Nice Day for a White Wedding
Upon talking to a good friend of mine with tragic taste, we started again the new debate: whose mascot is more bad-ass? This battle just can’t be won, because you are either a shitty animal or a defeated dead warrior. I mean animals are doomed against the human, because humans always prevail, do I have to remind you of Jaws 2? But then humans blow as well because they are always overly dead, overly played out warriors who are defeated, which seems counterproductive to team moral. Then I had an epiphany. Jesus would be my mascot. I mean with God as a mascot, who could defeat you? No man or animal could conquer the man who is Alpha and Omega, Theta Chi, Sigma Pi and so on. And if you are thinking this would cause for some boring campus parties, fear not my friends. Mascots don’t reflect campus life; do the wolverines cause coeds to drag deer by their neck home to their dorms after a bender? Do the Spartans cause students to stand upright with their giant spear? And I am quite sure Oregon State kids aren’t living in scrap wood huts in the middle of rivers. Fear not friends, God would not infringe on priceless keg stand times, but rather just cause for more interesting sideline battles.
All righty. Now what you kids have all been waiting for…This weekend was the blessed union of my cousin and her boyfriend. I think one word could sum up my experience…elope. Let’s start off on the right foot here, it was amazing, she had plans and decorations I could never imagine, which is why I think with my lack of centerpiece creativity (I was demoted to placing grapes on the table after fucking up some other things, and I might add every grape looked splendid) I fully intend to let an Elvis impersonator take care of it for me. So, I spent most of my weekend planning my wedding…when I am 35, or at least my second wedding. Really, it was stressful. I think medication adjustments are a requirement for the next weddings. All right so it took me a day to sort out all the shit I witnessed but here’s the basic play-by-play:
Wednesday: Still home. I was supposed to be packing but had the flu instead which being like a little “typhoid Mary” I passed through my family before I left. I slept three whole hours since I spent way too much time procrastinating over a urinary sediment writing assignment (messy) and at four my cat got trapped behind my bed not once but a million and a half times until she was hungry at 6.
Thursday: Went to work, and for the first time in 3 years I went home early, still feeling the effects of the flu and having to get ready for the Bachelorette party. That was definitely interesting. Some of the girls there were absolutely like friends I have always had. As a joke, I guess, someone put porn in and the reaction of most of the girls was just laughing, but this one girl got absolutely disgusted at the site of a bride touching herself. She reminded me of back in grade school when asked if I liked someone and I denied it so vehemently everyone knew the truth. Thanks, due to your bad acting I know what you do when the lights are out. What is it 90% do it, 10 just deny it?
Friday: My mom drove up to meet us and help with set up. This to me was very intense. Let me explain something about my family, they are loud, this shouldn’t come as a shock to you except the fact that I am one of the quiet ones, yes me. A lot of times I just stand around thinking must absorb this…who are these people? Did they eat paint chips? Sometimes I just sit back and observe all the people not used to my family, reacting to my family. As said previously, I put berries on the tables, failed to tie ribbons to glassware, and mismatch sign colors. Another thing I am not good at…add it to the list.
Saturday: The big day…at least for some people. I was so excited to have woken up early to catch probably at least my single favorite thing of the day. Upon flipping through my sister’s cable, completely lost…I hate how every town has different channel numbers they should organize that shit, anyway, I stopped briefly on a dog show. Right as I watch the judge walks over to a dog, to do whatever it is they do, right through a slimy pile of poo. So, this lady who looks right out of British Royalty (Princess Di haircut and all) waddles over to the edge of stage and begins scraping the shit off her designer leather pumps. Meanwhile, the announcers begin commenting, seriously mind you, on her technique. I do not exaggerate, they said, “She is such a graceful scraper.” Fast Forward to my reading at the wedding. I don’t think I have ever been this nervous in my life for a public speaking event. I for the first time was afraid I might throw up before hand. It’s not that I haven’t had to speak in public a million and a half times before, it’s just this was a very special day for someone and I have never had that on my shoulders. But all in all, I didn’t say Holy Spigot so it worked. Then yada yada my sister and I got drunk at the reception and she tried desperately to find me a boyfriend that I desperately don’t need.
