(no subject)
Not even my closest friends know what's really going on in my head. None of my closest friends know anything about me. They know I complain and they know what's going on and how things make me annoyed and resentful towards certain others, but they don't know the extent.
It scared me how I cry when no one is looking. How I put on a happy face and a strong face and make it so it's not affecting me, but in reality, it is.
I don't think anyone cares if they knew, I've tried a couple times to open up to certain people but no one really wants to listen. Everyone has their own problems. Nobody wants to listen to mine.
After the email I wrote my father, he stopped trying altogether. I guess the fact that 2 of his daughters giving him another chance was enough, who cares about the third. He doesn't care that I would take a lot of time and effort to get thru the things that he's put me thru and to be able to allow him any part of my life. He thinks it's cut and dry and that I should take him back with open arms. How many times have I heard it before, how many times has he gone to rehab and how many times has he not changed. Oh well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad i guess, I'm not that important.
Nikki hasn't been eating and has been taking it out on everyone in this house. It's gotten to the point where I hate her and I hate my mother for letting her get away with this, cancer or not. I've got so much hate in me that it's starting to deteriorate me and I can't take it. I have no friends that I can go to to talk to. I've been contemplating just killing myself to get out of this hole I seem to be in. Even after the PMS has subsided - and I get really bad, like a dark cloud has engulfed me PMS - this thought has been more and more recurring. I hate myself, I hate the situation I'm in. I hate.
I want to get out of this place, I want to be secure, I want things to be better, I want to have a brief moment in my life where I don't have so much responsibility. I want to not have to worry about feeding the cats, the dog, the gliders. I want to not have to get out of bed and shower, or even brush my teeth. I want to sleep a whole night through without waking up a million times. I want to be able to shut my door and not have to open it every 10 min for Christ's sake.
Hell, I want to go on a date, where the guy is completely chivalrous and he opens doors and holds my hand, and looks me in the eyes when he's talking to me and not texting some other people on his phone.
I want my ex best friend to care that my mother is sick, and maybe show some type of affection towards her, she's known her and my mother has been there for her, and I was there for her for so many years, and she just don't give a shit about my mother it seems. My mother is dying, you could care, even if you still hate me cuz you're too good for me.
I guess I'm a selfish person. But I'm not really. I've given up my life for everyone around me, I don't go out, I don't have any money, I don't really laugh anymore. I take care of the people and animals around me even if they weren't mine or I was against getting them.
It scared me how I cry when no one is looking. How I put on a happy face and a strong face and make it so it's not affecting me, but in reality, it is.
I don't think anyone cares if they knew, I've tried a couple times to open up to certain people but no one really wants to listen. Everyone has their own problems. Nobody wants to listen to mine.
After the email I wrote my father, he stopped trying altogether. I guess the fact that 2 of his daughters giving him another chance was enough, who cares about the third. He doesn't care that I would take a lot of time and effort to get thru the things that he's put me thru and to be able to allow him any part of my life. He thinks it's cut and dry and that I should take him back with open arms. How many times have I heard it before, how many times has he gone to rehab and how many times has he not changed. Oh well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad i guess, I'm not that important.
Nikki hasn't been eating and has been taking it out on everyone in this house. It's gotten to the point where I hate her and I hate my mother for letting her get away with this, cancer or not. I've got so much hate in me that it's starting to deteriorate me and I can't take it. I have no friends that I can go to to talk to. I've been contemplating just killing myself to get out of this hole I seem to be in. Even after the PMS has subsided - and I get really bad, like a dark cloud has engulfed me PMS - this thought has been more and more recurring. I hate myself, I hate the situation I'm in. I hate.
I want to get out of this place, I want to be secure, I want things to be better, I want to have a brief moment in my life where I don't have so much responsibility. I want to not have to worry about feeding the cats, the dog, the gliders. I want to not have to get out of bed and shower, or even brush my teeth. I want to sleep a whole night through without waking up a million times. I want to be able to shut my door and not have to open it every 10 min for Christ's sake.
Hell, I want to go on a date, where the guy is completely chivalrous and he opens doors and holds my hand, and looks me in the eyes when he's talking to me and not texting some other people on his phone.
I want my ex best friend to care that my mother is sick, and maybe show some type of affection towards her, she's known her and my mother has been there for her, and I was there for her for so many years, and she just don't give a shit about my mother it seems. My mother is dying, you could care, even if you still hate me cuz you're too good for me.
I guess I'm a selfish person. But I'm not really. I've given up my life for everyone around me, I don't go out, I don't have any money, I don't really laugh anymore. I take care of the people and animals around me even if they weren't mine or I was against getting them.