(no subject)
Hi.
I haven't updated in ages, I know. Most of you have probably deleted me by now lol.
Anyway, I'm doing OK at the moment. I'm still seeing a dietitian, a counsellor and my psychiatrist, and my psychotherapy should start after Xmas. The only thing I worry about is that by then I should be at a normalish weight, and I feel as though I won't deserve the therapy because I'm physically recovered. Does that make sense?
I'm at 46.2kilos, much more than my lowest which was about 39.5kgs. I can see myself as how I really look now, most of the time. I think.... sometimes I think I look thin and sometimes I think I look big. But I think that's normal though. I want so much to get to a weight where I look ok and feel ok and maintain it, but I just think it'll be so hard. Maintaining will be worse than gaining because at least now I have to go up on the scales or my meal plan gets increased. When I'm maintaining I might go up one week or something and get all stressed out and panic again.
I know one thing though, which is I never want to starve again. I'm actually happy with life at the minute, compared to how I was before. I was depressed and miserable, I stayed away from my friends, and I was a bit of a loner. But now, I just feel so much better, I have more friends, I'm enjoying work, and life. I still don't go out to places but that'll come. I can feel myself getting ready for that and being able to cope. I'm going to my work's xmas party in december, a big step for me but I think I'll be OK.
But yeah, I feel great with everything at the minute, besides the anxieties about weight. I don't know how I managed to cope then, when I was starving. I feel dizzy, tired and achy now, so how must I have felt then? My bones hurt now, I'm scared I may get osteoporosis which is a scary thought. My periods haven't come back yet either, they've been gone for over a year now. My hair's growing back though which I'm sooooo pleased about!!! It had started to fall out in clumps, but its coming back now. I'm not so pale and tired looking. I smile!!! Life is so much better at the minute.
Its just, you know, its hard to imagine being free of it. I mean, I feel great now, but its still there. The tempting voice telling me to go back where I was. Its hard, being in the dietitian's office and seeing the new girls come in and being jealous in such an awful way and then feeling ashamed of myself for wanting to be at their weight. I hate seeing thin girls still, wondering how they're like that naturally and wanting to be like that beyond anything else. It upsets me. Mum says I'm still very thin but I don't feel like it at the minute. I worry about what I'll look like at my target weight. I'm going to start digging my heels in at around 108 pounds, and saying no more please!!!
This has been a long post, lol. So see you soon, take care please!!!!!! I care about you all so much, you're all great people and never think otherwise!
Love Emma xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I haven't updated in ages, I know. Most of you have probably deleted me by now lol.
Anyway, I'm doing OK at the moment. I'm still seeing a dietitian, a counsellor and my psychiatrist, and my psychotherapy should start after Xmas. The only thing I worry about is that by then I should be at a normalish weight, and I feel as though I won't deserve the therapy because I'm physically recovered. Does that make sense?
I'm at 46.2kilos, much more than my lowest which was about 39.5kgs. I can see myself as how I really look now, most of the time. I think.... sometimes I think I look thin and sometimes I think I look big. But I think that's normal though. I want so much to get to a weight where I look ok and feel ok and maintain it, but I just think it'll be so hard. Maintaining will be worse than gaining because at least now I have to go up on the scales or my meal plan gets increased. When I'm maintaining I might go up one week or something and get all stressed out and panic again.
I know one thing though, which is I never want to starve again. I'm actually happy with life at the minute, compared to how I was before. I was depressed and miserable, I stayed away from my friends, and I was a bit of a loner. But now, I just feel so much better, I have more friends, I'm enjoying work, and life. I still don't go out to places but that'll come. I can feel myself getting ready for that and being able to cope. I'm going to my work's xmas party in december, a big step for me but I think I'll be OK.
But yeah, I feel great with everything at the minute, besides the anxieties about weight. I don't know how I managed to cope then, when I was starving. I feel dizzy, tired and achy now, so how must I have felt then? My bones hurt now, I'm scared I may get osteoporosis which is a scary thought. My periods haven't come back yet either, they've been gone for over a year now. My hair's growing back though which I'm sooooo pleased about!!! It had started to fall out in clumps, but its coming back now. I'm not so pale and tired looking. I smile!!! Life is so much better at the minute.
Its just, you know, its hard to imagine being free of it. I mean, I feel great now, but its still there. The tempting voice telling me to go back where I was. Its hard, being in the dietitian's office and seeing the new girls come in and being jealous in such an awful way and then feeling ashamed of myself for wanting to be at their weight. I hate seeing thin girls still, wondering how they're like that naturally and wanting to be like that beyond anything else. It upsets me. Mum says I'm still very thin but I don't feel like it at the minute. I worry about what I'll look like at my target weight. I'm going to start digging my heels in at around 108 pounds, and saying no more please!!!
This has been a long post, lol. So see you soon, take care please!!!!!! I care about you all so much, you're all great people and never think otherwise!
Love Emma xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx