The circle of pain ends here
I've been through a lot of shit in the last decade.
Thousands of miles and years after the worst of them, I think that while the earliest of these things seemed complicated at the time, they were quite simple because I hadn't gone through as much trauma yet. As time went on, I used my history of pain as a shield and a weapon on the occasions I felt hurt again ("you don't know what you're talking about because I've been through XYZ!"). Most of the time, though, I tried to use it to empathise with others who'd been through equivalent experiences. No matter what happened, this combination always ended badly.
What I've come to realise (partly thanks to being in a different culture) is this:
I can either take the so-called "victim mentality" and use my pain as an emotional weapon or I can choose to use the memories I have to understand others who are still caught in the former mode. I cannot do both.
The occasional slip-up is okay, but any more than that and I'm back in the "transitory" stage where my flip-flopping will confuse and damage others. And, ultimately, just bring me more pain.
A fair few people have been hurt in my figuring this out. I can't feel too guilty about that, though... because part of this is realising that just as I had this responsibility to break the circle, so do they now. As we all do.
Comments screened, and only passed through if you ask me to.
Privacy note: friends-locked only to protect against the general public. Feel free to show to people who might benefit.
Thousands of miles and years after the worst of them, I think that while the earliest of these things seemed complicated at the time, they were quite simple because I hadn't gone through as much trauma yet. As time went on, I used my history of pain as a shield and a weapon on the occasions I felt hurt again ("you don't know what you're talking about because I've been through XYZ!"). Most of the time, though, I tried to use it to empathise with others who'd been through equivalent experiences. No matter what happened, this combination always ended badly.
What I've come to realise (partly thanks to being in a different culture) is this:
I can either take the so-called "victim mentality" and use my pain as an emotional weapon or I can choose to use the memories I have to understand others who are still caught in the former mode. I cannot do both.
The occasional slip-up is okay, but any more than that and I'm back in the "transitory" stage where my flip-flopping will confuse and damage others. And, ultimately, just bring me more pain.
A fair few people have been hurt in my figuring this out. I can't feel too guilty about that, though... because part of this is realising that just as I had this responsibility to break the circle, so do they now. As we all do.
Comments screened, and only passed through if you ask me to.
Privacy note: friends-locked only to protect against the general public. Feel free to show to people who might benefit.