Fic: I Will Try to Fix You (1/1)
Title: I Will Try to Fix You
Pairing: None
Rating: R, for excessive use of the word fuck and sensitive topics (mentioned in warnings)
Summary: Everyone around him was messed up and he just wasn’t.
Warnings: abuse, self-harm, eating disorders
Notes: Title from Coldplay
On nights like this, Kendall hated that he was perfect. It wasn’t that he was self-absorbed and in love with himself. This tortured fact came from his distinct lack of trouble or problems in his life while he was surrounded by dysfunction. Everyone around him was so fucked up and he just wasn’t. His life was balanced, he had a loving home and a caring family to back him up. His friends didn’t have that; none of them had a stable home or family to care for them.
James’ parents were divorced. His dad left Minnesota shortly after to marry some woman fifteen years younger than him. The man never once offered to bring James with him or at least ask him if he was okay with him leaving. He just sort of left one day. Left James all alone with the devil woman he divorced. James’ mom was what you would call a “strong personality.” She was headstrong, fierce and always got what she wanted.
James’ mom had a bad habit of belittling her son. Whether or not she meant to do it, her words were like knives, the impact was only there for a second but the pain would last forever. The aftermath of her words left indents on the other boy, invisible scars that would never truly heal. After you tell someone their worthless for so long, they start believing it.
Kendall started to notice this at school one day when James received a compliment about his particular outfit and all he did was mutter a quiet “thank you” and return to picking at his food. To anyone else, it wouldn’t mean a thing but to Kendall it couldn’t mean any more. James should be smirking that ridiculously smug smirk of his and proclaiming that he “always looked this amazing.” And then he would return to chowing down on his burger, flipping his hair every now and then. James Diamond was not meek and quiet; those just weren’t two of his characteristics.
It wasn’t until the next time he went to James’ house that he started to understand what was really going on. The pretty boy had invited him over to play the new Bioshock game he just got and Kendall happily accepted this request. They were in the middle of the third level when James’ mom walked in.
“Ugh, turn that game off!” she demanded, waving dismissively at the TV. “It’ll make you even stupider than you are now.”
Kendall was so shocked by this statement that he didn’t even have time to stand up for the other boy before his mom was sauntering out of the room. He sat there, jaw nearly dropped to the floor. What was even more concerning was how little James looked surprised by it. There was a soft expression of hurt on his face, typically happy brown eyes filling with tears.
James pressed his lips together tightly, glancing away for a second to recompose himself. The pretty boy flashed a half-hearted smile before suggesting they go up to his room instead. Kendall followed wordlessly, wondering if this kind of thing was a daily occurrence for the other boy.
Later that night, they went back downstairs, heading towards the kitchen. After they retrieved some left-over pizza from that afternoon, they were about to head back up to James’ room when they crossed paths with James’ mom again.
“Don’t eat that!” she barked this time, “You don’t want to get any fatter, do you?”
Kendall didn’t miss how James threw away the slice of pizza without even taking a single bite.
Right before they went to bed, James disappeared to the bathroom. Normally it wouldn’t be that surprising to the blond boy that James needed to spend a long time in the bathroom, getting ready for bed. But everything that had happened that day had Kendall on edge; he was anxious and worried and when James didn’t return from the bathroom within the first half hour, these feelings only increased.
He crept out of James’ room and towards the bathroom across the hall. Despite the fact that he knew spying was wrong, it did it anyways, pressing his ear to the door, listening for any sign of distress. What he did hear made his heart stop, dead in its tracks. The distant sound of vomiting could be heard through the door, deep, violent heaves. Kendall’s initial reaction was that maybe James had a bad case of food poisoning. He shortly realized that James hadn’t eaten a single slice of that pizza. For once, Kendall didn’t know what to do.
He went to Carlos’ house the next day, hoping the Latino boy and him would be able to come together to help their other friend. Said boy answered the door, swinging it open while he held Stella, his little sister on his hip. The Latino boy looked absolutely exhausted, his face void of its usual fun, carefree nature. Just as he stepped into the house, two other little kids came running by, giggling and yelling excitedly.
“Gabriella and Marcus!” Carlos shouted, turning towards the other two kids. “Nada de correr en la casa!”
