGraw - "Dont take the girl"
Johnnys daddy was taking him fishing
when he was eight years old.
a little girl came through the front gate
holding a fishing pole
his dad looked down and smiled
said we cant leave her behind
son I know you dont want her to go
but someday youll change your mind
and Johnny said
take Jimmy Johnson
take Tommy Thompson
take my best friend Bo-
take anybody that you want as
long as she dont go
take any boy in the world
daddy please- dont take the girl
Same old boy
same sweet girl
ten years down the road
he held her tight and kissed her lips
in front of the picture show
Stranger came and pulled a gun
grabbed her by the arm
said if you do what I tell you to do
there wont be any harm
and Johnny said
take my money
take my wallet
take my credit cards
heres the watch that my grandpa gave me
heres the keys to my car
mister give it a whirl
but please-dont take the girl
Same old boy
same sweet girl
five years down the road
theres gonna be a little one
and she says its time to go
docter says the babys fine
but youll have to leave
cause his mommas fading fast
and Johnny hit his knees
and there he prayed
take the very breath you gave me
take the heart from my chest
Ill gladly take her place
if youll let me
make this my last request
take me out of this world
God please-dont take the girl
Johnnys daddy was taking him fishing
when he was eight years old.
Peace out guys...Thanks for...Letting me take up space with this rant. Heh.
I dont know what it is,
Cant seem to get it right.
My heart seems to break
at the thought of a fight.
It's not easy to forget,
You dont know how hard I've tried
But I cant seem to forget the hurt,
Or all the tears I've cried.
No matter how much it hurts
Remembering all these things,
I cant help but realize
All the love it brings.
It wont make sense to anyone but me,
Believe me I know.
But with every heartbreak,
My love only seems to grow.
It gives me time to sit and think,
All about you and I.
And it just reassures me that
Without you, I would die.
You're like the silver lining
On my cloud so dark and black.
I cant seem to get it out of my head,
Like a cd on repeat.
All the hurtful things you said,
Knocking me off my feet.
I cant trust you anymore.
So many times you've lied,
So many promises you've broken.
With all that lost,
Each and every word you've spoken.
I've come to question everything,
Even your "I love you"s.
Because how can I believe
What you once said wasnt true?
No one wants to be lonely
In this world so dark and cold,
Everyone is looking for that one
To have, to love, to hold.
I dont know what's going on. Lately, I've just been like, crazy. I'm blaming it on Josh going back to school because, I really think that's what it is. Just, gah. I dont fucking know anymore. I cant help but be crazy. I try to not think about it, but it's in my dreams, fucking haunting me. I keep having dreams that feel so fucking real..Just reliving the times him and I have broken up. I wake up crying sometimes, I wake up thinking he's still gone..Like I'm still sitting in my aunts house, just waking up after 2 hours of tortured sleep. I just dont know what to do anymore. I try not to think about it, but it doesnt work like that. I dont know why I cant get over it. I've been crying to him the past like, month. No matter what, everyday, it never fails. The waterworks come out. I know it bothers him that I cant trust him, but he knows I cant, he knows I have a good reason not to be able to. But I want to trust him again. Everytime I think about it though, I think about what happened last time. After the first time he broke up with me, it fucking hurt so bad, even though we had only spent like 3 hours "broken up". And it took me how fucking long to get over it? Like, 4 fucking months. And he promised he'd never do it again. But then what happened? As soon as I put my trust in him, he broke up with me again. And so much worse than the first time. I mean, the first time, it was more of a "break" than a "break up", you know? The second one was just like..Wow. Hit me like a fucking brick. And I just cant forget about it.
I keep thinking back. 2 days before he broke up with me, I called him, and had every intention of breaking up with him. But as soon as I had heard his voice, I couldn't. But I manned up, because it had to be talked about, all the problems we were having, all the crap I was feeling. And, I sat there and listened to him tell me, "Baby. It's ok. If you feel like we need to break up, then that's what we'll do. I just want you to know that I love you. I always will." and then, two fucking days later, he comes over, and tells me he doesnt love me anymore, and hey, he was planning on doing this for a fucking month. Everyone knew about it. Rich, Ryan, even fucking Sam knew about it. And noone bothered to tell me. I'm sorry, but that also made me feel like shit.
But you know what? We stayed apart. He gathered his stuff, and went home. I called him, even though I shouldnt have. But I had to. And it upset me more. He left me broken, crying..All I had was his hoodie. And, everyone fucking knows I clung to that hoodie like it was a float and I was in the middle of the Atlantic, drowning. It made me physically sick to be apart from him. And the first night him and I were apart, I barely slept. We were at my aunts house, and it was 5:30 in the morning. What was I doing while everyone else was sleeping? I was downstairs, pouring my heart out the only way I know how. And then, in the morning, I called him. I needed to see him, to tell him, to try and talk to him. So, after another day of Hell, he came over, and we talked. And I swear to God, I'll never forget it. We sat in the middle room on the bed. He was laying down and I was sitting next to him, tears rolling down my eyes. I gave him what I wrote and sat there, waiting for him to get done. His eyes filled up with tears about halfway through reading. When he was done, he looked up at me with the tear-filled eyes and said he was sorry, then he pulled me close and kissed me. God, I remember not knowing what he meant. If he meant he was sorry for what he did, or what he was about to do. I was so relieved when he pulled away and said "you know I'd never be able to live without that." I dont think anyone really knows how much of an impact it had on me.
I'd fight for him no matter what, I really would. I would die for him. In a heartbeat, without giving it a second thought. And yet, here I am again, doubting HIM. Not me, I know how I feel. But I can never know for sure how he feels. I feel like he feels the same way for me..Which I guess is all that counts. I can see forever in his eyes, I can see myself with him, whenever I think of what I'm going to be like when I'm older. I was watching Wedding Singer yesterday, and Drew Barrymore had it right when she said that love was being able to see yourself grow old with that person.
God. This is rediculious. I need to get a job, or a hobby or something. I need to stop thinking about this shit and learn to forgive and forget. I'm really sorry about the long ass rant guys. I need to get shit off my chest too sometimes. Heh. Now here's a country song that I fucking love.
Tim McGraw - "Dont take the girl"
Johnnys daddy was taking him fishing
when he was eight years old.
a little girl came through the front gate
holding a fishing pole
his dad looked down and smiled
said we cant leave her behind
son I know you dont want her to go
but someday youll change your mind
and Johnny said
take Jimmy Johnson
take Tommy Thompson
take my best friend Bo-
take anybody that you want as
long as she dont go
take any boy in the world
daddy please- dont take the girl
Same old boy
same sweet girl
ten years down the road
he held her tight and kissed her lips
in front of the picture show
Stranger came and pulled a gun
grabbed her by the arm
said if you do what I tell you to do
there wont be any harm
and Johnny said
take my money
take my wallet
take my credit cards
heres the watch that my grandpa gave me
heres the keys to my car
mister give it a whirl
but please-dont take the girl
Same old boy
same sweet girl
five years down the road
theres gonna be a little one
and she says its time to go
docter says the babys fine
but youll have to leave
cause his mommas fading fast
and Johnny hit his knees
and there he prayed
take the very breath you gave me
take the heart from my chest
Ill gladly take her place
if youll let me
make this my last request
take me out of this world
God please-dont take the girl
Johnnys daddy was taking him fishing
when he was eight years old.
Peace out guys...Thanks for...Letting me take up space with this rant. Heh.