say goodbye to your good intentions
god it seems that everything i do is wrong. all the fucking time. first off i apparently am cold hearted and leave people out of plans when the truth is i have been trying like crazy to just feel accepted and like im not the huge burden that i feel like to the whole effing family. however my fears were realized the next day when i saw plainly that i AM the burden and i am the problem. and so i made my first attempt at correcting it all by breaking up with aaron. How can u tell sumone u love (yes love dont contradict me i know what it is and i live it thank you) that u cant be with them? simple. when u know that ur ruining their life and everyone elses' lives around them. *sigh* my problem is i can do it.. but it tears me apart when he says things will get better and hell fix it.
Dont get me wrong i wanna be with aaron like no other. i just cant see myself carrying all of this weighted guilt and responsibility around all the time. i wanna be in love and be happy like we are most of the time.. but its like everyone has sum problem that is my fault. i cant do this. i try really hard to be a good gf and i fuck up stuff with his family, and his life basically. i try reallyhard to be a good student and everyone gets pissed at me all the time cuz i cant sit in a fucking class room and do nothing all day. i try really hard to be nice and make friends with people when its reallyhard and i end up being the bitch. the only thing im good at is being the nag and the bitch and oh yeah, working. im a good worker. u know why? becuz work is the one place ive taught myself to just turn it all off. i cant break down at work, i dont care about anything when im there. its just laughing and being stupid with crystal and getting shit done when it needs to get done. everything gets checked at the door. id work all the time if i could.
i spent most of last night in a state of annoyed panic trying to just suppress everything back down. but the conbination of a screaming baby in the ER and little to no sleep at midnight made me snap. i just cried and cried and couldnt hold it back and so i cried myself to sleep in an unfamiliar place in an unfamiliar bed, alone in my tears. could i get more emo? i would be okay with just getting away for a while and taking a break from everything, going to like the bahamas. i would adore that idea.
is it really so horrible and weak to want to be noticed sumtime? is it really that bad that i want to be taken care of occationally. could sumone plz realize i cant be this grown up, uncaring, cold, takes-care-of-everyone but herself person. yeah i really do think its that bad.
i love aaron. i dont want to be away from him or break up or whatever. i just need.. sumthing. i need sumthing. i guess im gonna have to find it tho huh? no one else seems to look up wheni start screaming.
- me
Dont get me wrong i wanna be with aaron like no other. i just cant see myself carrying all of this weighted guilt and responsibility around all the time. i wanna be in love and be happy like we are most of the time.. but its like everyone has sum problem that is my fault. i cant do this. i try really hard to be a good gf and i fuck up stuff with his family, and his life basically. i try reallyhard to be a good student and everyone gets pissed at me all the time cuz i cant sit in a fucking class room and do nothing all day. i try really hard to be nice and make friends with people when its reallyhard and i end up being the bitch. the only thing im good at is being the nag and the bitch and oh yeah, working. im a good worker. u know why? becuz work is the one place ive taught myself to just turn it all off. i cant break down at work, i dont care about anything when im there. its just laughing and being stupid with crystal and getting shit done when it needs to get done. everything gets checked at the door. id work all the time if i could.
i spent most of last night in a state of annoyed panic trying to just suppress everything back down. but the conbination of a screaming baby in the ER and little to no sleep at midnight made me snap. i just cried and cried and couldnt hold it back and so i cried myself to sleep in an unfamiliar place in an unfamiliar bed, alone in my tears. could i get more emo? i would be okay with just getting away for a while and taking a break from everything, going to like the bahamas. i would adore that idea.
is it really so horrible and weak to want to be noticed sumtime? is it really that bad that i want to be taken care of occationally. could sumone plz realize i cant be this grown up, uncaring, cold, takes-care-of-everyone but herself person. yeah i really do think its that bad.
i love aaron. i dont want to be away from him or break up or whatever. i just need.. sumthing. i need sumthing. i guess im gonna have to find it tho huh? no one else seems to look up wheni start screaming.
- me