Momento Mori (One-shot)
Title: Momento Mori
Pairing: Abusive!Shimin, Broken!Kyumin
Type: One-shot
Word count: 3688
Genre: Angst, romance
Rating: PG-15
Warning: Mentions of violence and smut. Character death.
Summary: The words flow so easy from Sungmin now that he doesn't know anymore if there's a meaning behind it or just empty words.
Author's note: My mind's a wreck and honestly? Writing is the only thing that makes it feel better.
Spots: for fickleminded9 because she is awesome and loves her Kyumin which I unfortunately killed =\ Sorry. And nattieloveqyu too because she asked for a spot on my next update.
28/5/12: This is badly typo-ridden and badly phased lol. I will get by to correcting it one day. I hope.
"Do you believe in 'happily ever after's', Kyu?" Sungmin asked, cheeks flushed after running around for hours. It sounded so casual coming out from the eight year old's lips that Kyuhyun had blinked a few times before responding.
"Of course not. They're just made up tales adults tell us to sleep every night. You can't possibly believe them, right hyung?" Kyuhyun said, missing the slight waver in Sungmin's stare as he had said those words that was quickly covered up by a wide grin.
"Of course not! I was just curious of your response to it, that's all. Come on!" Sungmin shouted as he ran towards the older woman waving towards them. "Dinner's ready and I'm hungry!"
And that's when he wakes up, all sweaty and harsh breaths. Slowly, his breathing regulates to normal and he turns to look at the person beside him, sleeping soundly.
As Sungmin slowly slips out of bed, he can't help but feel that God- the God Siwon believes and worships in oh so badly- must hate him, despise him or anything of a similar notion. Because all he feels is that hate, marring his skin, leaving bruises, cuts, scars. Semi-permanent marks that fade and reappear night after night.
As he silently enters the bathroom and steps into the shower, feeling the warm water that cascades down his skin, wincing slightly as they come in contact with the open wounds, Sungmin wants to laugh at himself. No matter how many times he's tried to leave, he's a fool bounded by those three words.
No, he mustn't think like this. Every lash against his back, every punishment and every binding isn't hate. Love is what Siwon calls it. Just Siwon trying to show to him how much he loves him. Sungmin is the bad one for thinking such thing, for ever trying to leave when Siwon is the only thing he has left.
It had all started that night, after a little too many drinks and a game of truth and dare. But could you really blame him for reacting that way? For the slight blush that tinted his cheeks when they had asked a question about Kyuhyun and Sungmin. Kyuhyun had been his first love, after all. Until... Things had changed and they had agreed it would have been best to just stick to being friends.
But Siwon had noticed the blush, had noticed Sungmin's shy nature towards the younger boy and it had caused him to snap that night.
Sungmin could remember when they had all begun to leave and the dark look in Siwon's eyes that his alcohol-induced mind had easily dismissed as nothing. It wasn't until they had reached Sungmin's dorm and Siwon had grabbed the older into a harsh kiss that felt way too off that Sungmin felt that feeling sink in his stomach. Fear
It wasn't too long before they had reached Sungmin and Eunhyuk's shared room- his roommate was staying over with a close friend of his for a night- with their clothes laying haphazardly on the floor as tangled limbs ended up crashing on Sungmin's bed.
However, what he did not expect was when Siwon had wrapped his hands around his neck and tightened his grip, black spots clouding his vision. Mine, only mine, Siwon had whispered into his ear before slowly allowing the oxygen to enter his system.
That night, Siwon had bounded him to the bed, leaving his marks on every inch of his body, taking him roughly. Sungmin was so sure the pain would never end until Siwon had finally tired down, glancing briefly at the purplish blue bruises that were slowly forming on his wrist, his neck, the inside of his thighs, everywhere Siwon's lips or hands could find.
I love you were the last words Sungmin had heard before drifting into unconsciousness.
And when he woke up, pain pulsing throughout his whole body, a cup of hot coffee in Siwon's hand, Sungmin couldn't help but forgive Siwon at the apologetic look in his face. "I'm fine. I love you too," he had remembered saying. And everything had been right again.
Or so he had thought.
He should have been smarter, should have never taken up Hyukjae's offer to hang out if he had known that Hyukjae's boyfriend's roommate had been Kyuhyun. But he hadn't. When Hyukjae had found out that he and Kyuhyun were already friends, he had left them together and dragged Donghae away so that they could talk.
So they sat there, enjoying the cool breeze and the silence when Kyuhyun had suddenly grabbed Sungmin's arm and said that he would take him back after Hyukjae and Donghae had disappeared for a good one hour and didn't look like they would be back anytime soon.
