1-800-BOOST4U
Howdy my fellow Sex Phone Addicts,
Yes, what you have heard is true...I called porn from work last week. I have a problem, the wrong prescription on my glasses. I was trying to get a hold of customer service for a Boost phone card for a lady who I swear I saw on COPS last week, when a simple 1-888 turned into 1-800. Yes, that number up top will direct you straight to a very horny lady who just wants to chat...
My one night of popularity has come and gone. Last Saturday night was hopping in the hometown. I got invited to three parties but alas was too drunk at the first one to make it anywhere but the hot tub. My buddy and roomie-spooner, James, came home for a while and we all threw a bash. It's funny, really, I look at the people from my high school years I keep in touch with, and I am not really sure how I feel about it. Example, Link looks like Garcia on Reno 911, or a child molester. He got drunk and explained to us his "ingenious" idea of turning the word "mulch" into a drunken term for puking. To be brutally honest, as I always am with Link, I think this is idiotic. You dont receive cool points for changing the definition of a word and not just plain creating a new one, except of course if it has to do with having epiphanies on your bathroom floor...
As said, it was a great mixture of the old, good, and bad. New kids, old kids, just a bunch of hicks hanging out...and that's the way I like it. My favorite line of the night does have to go to Link with this brilliant statement...well first, I guess I should explain a bit. So, here we are standing around a bonfire with alcohol and the Kinks blaring in the background, what else are a bunch of redneck kids to do but start throwing shit into the fire. As Link walks around the fire, ten kids jump out of their Wal-Mart lawn chairs and yell "Dude, you're on fire!" to which Link calmly remarks, " I am okay it's just the cuffs of my Carharts." The rest of the evening became a blur of nipple rings and Sara making out with the boys....needless to say it wasnt a complete bust, after all, I do have 3 unidentifiable cuts on my hands.
When I was in young I had this friend Nicole, and she like your average adolescent lucky girl had hamsters. I dont remember the context of something, but being the jackass kid I was we got into a fight. It was probably over something like whose troll was cooler, in which case my green one is definitely the coolest, but alas, being a prick I got pissed and wished her hamsters to death. The next day, I got an angry call...sometime in the middle of the night there was a mutiny in the hamster cage and one hamster killed all of his wheel buddies. I felt like a tool and repressed the memory until today....Last night at work, Helen, my nemesis co-worker, was feeling under the weather...chalking this up to drama I ignored her complaints of tingling in her left arm. Today, as I drove to work...wait on an ADHD intermission...I was stopped outside my old elementary school at a stop sign and was trying to find a song on my cd when I notice this old lady with pink hair look both ways, grab the three year olds hand next to her and continue to walk almost into the side of my car...Yeah, for starters, the crosswalk was in front of my car...not under it, and second she stopped an inch before my car like I came out of no where....maybe you should really let junior there watch for cars next time, lady...anyway back to the previous broadcast...ah yes...so I pull into work today to find that Helen has been taken to the hospital...apparently it was a heart attack, or so we are told....this could also be a bad case of unsettling bean dip. Anyway, should she really be as ill as it seems, I feel terrible, because in the last battle we had, I wished something’s under my breath I shouldnt have, and I am hoping my X-men power of making wishes come true hasnt struck again...but if it has I also wish for Ewan McGregor in my bed...right about....now....fuck. I will keep you posted on her medical updates, if it's anything like the last trauma she had we will hear from her when she wakes again in seven years. All right I am an asshole, we got along great last night, and I hope she lives because I swear to God if her old asshole out lives her it's just further proof that the devil has taken over the Earth...or at least New Jersey.
Coming soon...Wedding updates!
Weapon of choice...the beretta...
Yes, what you have heard is true...I called porn from work last week. I have a problem, the wrong prescription on my glasses. I was trying to get a hold of customer service for a Boost phone card for a lady who I swear I saw on COPS last week, when a simple 1-888 turned into 1-800. Yes, that number up top will direct you straight to a very horny lady who just wants to chat...
My one night of popularity has come and gone. Last Saturday night was hopping in the hometown. I got invited to three parties but alas was too drunk at the first one to make it anywhere but the hot tub. My buddy and roomie-spooner, James, came home for a while and we all threw a bash. It's funny, really, I look at the people from my high school years I keep in touch with, and I am not really sure how I feel about it. Example, Link looks like Garcia on Reno 911, or a child molester. He got drunk and explained to us his "ingenious" idea of turning the word "mulch" into a drunken term for puking. To be brutally honest, as I always am with Link, I think this is idiotic. You dont receive cool points for changing the definition of a word and not just plain creating a new one, except of course if it has to do with having epiphanies on your bathroom floor...
As said, it was a great mixture of the old, good, and bad. New kids, old kids, just a bunch of hicks hanging out...and that's the way I like it. My favorite line of the night does have to go to Link with this brilliant statement...well first, I guess I should explain a bit. So, here we are standing around a bonfire with alcohol and the Kinks blaring in the background, what else are a bunch of redneck kids to do but start throwing shit into the fire. As Link walks around the fire, ten kids jump out of their Wal-Mart lawn chairs and yell "Dude, you're on fire!" to which Link calmly remarks, " I am okay it's just the cuffs of my Carharts." The rest of the evening became a blur of nipple rings and Sara making out with the boys....needless to say it wasnt a complete bust, after all, I do have 3 unidentifiable cuts on my hands.
When I was in young I had this friend Nicole, and she like your average adolescent lucky girl had hamsters. I dont remember the context of something, but being the jackass kid I was we got into a fight. It was probably over something like whose troll was cooler, in which case my green one is definitely the coolest, but alas, being a prick I got pissed and wished her hamsters to death. The next day, I got an angry call...sometime in the middle of the night there was a mutiny in the hamster cage and one hamster killed all of his wheel buddies. I felt like a tool and repressed the memory until today....Last night at work, Helen, my nemesis co-worker, was feeling under the weather...chalking this up to drama I ignored her complaints of tingling in her left arm. Today, as I drove to work...wait on an ADHD intermission...I was stopped outside my old elementary school at a stop sign and was trying to find a song on my cd when I notice this old lady with pink hair look both ways, grab the three year olds hand next to her and continue to walk almost into the side of my car...Yeah, for starters, the crosswalk was in front of my car...not under it, and second she stopped an inch before my car like I came out of no where....maybe you should really let junior there watch for cars next time, lady...anyway back to the previous broadcast...ah yes...so I pull into work today to find that Helen has been taken to the hospital...apparently it was a heart attack, or so we are told....this could also be a bad case of unsettling bean dip. Anyway, should she really be as ill as it seems, I feel terrible, because in the last battle we had, I wished something’s under my breath I shouldnt have, and I am hoping my X-men power of making wishes come true hasnt struck again...but if it has I also wish for Ewan McGregor in my bed...right about....now....fuck. I will keep you posted on her medical updates, if it's anything like the last trauma she had we will hear from her when she wakes again in seven years. All right I am an asshole, we got along great last night, and I hope she lives because I swear to God if her old asshole out lives her it's just further proof that the devil has taken over the Earth...or at least New Jersey.
Coming soon...Wedding updates!
Weapon of choice...the beretta...