Gabriella and Marcus were both 5, identical twins who shared a lot more than looks. Kendall swore they were the exact same person sometimes. They were both extremely energetic, always running around and making messes. It was no surprise that they were Carlos’ siblings. Stella was only three and considerably more shy than the other two. She clung to Carlos the majority of the time, presumably feeling left out since Gabby and Marcus were always so close. The adorable little girl had a soft spot for Kendall, always lighting up whenever he came over.
“Kenny,” she would always murmur with the sweetest little smile.
“Can you hold her?” Carlos asked quickly before handing Kendall the shy three year old, who instantly held onto the blond boy. Kendall watched as Carlos chased after the other two, who insisted on running through the house screaming. It wasn’t until five minutes later that Carlos finally managed to catch them, carrying one in each arm, doing his best to hold the kicking five-year-olds.
“If you two stop running and screaming we can have dino-nuggets for dinner tonight!” the Latino bargained, the two kids instantly stopping their bad behavior. “Now, go wash up!”
“Parents both at work again?” Kendall asked as the kids munched away on their dinner.
Carlos nodded, biting into a dino-shaped chicken nugget. Kendall thought it was ridiculous that both of Carlos’ parents would work at the same time, leaving him all the responsibility of his three siblings. He knew money was tight for them sometimes but it just didn’t seem fair to Carlos to make him take care of his siblings.
By the time they were all done eating and Carlos had cleaned up, it was bath-time, a time the twins apparently weren’t particularly fond of. They apparently knew what the conclusion of dinner meant because they instantly went running off in either direction, screaming in Spanish.
“Se colillas de vuelta!” Carlos yelled back, sighing before chasing after them once again. Apparently the only way they would go to bath time was kicking and screaming, and that’s exactly what they did, kicking and screaming as Carlos dragged them to the bathroom. Kendall watched Stella while Carlos bathed the twins and by the time he was done with that, Stella was practically falling asleep. Newly clad in PJs, the twins came running out of their room. Kendall tried to stop them but they slipped right by him.
“Don’t worry about it,” Carlos called from his spot, kneeling before the bathtub. “Let them burn off some excess energy before bed.”
Half an hour later and the kids were finally all in bed, sleeping soundly. Kendall and Carlos plopped down on the couch, letting out identical exhausted sighs. Kendall wasn’t sure how Carlos could do this four days a week; it wasn’t fair that he had to.
On the coffee table in front of them, Kendall noticed an empty math sheet, homework from the previous day. “You know this was due today.”
“I didn’t have time to do it,” Carlos said, leaning forward, “I had to watch them last night too.”
And as Carlos reached forward to grab the sheet, his long sleeves riding up a little, a silent gasp formed on his lips at the multiple scars on Carlos’ wrists. It wasn’t like one accidental scar from some freak accident; there were dozens of them, deliberate, purposeful. Oblivious that Kendall had noticed, Carlos tugged his sleeves back down, covering up his secret misery.
Kendall was shocked that two of his friends were in such misery and he had absolutely no clue. How could he not have noticed? It was his job to protect the ones he loved. So later that week, he went to Logan’s because the smart boy always had the answers; he would know what to do. Knocking on the door, he was taken back when he heard a loud angry yelling from within the house. The door opened a few seconds later, revealing a very frightened looking Logan. Kendall was about to question it when the yelling sounded again.
“Who the fuck is at the door?”
“It’s just Kendall, dad,” Logan called back, voice meek and wavering.
“What the fuck does he want?”
“Nothing dad,” the smart boy sighed, desperate to dismiss the situation, knowing what it could and would escalate to. “Just go wait in my room,” he whispered to Kendall, who was about to argue and stand to defend his friend when he noticed the desperation on his friend’s face. Even from Logan’s room he could hear the argument perfectly.
“Don’t you fucking sass me boy!”
“I wasn’t-”
“Don’t lie either!” The volume of the older man’s voice was getting louder and louder with each statement, sounding even angrier each time he yelled. After a few seconds, the yelling died down and that’s when Kendall worried the most. When the whole house went died silent, Kendall was sure his heartbeat was audible, pounding away in his chest. It was the biggest relief when Logan returned to his room a few minutes later. The relief was short-lived however, replaced almost immediately by concern again when the smart boy winced softly as he sat down.