"Good night, Lee Sungmin," Kyuhyun had said as when they had finally reached their destination. But before Sungmin could walk into the building, Kyuhyun had planted a kiss on his head before letting go, leaving him with flushed cheeks and a wild, thumping heart that felt almost ready to explode.
He should have known Siwon was watching.
With that fluttery feeling still going on inside him, Sungmin had finally managed to unlock the door to see Siwon standing right in front of him. The strong hand that had grabbed his wrist felt like his only warning before it all started again. Only worse than before.
I love you, Siwon had said as he gripped Sungmin's hips hard enough to bruise. I love you, as he had pressed the snub of his used cigarette against his skin. I love you, as he bit into his shoulder and lapped at the blood that followed.
"What are you thinking of?" He can suddenly feel arms wound around him in the shower and a head resting on the top of his head.
"Just about mum and dad," he lies easily. He hasn't thought about them for awhile now but Siwon doesn't have to know.
"I'm sure they're happy up there right now," Siwon says, arms tightening around him. Silence. "I love you, Sungmin. So, so much."
The words flow so easy from Sungmin now that he doesn't know anymore if it there's a meaning behind it or just empty words.
"I love you too."
_______________________________
Sometimes, Kyuhyun wonders if he could turn back time and kick his past self silly for the decisions he's made that he hasn't been proud of.
Sungmin being one of them.
Maybe he should have paid more attention to the older man when they were together, should have noticed how fragile he was beneath the smile and happy personality he showed in front of everyone. And as selfish as it would have been, he should have held on tight and never have let him go.
He had done it so many times in the past. Hung out with his friends, flirt with girls and get drunk while Sungmin stayed at home, burrowed in his studying and hot chocolate. But more than once, the nights would blur and he would find himself in an unfamiliar room, stark naked, and a vaguely familiar girl on the pillow next to his.
I'm sorry was always the only thing that Kyuhyun could say as he saw the tears that glistened like raindrops. I'm sorry.
And always, the next day, Kyuhyun would find that smile replacing the tears on Sungmin's face and feel those warm arms around him that seemed to whisper I forgive you and Kyuhyun felt like everything was right again.
It wasn't until 4 months of the same thing and the wavering smile that Kyuhyun had finally decided to call it enough and do the right thing.
"Hyung, I think it's best if we break up," Kyuhyun said casually as he and Sungmin sat in the school library.
Sungmin just kept silent, so Kyuhyun continued.
"I mean, it was great while it lasted but I'm just not feeling anything anymore." Silence. "And I realised that the night with Seohyun didn't feel like a mistake. Plus, the whole gay thing isn't really going well with me anymore."
When Sungmin had suddenly stood up, Kyuhyun knew he had hit a nerve and as much as he wanted to comfort him, he couldn't. Not if he wanted this to work.
"I understand," Sungmin said, that smile still on his face that made Kyuhyun want to scream at him to just stop. "I truly, truly do."
But before Sungmin could leave, Kyuhyun had grabbed his arm. "We can still be friends. Just like before."
He could feel Sungmin shift slightly and felt a hand on his cheek. "Of course. You'll always be my childhood friend. Nothing could ever replace that," Sungmin whispered softly before taking Kyuhyun's hand off his arm and walking out.
And they were still childhood friends, still the closest thing that they had in each other's lives. Even if there was always still the slight pang in his heart whenever he saw the other or the slight waver in Sungmin's eyes when he was with him.
When Sungmin had finally gotten a new boyfriend over the course of a year, Kyuhyun didn't know whether the feeling inside of him was happiness that he had finally gotten over him or jealousy of the fact that someone else was meant to take care of Sungmin now.
But as much as he wanted to hate Sungmin's new boyfriend, he was glad to see that smile back on Sungmin's face. Not the smile he plastered on everyday that hid his feelings but the one Kyuhyun remembered during the early days of their relationship, the one he had promised to keep on Sungmin's face before everything had become complicated.
It wasn't until a half a year later when he had followed Donghae to visit Hyukjae and Sungmin at their dorm that Kyuhyun finally saw the bruises.
Honestly, he still wonders if he would have found out if the older man's blonde roommate didn't ask him to wake him up since Sungmin had the tendency of whacking Hyukjae with pillows whenever he did it.
So while Donghae and him had left for their classes, Kyuhyun was left with a silently sleeping Sungmin.
Looking at Sungmin's relaxed face as he slept, Kyuhyun contemplated just letting the other sleep while he took extra notes for him as they shared most of their classes together. However, the small peek of purple at Sungmin's wrist had caught his eye beneath the long sleeves.
