Jag ska aldrig ignorera dig igen / Jag ska aldrig n
I feel... anxious, hyper, chipper. I want to go to a summer festival or a party or to see some band live, I want to apologize for everyone for being me, for ignoring everyone, for being so antisocial, for never answering, for having being depressed for so bloody long unable to do anything about it. The result for all of this combined is me here, writing.
I can't believe how long it took for me to realise how big a difference happened in me after I moved to live with my grandma. Months without serious depression or anxiety. I even managed to study through several courses, tho everyone just laughs when I say they were language courses. And of course it's often unnerving to live so closely with someone who actually pays attention to me, when I'm used to living practically alone for weeks/months in a two-storey building and to the people who come and go rarely even noticing if I'm there or not.
I laughed several times that it felt like having a mother for the first time in, say, a decade? I honestly don't remember the last time I felt something like that at "home". And I'm so unused to it that it's just... disturbing to feel someone paying attention. Well, I'm not supposed to live here for so long anymore anyways and I haven't been much around lately 'cause of all the summer happenings and all. So I guess it's... okay.
Summer's fun and I'm surprisingly happy even though I'm running around all the time. Ironically, now that I'd have the time and the want to hang around, everyone else is mostly working... sometimes it makes me feel a bit lonely. Even tho I've being seeing everyone prolly even more than during spring. Hmm~
I tried to patch some of my unavoidable ignorance and indifference by reading all of arkangeli's postings since last autumn. I read about all the happenings that were and people that came and all those I at the time shrugged off without much thought, and now I feel like "Oh man, why didn't I go?" Well... I'm just that antisocial I suppose. Must be a pain trying to be my friend. Sorry for all the times I let you down...
Men Jag
I can't believe how long it took for me to realise how big a difference happened in me after I moved to live with my grandma. Months without serious depression or anxiety. I even managed to study through several courses, tho everyone just laughs when I say they were language courses. And of course it's often unnerving to live so closely with someone who actually pays attention to me, when I'm used to living practically alone for weeks/months in a two-storey building and to the people who come and go rarely even noticing if I'm there or not.
I laughed several times that it felt like having a mother for the first time in, say, a decade? I honestly don't remember the last time I felt something like that at "home". And I'm so unused to it that it's just... disturbing to feel someone paying attention. Well, I'm not supposed to live here for so long anymore anyways and I haven't been much around lately 'cause of all the summer happenings and all. So I guess it's... okay.
Summer's fun and I'm surprisingly happy even though I'm running around all the time. Ironically, now that I'd have the time and the want to hang around, everyone else is mostly working... sometimes it makes me feel a bit lonely. Even tho I've being seeing everyone prolly even more than during spring. Hmm~
I tried to patch some of my unavoidable ignorance and indifference by reading all of arkangeli's postings since last autumn. I read about all the happenings that were and people that came and all those I at the time shrugged off without much thought, and now I feel like "Oh man, why didn't I go?" Well... I'm just that antisocial I suppose. Must be a pain trying to be my friend. Sorry for all the times I let you down...
Men Jag