Logan fell asleep later that night while Kendall was still over. He knew it was wrong but he couldn’t help it. He had to know but at the same time, he didn’t want to. Crossing the room, he carefully approached Logan’s bed, pulling back the blanket slowly. Gripping the hem of the other boy’s shirt, he lifted it up slightly, a horrified gasp leaving his lips. Just as he feared, Logan’s side was covered in a nasty bruise, a swirl of blue and purple traveling up his side.
He stepped back, wondering why his friends were living through hell and he was oblivious, too busy living in paradise. That just didn’t seem right to him and he was determined to do anything in his power to correct that.
That’s why he was so hellbent on getting James to that audition. James was wicked talented and there was no way that this producer guy wouldn’t be able to see that. He would want to sign James to a label immediately and the pretty boy would get to live in LA and live out his dream, instead of living a nightmare every day. That would take care of James and then all he would have to do was find a way to get Logan and Carlos away from their personal hells.
But his plan doesn’t exactly go as smoothly as he would’ve hoped. After this turd of a producer insulted James and the pretty boy looked so devastated, like he wasn’t good enough, Kendall sort of lost control. Yelling one of his songs and practically assaulting him probably wasn’t the best thing to do. Calling him a giant turd didn’t seem to help either.
So when this producer showed up at his door, wanting to take him to LA, he couldn’t help the massive shock settling in his gut. That was not the plan and he was not going to leave his friends behind. Especially considering how broken they were. He was determined to fix them.
But when all three of them agreed that he was stupid not to take this chance and that they would all do the same, a new plan solidified. So he called this producer back and insisted they all go to LA as a group.
Kendall thought that once they got to LA, that everything would immediately be okay again. With James’ mom and Logan’s dad still back in Minnesota and same with Carlos’ overwhelming responsibility, he thought everyone would be okay now.
But that night, a deep ache settled in his gut when he heard James in the bathroom, forcing himself to puke. Or that next morning when he saw new scars all along Carlos’ thighs while he was getting dressed. Or every night when Logan’s nightmare-induced screaming would wake him up.
On nights like this, Kendall thought that if he couldn’t fix his friends, maybe he wasn’t so perfect after all.
Pairing: None
Rating: R, for excessive use of the word fuck and sensitive topics (mentioned in warnings)
Summary: Everyone around him was messed up and he just wasn’t.
Warnings: abuse, self-harm, eating disorders
Notes: Title from Coldplay
On nights like this, Kendall hated that he was perfect. It wasn’t that he was self-absorbed and in love with himself. This tortured fact came from his distinct lack of trouble or problems in his life while he was surrounded by dysfunction. Everyone around him was so fucked up and he just wasn’t. His life was balanced, he had a loving home and a caring family to back him up. His friends didn’t have that; none of them had a stable home or family to care for them.
James’ parents were divorced. His dad left Minnesota shortly after to marry some woman fifteen years younger than him. The man never once offered to bring James with him or at least ask him if he was okay with him leaving. He just sort of left one day. Left James all alone with the devil woman he divorced. James’ mom was what you would call a “strong personality.” She was headstrong, fierce and always got what she wanted.
James’ mom had a bad habit of belittling her son. Whether or not she meant to do it, her words were like knives, the impact was only there for a second but the pain would last forever. The aftermath of her words left indents on the other boy, invisible scars that would never truly heal. After you tell someone their worthless for so long, they start believing it.
Kendall started to notice this at school one day when James received a compliment about his particular outfit and all he did was mutter a quiet “thank you” and return to picking at his food. To anyone else, it wouldn’t mean a thing but to Kendall it couldn’t mean any more. James should be smirking that ridiculously smug smirk of his and proclaiming that he “always looked this amazing.” And then he would return to chowing down on his burger, flipping his hair every now and then. James Diamond was not meek and quiet; those just weren’t two of his characteristics.
It wasn’t until the next time he went to James’ house that he started to understand what was really going on. The pretty boy had invited him over to play the new Bioshock game he just got and Kendall happily accepted this request. They were in the middle of the third level when James’ mom walked in.
“Ugh, turn that game off!” she demanded, waving dismissively at the TV. “It’ll make you even stupider than you are now.”