Without a word, Kyuhyun carefully disentangled Sungmin from the sheets and lifted his shirt slightly. The sight of blisters, cuts and bruises had his stomach almost threatening to spew out his breakfast.
As much as he had wanted to shake Sungmin awake and demand he tell him who had done such a thing to him, he knew the older would not tell him a thing so he found himself tucking him back in, carefully closing the door behind him as he left.
Later during the day, when Sungmin was apologizing for the millionth for oversleeping and Kyuhyun had finally managed to calm him down, he decided to ask.
"You trust me, right Min?" Kyuhyun said, using his old nickname.
"Of course I do! Why wouldn't I?" The look on Sungmin's face is confused.
"Nothing," he had said, dropping the subject "I was just thinking of something, that's all."
Another two months later, everything clicked and he finally realised who.
The fear in Sungmin's eyes was so obvious then. And when Siwon had slung his arm around Sungmin that night, Kyuhyun could have sworn he saw the smaller man flinch.
And he wanted nothing more but to pull him away and keep him safe.
_______________________________
Siwon had always loved pretty things. His mother had always said that God's wish was that all pretty things were to be treasured. That was before she had left him alone for another family, left him alone with a drunkard of a father.
His childhood wasn't a pretty thing. But what he remembered clearer than anything was the hot sting of his father's belt against his flesh and the broken bottles.
The pain that came, over and over again in every passing day of his life. Until one day, it finally stopped.
He honestly had no recollection of what had happened then. One second he had seen his father ready to lash at him and suddenly, he found himself with a knife in hand, stabbing the man who had gave him life.
He didn't know how long he was at it, stabbing until he heard the sound of sirens and felt arms stopping and pulling him away.
They had sat him down with a psychiatrist after they had found the scars, asked him question after question until the woman had walked up to one of the policemen and whispered something. He could hear the words that rang louder than ever. Mentally unstable.
Spending a year in rehab did nothing to help. All he did was smile and pretend and they had all fallen for his acts. It was so simple. And when he was released, his mother had greeted him at the front door, all tears and whispers of forgiveness as she hugged him.
He had never felt so disgusted in his whole life.
But he smiled and hugged her back, uttering words like "It's fine," and "I forgive you," while the hate gnawed at his heart.
She had brought Siwon back home and Siwon felt sickened as he saw their family interactions. She had left him. She had left him to fend for himself while she played the wife to a picture perfect family.
He was sent to university then, and he had never felt so glad to be away from the ugliness of his mother's family. He had a roommate, Kibum, who was a silent introvert and Siwon would usually find him studying on his bed, papers scattered around, a pen tucked behind his ear. They would barely speak a few words a week to each other but Siwon didn't mind.
Then he had made friends. Kibum's friend Donghae, who would come to their room every Friday where Kibum would help with his English and his boyfriend, Hyukjae, or as everyone else liked to call him, Eunhyuk.
And then came his angel.
Hyukjae had invited Siwon along to a small get-together one night after they had finished their papers. "It'll just be a few people!" He remembered him saying. "And besides, you can finally meet Sungmin!"
So he had showed up that night at Hyukjae's dorm and had expected the blonde to answer the door when a dark-haired man with kind eyes and a baby face appeared and Siwon swore he saw stars.
"You must be Siwon," the man said, smile wide. "I'm Sungmin, Hyukjae's roommate."
And that was when it had all started.
The courting, the gifts, the surprise meetings. And after 4 months, he had finally gotten his angel to be his and life felt complete. That was, until he had met Kyuhyun.
He could always notice the way Sungmin would become quieter whenever the snarky maknae was around. And there was always a slight look of sadness whenever he saw his angel eyeing the other.
So he had asked Hyukjae and Hyukjae had told him about their past. About Sungmin and Kyuhyun's childhood, about their past relationship, about Kyuhyun's infidelity and their peaceful breakup.
He had never honestly wanted to lose control that night but when Heechul had asked that question and Sungmin's cheeks had begun to taint themselves red while Kyuhyun remained his playful self, he couldn't hold it in, especially after everything Hyukjae had told him.
And when he had his hands around his angel's throat that night, feeling the life pulsing under his palms, seeing the look of pain on his face, Siwon thought he had never seen anything more beautiful.
So he marked his angel, marked him all over so that everyone would know who he belonged to.
When his angel had awaken the next morning, he had done his best to place a look of regret on his face while silently pleased at the black and blue on his skin.
