the daily grind - notes for my own benefit
The work week was a little strange for me. It was all right, even though I got flustered a few times and made fixable mistakes, and even had what I later believe was an anxiety attack.
See, at work, I guess I'm still suffering from some performance anxiety. I believe I've improved from the week before in regard to my social interactions, especially on the phone, and I'm getting more and more used to the various responsibilities. That part is hard for me because I just don't change gears that quickly from one activity to another and another and then back again. I'm afraid it makes me look slow and stupid, but it's really a mode of operating. All I can do is hope that practice will make it easier for me. Somewhat related to that, I'm also actively trying to be less obsessed with details. When something needs to go out to someone else for review, just let it go, because it's going to come back to you anyway after the reviewer has done his/her thing. Also must learn to be less defensive and keep mouth shut even when other person has completely misinterpreted something you said/did.
Yesterday it felt like there was something constricting my rib cage for several hours and I simply could not concentrate on the proposal I'm working on. It's the first proposal I'm handling solo. It's actually mostly done since it's a re-submit, but apparently I was freaking out enough to give myself an anxiety attack. Performance anxiety, I'm sure of it. Yeah, it's a relatively simple and straightforward proposal, but I worry that if I manage to screw up this "easy" one, I'd get sacked for sure.
I felt so bad that I decided to take my lunch outside the office, hoping it would give me a chance to calm down. I bought a meal at Burger King, drove back to the workplace, and ate lunch in the parking lot. The weather was mild enough that I didn't roast in my car; the window was rolled down and a cool breeze wafted in. I read an issue of What is Enlightenment? magazine that I'd bought the day before while browsing at a Books-A-Million. I thanked the Universe for letting up on the rain so I could eat my lunch in peace. When I returned to my office, the vise around my chest was still there, but it wasn't as bad as before.
Yet when I get home, I can tell myself that what will be, will be. If I'm not meant for this line of work, I will know within the next couple of months. It won't be for lack of trying, because I am trying. If I could be this accepting while I'm actually at work, the performance anxiety wouldn't be such a bitch.
Maybe I'm falling back on old learned habits, and my mind/body is associating work on this proposal with my dead thesis. Toward the end of my run in grad school, I was getting that brain-scattered, constricted-around-the-chest feeling every time I sat down in front of the computer to work on the thesis. Well, the two are definitely not the same and I need to get that through my head.