Kendall was so shocked by this statement that he didn’t even have time to stand up for the other boy before his mom was sauntering out of the room. He sat there, jaw nearly dropped to the floor. What was even more concerning was how little James looked surprised by it. There was a soft expression of hurt on his face, typically happy brown eyes filling with tears.
James pressed his lips together tightly, glancing away for a second to recompose himself. The pretty boy flashed a half-hearted smile before suggesting they go up to his room instead. Kendall followed wordlessly, wondering if this kind of thing was a daily occurrence for the other boy.
Later that night, they went back downstairs, heading towards the kitchen. After they retrieved some left-over pizza from that afternoon, they were about to head back up to James’ room when they crossed paths with James’ mom again.
“Don’t eat that!” she barked this time, “You don’t want to get any fatter, do you?”
Kendall didn’t miss how James threw away the slice of pizza without even taking a single bite.
Right before they went to bed, James disappeared to the bathroom. Normally it wouldn’t be that surprising to the blond boy that James needed to spend a long time in the bathroom, getting ready for bed. But everything that had happened that day had Kendall on edge; he was anxious and worried and when James didn’t return from the bathroom within the first half hour, these feelings only increased.
He crept out of James’ room and towards the bathroom across the hall. Despite the fact that he knew spying was wrong, it did it anyways, pressing his ear to the door, listening for any sign of distress. What he did hear made his heart stop, dead in its tracks. The distant sound of vomiting could be heard through the door, deep, violent heaves. Kendall’s initial reaction was that maybe James had a bad case of food poisoning. He shortly realized that James hadn’t eaten a single slice of that pizza. For once, Kendall didn’t know what to do.
He went to Carlos’ house the next day, hoping the Latino boy and him would be able to come together to help their other friend. Said boy answered the door, swinging it open while he held Stella, his little sister on his hip. The Latino boy looked absolutely exhausted, his face void of its usual fun, carefree nature. Just as he stepped into the house, two other little kids came running by, giggling and yelling excitedly.
“Gabriella and Marcus!” Carlos shouted, turning towards the other two kids. “Nada de correr en la casa!”
Gabriella and Marcus were both 5, identical twins who shared a lot more than looks. Kendall swore they were the exact same person sometimes. They were both extremely energetic, always running around and making messes. It was no surprise that they were Carlos’ siblings. Stella was only three and considerably more shy than the other two. She clung to Carlos the majority of the time, presumably feeling left out since Gabby and Marcus were always so close. The adorable little girl had a soft spot for Kendall, always lighting up whenever he came over.
“Kenny,” she would always murmur with the sweetest little smile.
“Can you hold her?” Carlos asked quickly before handing Kendall the shy three year old, who instantly held onto the blond boy. Kendall watched as Carlos chased after the other two, who insisted on running through the house screaming. It wasn’t until five minutes later that Carlos finally managed to catch them, carrying one in each arm, doing his best to hold the kicking five-year-olds.
“If you two stop running and screaming we can have dino-nuggets for dinner tonight!” the Latino bargained, the two kids instantly stopping their bad behavior. “Now, go wash up!”
“Parents both at work again?” Kendall asked as the kids munched away on their dinner.
Carlos nodded, biting into a dino-shaped chicken nugget. Kendall thought it was ridiculous that both of Carlos’ parents would work at the same time, leaving him all the responsibility of his three siblings. He knew money was tight for them sometimes but it just didn’t seem fair to Carlos to make him take care of his siblings.
By the time they were all done eating and Carlos had cleaned up, it was bath-time, a time the twins apparently weren’t particularly fond of. They apparently knew what the conclusion of dinner meant because they instantly went running off in either direction, screaming in Spanish.
“Se colillas de vuelta!” Carlos yelled back, sighing before chasing after them once again. Apparently the only way they would go to bath time was kicking and screaming, and that’s exactly what they did, kicking and screaming as Carlos dragged them to the bathroom. Kendall watched Stella while Carlos bathed the twins and by the time he was done with that, Stella was practically falling asleep. Newly clad in PJs, the twins came running out of their room. Kendall tried to stop them but they slipped right by him.
“Don’t worry about it,” Carlos called from his spot, kneeling before the bathtub. “Let them burn off some excess energy before bed.”