The next time he had done it was purely intentional. When he had seen the small, intimate scene between the two, the images of his father began to resurface, blood seeping out of his body and onto the wooden floorboards.
He had been rougher, he knew. But only to warn his angel not to fall into temptation, and to ward off the eyes that would prey on him. Kyuhyun.
He doesn't remember when it had soon become a habit to lay his marks on his angel, to bare his skin with red streaks. But he did so, every time he could get his hands on his angel, so pretty on his white skin that Siwon wanted to taint over and over again till' it wasn't possible to anymore.
His screams were like music to his ears.
So why was his angel lying on their bed now, eyes glassy and dull with an empty bottle of pills beside him?
Did his angel not love him anymore? Did he do something wrong?
And with that, he cried, harsh sobs filling the silence.
_______________________________
"You asshole! You did this to him!" Kyuhyun's shouts resonate clearly amongst the struggling as they fought to keep Kyuhyun from killing Siwon with his bare hands.
Siwon said nothing, eyes glued to the floor, tears silently running down his face.
"Let go of me, Hae! Let me kill him! He deserves it!"
"This isn't the right way to settle this, Kyuhyun! I'm sure Sungmin wouldn't have wanted this to happen!" Eunhyuk says harshly as he slowly felt Kyuhyun begin to wear down and slump to the floor, face in his hands.
Despite the sobs, they all hear him perfectly fine. "H-He didn't d-deserve any of this..."
Hyukjae bent down and hugged Kyuhyun, whispering softly, "I know, I know. But he would have wanted you to keep smiling no matter what."
I loved, no, LOVE his smile the most, Kyuhyun thought as the tears kept sliding down his cheeks as he remembered the piece of paper in his pocket, Sungmin's last words that had been for him.
"I l-Love you, Lee S-Sungmin." Hyukjae can hear Kyuhyun mumble and only hugs him tighter.
_______________________________
It's today, isn't it?
You probably might not know what I'm talking about but that's alright. You were always so forgetful about these things anyway.
You see, this was the exact day you, Cho Kyuhyun, asked me to be your boyfriend. And although it wasn't as romantic as I had always dreamed it would be, as I was in my pajamas while you made one of your surprise visits over since you couldn't "sleep", it felt perfect to me.
Sometimes I wish I could have held on longer to you, could have shoved the pain away aside in hopes you would have realised that I was always standing there, just waiting. But when you asked for the breakup, when you told me, in your own words, that being gay just wasn't your thing, I knew I had to let go and so I did. I agreed.
You had asked if we could stick to being friend and so I complied. It had been hard at first, having to watch you everyday, knowing that you were no longer mine. But soon, the pain got better and I met Siwon.
Siwon was a gentleman. Gracious, religious, neat and always ready to assist. In short, he was your exact opposite. I had no intention of going out with him at the start but when the gifts and attention came, it made me feel... Wanted again.
Was it wrong of me to have agreed when he asked me out? Sometimes I wish I hadn't because I hadn't known then.
The first night it had happened, I had dismissed it as a drunken mistake. You remember that night, don't you? The night where Heechul had asked me if I still dreamed of a life with you, of us being a family and I had avoided answering.
But to answer the question: Yes, I still do. I dream about it all the time.
I dream about it on the nights when Hyukjae's snoring isn't loud enough to drown out the silence. I dream about it when the days feel longer than usual. I dream about it when just longing for you doesn't feel like enough.
Maybe that's why I stuck so long with Siwon, despite the pain, despite the bruises. I know you've seen them. I wasn't exactly asleep the one time Hyukjae had told you to wake me up. I just never told you because a part of me always felt like you would have asked if you had wanted to know, if you cared enough. But you never asked.
So here I am, writing a pathetic excuse of a last letter, my farewell to you. I wish I wasn't such a coward, that I could tell this to you face to face but I know you'd stop me then and I know I wouldn't be able to go through with this.
Tell Hyukjae that he was an awesome roommate, and that he should stop wearing shoelifts cause they make him look taller than Donghae and he's suppose to be the "girl" in their relationship. Tell Donghae and Kibum I love them too and they should never stop their crazy antics that always make my day!
And mostly, tell Siwon that I forgive him. Forgive him for the pain he's caused. Help him, please. Because as much as I held it in, he needs help and we both know it.
As a last request, please don't cry. Even at my funeral, don't shed a tear. I'll give you a day to let it all out but promise me you'll smile like you used to.
So this is it, it's goodbye. I'll miss everyone here but it's finally time to see mum and dad again.
I love you, Cho Kyuhyun, forever and always.
Lots of love,
Lee Sungmin