Well
This page is great isint it? Its all Desirae, she is a genious. Thank you for making me this layout and always doing html stuff for me, stuff that I WISH I could do! You are amazing!!<3
In other news, I wanted to break the uneasyness of the last entry I typed. Now I never believe that once something is said (or in this case put up for others to read, and assumed they do) that it can be unsaid, ever. Nothing that ever happens can be undone, not in the real, physical world (there is no ctrl+z on life). So yeah, I say some things that may be odd, some things that may be stupid, some things that may be frightening, some things that just dont make sense. Justly, I am trying VERY hard to comprehend the gravity of this situation. I wont lie, I literally practiced cocking and priming a shotgun, I actually held it up to my face to see if my arm could reach the trigger. Why? Why else, because I had a desire to simply take a step that would make everything, good, bad, and ugly, (pun) go away. Dont react to this as I know you think you should. In this moment, I am in a state of mind that is completely neutral to all, living and not living are changes of being, not a unpredictable, swinging mood. Now that Ive gotten the truth out about what the last entry was about, I can go on to assess how things are progressing henceforth.
First off, I feel ok, right now. I am slightly hungry and I think I am going to go get some food, but the negative emotions and self destructive thoughts do not dwell in my head at this time. The last week was hard, up and down each day like a goddamn roller coaster. Some days you are resentful, some filled with compassion. Some give glints of hope, while others make them fade away. The up and down on the continuum never ceases to give you a sense of how your whole life is in that moment, its hard to deny that. Tomorrow I am going to do what Ive done this whole weekend, something that keeps me busy, keeps me entertained, yet does not keep me happy/fulfilled. I dont know what Im looking for in life, but I know its not there, that lacking is something I desperately try to fill with anything I can get my hands on, but just like when you were a toddler learning what shapes were, what shape block fits in what shape hole?
As far as my life has gone, I have never bottomed out to the extent that I have over the past few weeks to a month. Understand that it is another step in my wordly lesson, to know what it is like to drift down, and scrape the lining of the unforseeable below. I use my words carefully to describe these situtations. Blantanly put, I know what its like to be a millimeter away from death. Though as horrible as that will seem, it is another defining turn, another change of light, how I see the world. I really am convinced that I am trapped in this uneducated mind, wanting to know everything and everyone. I want to understand fully and truly all aspects of life and time and space and matter. How could the human brain become the master of this planet? From a microscopic cell simmering, at the beginning of time. To the yet-to-be-seen burning embers of its end. Inbetween we exist, the line wavers but never deviates, what had us begin will be as meaningless as what will bring about closure. How could the human race be the only one of its kind, surrounded in oblivion?
I seem to have lost myself again, my mind goes in circles but it always comes back to the most broad and vast topics as this. I am doing better now, who will say it will last? Who can say where I will be tomorrow or the next, will I be here next week. Will time end in the very nano-second after you read the end of this sentence? I just let it go on, and whatever happens to me, shapes me, I will accept it like I always do. I figure I am either going to make it or I am not, the decision will never be made until it is made. I will never be ready for it, I dont think anyone will. Thats the peek into my mind for today, I hope you enjoyed the ride, but its time for me to give this bustling brain a rest.
<3
In other news, I wanted to break the uneasyness of the last entry I typed. Now I never believe that once something is said (or in this case put up for others to read, and assumed they do) that it can be unsaid, ever. Nothing that ever happens can be undone, not in the real, physical world (there is no ctrl+z on life). So yeah, I say some things that may be odd, some things that may be stupid, some things that may be frightening, some things that just dont make sense. Justly, I am trying VERY hard to comprehend the gravity of this situation. I wont lie, I literally practiced cocking and priming a shotgun, I actually held it up to my face to see if my arm could reach the trigger. Why? Why else, because I had a desire to simply take a step that would make everything, good, bad, and ugly, (pun) go away. Dont react to this as I know you think you should. In this moment, I am in a state of mind that is completely neutral to all, living and not living are changes of being, not a unpredictable, swinging mood. Now that Ive gotten the truth out about what the last entry was about, I can go on to assess how things are progressing henceforth.
First off, I feel ok, right now. I am slightly hungry and I think I am going to go get some food, but the negative emotions and self destructive thoughts do not dwell in my head at this time. The last week was hard, up and down each day like a goddamn roller coaster. Some days you are resentful, some filled with compassion. Some give glints of hope, while others make them fade away. The up and down on the continuum never ceases to give you a sense of how your whole life is in that moment, its hard to deny that. Tomorrow I am going to do what Ive done this whole weekend, something that keeps me busy, keeps me entertained, yet does not keep me happy/fulfilled. I dont know what Im looking for in life, but I know its not there, that lacking is something I desperately try to fill with anything I can get my hands on, but just like when you were a toddler learning what shapes were, what shape block fits in what shape hole?
As far as my life has gone, I have never bottomed out to the extent that I have over the past few weeks to a month. Understand that it is another step in my wordly lesson, to know what it is like to drift down, and scrape the lining of the unforseeable below. I use my words carefully to describe these situtations. Blantanly put, I know what its like to be a millimeter away from death. Though as horrible as that will seem, it is another defining turn, another change of light, how I see the world. I really am convinced that I am trapped in this uneducated mind, wanting to know everything and everyone. I want to understand fully and truly all aspects of life and time and space and matter. How could the human brain become the master of this planet? From a microscopic cell simmering, at the beginning of time. To the yet-to-be-seen burning embers of its end. Inbetween we exist, the line wavers but never deviates, what had us begin will be as meaningless as what will bring about closure. How could the human race be the only one of its kind, surrounded in oblivion?
I seem to have lost myself again, my mind goes in circles but it always comes back to the most broad and vast topics as this. I am doing better now, who will say it will last? Who can say where I will be tomorrow or the next, will I be here next week. Will time end in the very nano-second after you read the end of this sentence? I just let it go on, and whatever happens to me, shapes me, I will accept it like I always do. I figure I am either going to make it or I am not, the decision will never be made until it is made. I will never be ready for it, I dont think anyone will. Thats the peek into my mind for today, I hope you enjoyed the ride, but its time for me to give this bustling brain a rest.
<3