Out of the comfort zone and into the fire
The pace is slowed, so I'm getting more of an idea of what's going on. Kinda. Sorta.
My head is clearer, but that's just giving me the opportunity to think "What the fnaff am I doing here?!? Am I going completely insane?". For someone who's used to accepting the possibility of almost everything, but believing the actuality of very little, it's a real stressor. UPG was peachy keen when it didn't have Consequences. Now the consequences are here, and they're real, and I have to figure out whether I can commit to them long-term, in full faith, or, if I can't verify them a little better, if I want to try and pretend it's all my imagination.
Somehow, however, I don't think that's going to be an option.
I went yesterday to do the first of my mandated weekly offerings - I have a couple of places where I "commune with the Gods", some specific to certain gods, some more fitting to the Aesir, others where I feel closer to the Vanir or Jotnar... This one seems to work well with Hela, but for the task at hand it seemed an okay place to offer to Freyja. It's on the riverbank, on a little lagoon type space - well, it was...
Due to rain, the river has risen 3m in as many days. So the little promontory where I usually sit was underwater. Actually, the entire bank was underwater. Trees, plants, everything up to the steps was covered in icy, rushing, fast-flowing H2O.
Did I mention it was raining?
So there's me, freezing my ass off (seems to be a theme at the moment), getting progressively damp, hoping to get some kind of message or contact beyond "Hello and welcome to the Otherworld Portal, River Division. Please throw your amber into the middle of the waterway, and leave a message after the beep." I got the feeling I had to sit anyway, to do my time with or without an answer. There were some glimmery connect-the-dots type moments, but no real epiphanies. So I headed home, feeling okay (if popsicles can feel okay) but wondering if I wasn't just chasing my tail in circles here.
I never really realised before how much I need feedback to feel safe. Without some kind of reassurance that I am, in fact, acting in a more or less rational manner and no, it's not at all odd that within the space of a week I'm suddenly dealing with Gods I've never dealt with before, on topics I always swore to avoid - well, I'm getting scared and paranoid that this is all just some cosmic joke and I'm the punchline. You never know with Loki. I mean, he's never done anything malicious to me before, he's said he wouldn't, and Sigyn has said he won't hurt me for her sake, but - I'm not completely reassured. It's a big Wyrd world out there, and we all have to play our roles in the end. In my experience, the instant you say "never", it happens.
So anyway, in the midst of all this subdued angst, I finally got some sense out of a tarot reading. I'm not hugely fond of tarot, but it's the only detailed divinatory device I have to hand that I'm relatively familiar with. The couple of other readings I've tried over the past few have been incoherent, but today I felt lucky and seized the Jagular. It made sense! Whee!
Of course, it mostly confirmed what I already suspected, but that was more a sense of fatalism than "Yay, I was right!". I often draw a final card at the end of the reading, to tie it all together and give a hint of "theme". It was the Wheel - I guess there's not a lot I can do, other than try to make intelligent choices. Given the reading was chocka with Trumps and facecards, and the Questioner card was the Hanged Man, I guess I should just try and ride it out.
I'm still going to look for an outside reading, though. ;p
My head is clearer, but that's just giving me the opportunity to think "What the fnaff am I doing here?!? Am I going completely insane?". For someone who's used to accepting the possibility of almost everything, but believing the actuality of very little, it's a real stressor. UPG was peachy keen when it didn't have Consequences. Now the consequences are here, and they're real, and I have to figure out whether I can commit to them long-term, in full faith, or, if I can't verify them a little better, if I want to try and pretend it's all my imagination.
Somehow, however, I don't think that's going to be an option.
I went yesterday to do the first of my mandated weekly offerings - I have a couple of places where I "commune with the Gods", some specific to certain gods, some more fitting to the Aesir, others where I feel closer to the Vanir or Jotnar... This one seems to work well with Hela, but for the task at hand it seemed an okay place to offer to Freyja. It's on the riverbank, on a little lagoon type space - well, it was...
Due to rain, the river has risen 3m in as many days. So the little promontory where I usually sit was underwater. Actually, the entire bank was underwater. Trees, plants, everything up to the steps was covered in icy, rushing, fast-flowing H2O.
Did I mention it was raining?
So there's me, freezing my ass off (seems to be a theme at the moment), getting progressively damp, hoping to get some kind of message or contact beyond "Hello and welcome to the Otherworld Portal, River Division. Please throw your amber into the middle of the waterway, and leave a message after the beep." I got the feeling I had to sit anyway, to do my time with or without an answer. There were some glimmery connect-the-dots type moments, but no real epiphanies. So I headed home, feeling okay (if popsicles can feel okay) but wondering if I wasn't just chasing my tail in circles here.
I never really realised before how much I need feedback to feel safe. Without some kind of reassurance that I am, in fact, acting in a more or less rational manner and no, it's not at all odd that within the space of a week I'm suddenly dealing with Gods I've never dealt with before, on topics I always swore to avoid - well, I'm getting scared and paranoid that this is all just some cosmic joke and I'm the punchline. You never know with Loki. I mean, he's never done anything malicious to me before, he's said he wouldn't, and Sigyn has said he won't hurt me for her sake, but - I'm not completely reassured. It's a big Wyrd world out there, and we all have to play our roles in the end. In my experience, the instant you say "never", it happens.
So anyway, in the midst of all this subdued angst, I finally got some sense out of a tarot reading. I'm not hugely fond of tarot, but it's the only detailed divinatory device I have to hand that I'm relatively familiar with. The couple of other readings I've tried over the past few have been incoherent, but today I felt lucky and seized the Jagular. It made sense! Whee!
Of course, it mostly confirmed what I already suspected, but that was more a sense of fatalism than "Yay, I was right!". I often draw a final card at the end of the reading, to tie it all together and give a hint of "theme". It was the Wheel - I guess there's not a lot I can do, other than try to make intelligent choices. Given the reading was chocka with Trumps and facecards, and the Questioner card was the Hanged Man, I guess I should just try and ride it out.
I'm still going to look for an outside reading, though. ;p