(no subject)
my mind is overwhelmed to the point that i cant really think anymore.
this weekend was fun. but kind of depressing, looking back on it.
im realizing more and more how i treat people, more so how i treat my "friends". I am a huge jerk. I sit around and wait for people to come to me. I open up a little when people ask me things, and its nice, but it never gets anywhere, and its my fault. i dont really know what 'open up' means anymore. i use it all the time, but what the heck does it mean. i dont know what it means and i have no idea how to do it. i was talking about it last night with my mom, and it took an arguement just to get to the point of talking about wanting to open up. the whole time, im telling her how i hate that she doesnt sincerely ask me whats going on in my life or whats wrong, and that she just brings it up when shes mad at me and how she needs to take all my little steps to opening emily up (i didnt say it like that because i didnt think i was being a complete idiot at the time) and that I want people to pursue me so i know they really care and im not just annoying people, when thats what she's been doing my whole freaking life. but i just dont want to open up to her cause i live with her, and i want someone new and exciting. i already know she cares about me, and tahts just not enough for my pride, i need more.
i looked back, feeling left out because everyone else is having intimate discussions with each other, and im just floating around surface level with everyone. since when am i so important. the only reason i want that is because i want to be closer to people so i feel better about myself, and so i can feel loved and i can feel safe. forget me actually caring about someone, about people that i say i love and that i call friends, and that constantly pursue me even though i give nothing back.
its really really really freaking hard for me to stop thinking about myself and help other people, and i hate it and its at the expense of relationships with people that i care about.
it might seem like i just dont want to open up and that i just think every one is neat or something dumb, but i really really really cant even begin to express how grateful i am for alot of the people i was with this weekend.
this weekend was fun. but kind of depressing, looking back on it.
im realizing more and more how i treat people, more so how i treat my "friends". I am a huge jerk. I sit around and wait for people to come to me. I open up a little when people ask me things, and its nice, but it never gets anywhere, and its my fault. i dont really know what 'open up' means anymore. i use it all the time, but what the heck does it mean. i dont know what it means and i have no idea how to do it. i was talking about it last night with my mom, and it took an arguement just to get to the point of talking about wanting to open up. the whole time, im telling her how i hate that she doesnt sincerely ask me whats going on in my life or whats wrong, and that she just brings it up when shes mad at me and how she needs to take all my little steps to opening emily up (i didnt say it like that because i didnt think i was being a complete idiot at the time) and that I want people to pursue me so i know they really care and im not just annoying people, when thats what she's been doing my whole freaking life. but i just dont want to open up to her cause i live with her, and i want someone new and exciting. i already know she cares about me, and tahts just not enough for my pride, i need more.
i looked back, feeling left out because everyone else is having intimate discussions with each other, and im just floating around surface level with everyone. since when am i so important. the only reason i want that is because i want to be closer to people so i feel better about myself, and so i can feel loved and i can feel safe. forget me actually caring about someone, about people that i say i love and that i call friends, and that constantly pursue me even though i give nothing back.
its really really really freaking hard for me to stop thinking about myself and help other people, and i hate it and its at the expense of relationships with people that i care about.
it might seem like i just dont want to open up and that i just think every one is neat or something dumb, but i really really really cant even begin to express how grateful i am for alot of the people i was with this weekend.