Unprobable
Things are starting to unravel sooner than I expected. The forcast is still grim, while the outlook; mildly pessimistic. I can almost feel myself burning in the crash already. My god its going to be horrible. Im definitely not going to be able to handle this, not again, not now, not forever (whatever length of time that is).
I just finished explaining to keith this whole deal, the equation of my life. So many negatives pour into it each day.
a + b = c
Basically variable "a" and "b" represent positive and negative influence upon my life. They are interchangeable and one is always negative and one is always positive (respectively). Its easy to see where this is going, "c" is the solution, my outlook on life. Basically this is a thumbs up or thumbs down to living to see another day.
The negatives outweigh the positives, both in volume and in weight. Since the values are relative to eachother, over the years as I suffer through more and more stagnant time, the weight (value per incidence) of negative factors rise while the negatives do not. Its gotten to the point where any shred of luck or happiness has a greater value than a million bad things, reguardless of what they are. If I was to secure one breakthrough, one lapse of agony, for a day or a lifetime, it would throw the equations solution ("c") into a positve number. At least for those fleeting moments of my existance I would be able to feel like each day is worth it.
Until then I keep trying to find the positives, they are there, all around me. In this case, it is dangled before my face like a tease, leading me right into the crosshair. I hope this is all in my head because if it isint there is only devastation to follow. These are such cold and lonely thoughts
**EDIT** 10/12/06 - Typographical and/or mental slip: "change of 2nd "negative" in 5th paragraph to "positive" (makes more sense now doesnt it)
I just finished explaining to keith this whole deal, the equation of my life. So many negatives pour into it each day.
a + b = c
Basically variable "a" and "b" represent positive and negative influence upon my life. They are interchangeable and one is always negative and one is always positive (respectively). Its easy to see where this is going, "c" is the solution, my outlook on life. Basically this is a thumbs up or thumbs down to living to see another day.
The negatives outweigh the positives, both in volume and in weight. Since the values are relative to eachother, over the years as I suffer through more and more stagnant time, the weight (value per incidence) of negative factors rise while the negatives do not. Its gotten to the point where any shred of luck or happiness has a greater value than a million bad things, reguardless of what they are. If I was to secure one breakthrough, one lapse of agony, for a day or a lifetime, it would throw the equations solution ("c") into a positve number. At least for those fleeting moments of my existance I would be able to feel like each day is worth it.
Until then I keep trying to find the positives, they are there, all around me. In this case, it is dangled before my face like a tease, leading me right into the crosshair. I hope this is all in my head because if it isint there is only devastation to follow. These are such cold and lonely thoughts
**EDIT** 10/12/06 - Typographical and/or mental slip: "change of 2nd "negative" in 5th paragraph to "positive" (makes more sense now doesnt it)