Finally, I just need to vent about these things that have been irking me lately:
Christian Artists who go secular-Ridin’ the God wave into Hollywood…not cool.
People complaining about the weather-I am convinced you will never be happy.
Those of you who go on benders, throw up in beer bottles, and try to return them. Just eat the ten cents; you people make me sick…literally.
I think that’s about it. Love, Peace, and Otter Pops.
All righty. Now what you kids have all been waiting for…This weekend was the blessed union of my cousin and her boyfriend. I think one word could sum up my experience…elope. Let’s start off on the right foot here, it was amazing, she had plans and decorations I could never imagine, which is why I think with my lack of centerpiece creativity (I was demoted to placing grapes on the table after fucking up some other things, and I might add every grape looked splendid) I fully intend to let an Elvis impersonator take care of it for me. So, I spent most of my weekend planning my wedding…when I am 35, or at least my second wedding. Really, it was stressful. I think medication adjustments are a requirement for the next weddings. All right so it took me a day to sort out all the shit I witnessed but here’s the basic play-by-play:
Wednesday: Still home. I was supposed to be packing but had the flu instead which being like a little “typhoid Mary” I passed through my family before I left. I slept three whole hours since I spent way too much time procrastinating over a urinary sediment writing assignment (messy) and at four my cat got trapped behind my bed not once but a million and a half times until she was hungry at 6.
Thursday: Went to work, and for the first time in 3 years I went home early, still feeling the effects of the flu and having to get ready for the Bachelorette party. That was definitely interesting. Some of the girls there were absolutely like friends I have always had. As a joke, I guess, someone put porn in and the reaction of most of the girls was just laughing, but this one girl got absolutely disgusted at the site of a bride touching herself. She reminded me of back in grade school when asked if I liked someone and I denied it so vehemently everyone knew the truth. Thanks, due to your bad acting I know what you do when the lights are out. What is it 90% do it, 10 just deny it?
Friday: My mom drove up to meet us and help with set up. This to me was very intense. Let me explain something about my family, they are loud, this shouldn’t come as a shock to you except the fact that I am one of the quiet ones, yes me. A lot of times I just stand around thinking must absorb this…who are these people? Did they eat paint chips? Sometimes I just sit back and observe all the people not used to my family, reacting to my family. As said previously, I put berries on the tables, failed to tie ribbons to glassware, and mismatch sign colors. Another thing I am not good at…add it to the list.
Saturday: The big day…at least for some people. I was so excited to have woken up early to catch probably at least my single favorite thing of the day. Upon flipping through my sister’s cable, completely lost…I hate how every town has different channel numbers they should organize that shit, anyway, I stopped briefly on a dog show. Right as I watch the judge walks over to a dog, to do whatever it is they do, right through a slimy pile of poo. So, this lady who looks right out of British Royalty (Princess Di haircut and all) waddles over to the edge of stage and begins scraping the shit off her designer leather pumps. Meanwhile, the announcers begin commenting, seriously mind you, on her technique. I do not exaggerate, they said, “She is such a graceful scraper.” Fast Forward to my reading at the wedding. I don’t think I have ever been this nervous in my life for a public speaking event. I for the first time was afraid I might throw up before hand. It’s not that I haven’t had to speak in public a million and a half times before, it’s just this was a very special day for someone and I have never had that on my shoulders. But all in all, I didn’t say Holy Spigot so it worked. Then yada yada my sister and I got drunk at the reception and she tried desperately to find me a boyfriend that I desperately don’t need.
Finally, I just need to vent about these things that have been irking me lately:
Christian Artists who go secular-Ridin’ the God wave into Hollywood…not cool.
People complaining about the weather-I am convinced you will never be happy.
Those of you who go on benders, throw up in beer bottles, and try to return them. Just eat the ten cents; you people make me sick…literally.
I think that’s about it. Love, Peace, and Otter Pops.