Half an hour later and the kids were finally all in bed, sleeping soundly. Kendall and Carlos plopped down on the couch, letting out identical exhausted sighs. Kendall wasn’t sure how Carlos could do this four days a week; it wasn’t fair that he had to.
On the coffee table in front of them, Kendall noticed an empty math sheet, homework from the previous day. “You know this was due today.”
“I didn’t have time to do it,” Carlos said, leaning forward, “I had to watch them last night too.”
And as Carlos reached forward to grab the sheet, his long sleeves riding up a little, a silent gasp formed on his lips at the multiple scars on Carlos’ wrists. It wasn’t like one accidental scar from some freak accident; there were dozens of them, deliberate, purposeful. Oblivious that Kendall had noticed, Carlos tugged his sleeves back down, covering up his secret misery.
Kendall was shocked that two of his friends were in such misery and he had absolutely no clue. How could he not have noticed? It was his job to protect the ones he loved. So later that week, he went to Logan’s because the smart boy always had the answers; he would know what to do. Knocking on the door, he was taken back when he heard a loud angry yelling from within the house. The door opened a few seconds later, revealing a very frightened looking Logan. Kendall was about to question it when the yelling sounded again.
“Who the fuck is at the door?”
“It’s just Kendall, dad,” Logan called back, voice meek and wavering.
“What the fuck does he want?”
“Nothing dad,” the smart boy sighed, desperate to dismiss the situation, knowing what it could and would escalate to. “Just go wait in my room,” he whispered to Kendall, who was about to argue and stand to defend his friend when he noticed the desperation on his friend’s face. Even from Logan’s room he could hear the argument perfectly.
“Don’t you fucking sass me boy!”
“I wasn’t-”
“Don’t lie either!” The volume of the older man’s voice was getting louder and louder with each statement, sounding even angrier each time he yelled. After a few seconds, the yelling died down and that’s when Kendall worried the most. When the whole house went died silent, Kendall was sure his heartbeat was audible, pounding away in his chest. It was the biggest relief when Logan returned to his room a few minutes later. The relief was short-lived however, replaced almost immediately by concern again when the smart boy winced softly as he sat down.
Logan fell asleep later that night while Kendall was still over. He knew it was wrong but he couldn’t help it. He had to know but at the same time, he didn’t want to. Crossing the room, he carefully approached Logan’s bed, pulling back the blanket slowly. Gripping the hem of the other boy’s shirt, he lifted it up slightly, a horrified gasp leaving his lips. Just as he feared, Logan’s side was covered in a nasty bruise, a swirl of blue and purple traveling up his side.
He stepped back, wondering why his friends were living through hell and he was oblivious, too busy living in paradise. That just didn’t seem right to him and he was determined to do anything in his power to correct that.
That’s why he was so hellbent on getting James to that audition. James was wicked talented and there was no way that this producer guy wouldn’t be able to see that. He would want to sign James to a label immediately and the pretty boy would get to live in LA and live out his dream, instead of living a nightmare every day. That would take care of James and then all he would have to do was find a way to get Logan and Carlos away from their personal hells.
But his plan doesn’t exactly go as smoothly as he would’ve hoped. After this turd of a producer insulted James and the pretty boy looked so devastated, like he wasn’t good enough, Kendall sort of lost control. Yelling one of his songs and practically assaulting him probably wasn’t the best thing to do. Calling him a giant turd didn’t seem to help either.
So when this producer showed up at his door, wanting to take him to LA, he couldn’t help the massive shock settling in his gut. That was not the plan and he was not going to leave his friends behind. Especially considering how broken they were. He was determined to fix them.
But when all three of them agreed that he was stupid not to take this chance and that they would all do the same, a new plan solidified. So he called this producer back and insisted they all go to LA as a group.
Kendall thought that once they got to LA, that everything would immediately be okay again. With James’ mom and Logan’s dad still back in Minnesota and same with Carlos’ overwhelming responsibility, he thought everyone would be okay now.
But that night, a deep ache settled in his gut when he heard James in the bathroom, forcing himself to puke. Or that next morning when he saw new scars all along Carlos’ thighs while he was getting dressed. Or every night when Logan’s nightmare-induced screaming would wake him up.
On nights like this, Kendall thought that if he couldn’t fix his friends, maybe he wasn’t so perfect after all.