May Angels Lead You In
My heart is so broken right now. I don't think I've ever missed my brother so much. Take the amount I cried on Induction Day and triple it, and you have the amount I cried today, alone in my room. Since he went away to college, my brother has said "I love you" a lot more to me. He first started saying it the night I graduated from eighth grade. I think that's when we both realized that we miss each other when we're apart. After that, we went to high school together, and it wasn't so bad. After I left for college, we got further apart distance-wise and closer sibling-wise. He'd kill me for saying this, but I think we each have half of each others' hearts. There's just no way to say how amazing that kid is. To think about not having him is more pain than I think I can survive, so for Vanessa to lose her brother is for me to have my worst fear realized in another person. The fact that she's my sister is the most painful part. If a stranger lost her brother, I'd be sympathetically sad. Because my sister lost her brother, I am empathetically sad.
The look on her face when she saw the fourteen of us in the funeral home at the wake today was the most painful part, and the one that brought me closest to tears when I was actually there. When she hugged me, I knew it didn't mean as much to her to have me there as it did to have some of the others, but you know what? I don't care. I'm a firm believer that you can love someone without liking them a whole lot. I hope she feels the same way about me. I wouldn't have felt right not being there for her, because regardless, she's my sister and sisters should support one another. It doesn't matter that I never met her brother, or her parents for that matter. If there was a little less pain because all of us were there, then going was the right thing to do.
Most of us went to Cryan's afterwards, but few of us actually drank. The most embarrassing part for me was running into Chops and Jesus and not being able to explain why we didn't all go running up and hugging them like we normally do, especially since today was Chops' birthday. We were all still dressed in our black funeral garb, and nobody was really happy. I still don't think anybody is really happy.
I got to talk to Meredith a bit when I came home. She's holding up amazingly well, and I'm proud of her. She's a strong little thing, and that's exactly what V needs right now. She told me V isn't coming back for the rest of the semester, but that she'll be around, and she'll be back next year. I can't say I blame her. I don't know if I'd be able to ever come back, but I also hope I never have to find out.
So you may be wondering, "What the hell is the Charlie Brown comic doing on top of such a depressing entry?" Well, it was the first thing today to make me genuinely smile. It's probably not even all that funny, but it's what I needed for whatever reason. I actually stole it while I was distracting myself from this utterly depressed feeling by myspace-stalking. Really, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and fall asleep until I have to get up tomorrow morning, but I can't do that yet because I have to take medicine at 9:00 tonight. Hopefully I'll get the chance to pass out immediately following, but who knows? Who knows anything anymore? I'm just so tired. So tired, and so sad. I wish I could forget this day, but I know I never will.
V said it herself..."It's so surreal." Funerals aren't for people who are 23 years old. People who are 23 years old should be invincible. The fact that they're not is more upsetting than you might imagine. Innocence may be gone by then, but it doesn't mean you're old, and it definitely doesn't mean you're ready to die.
If you want the backstories, here they are.
Obituary
Police Look for Suspects in Montville Man's Death
I don't know any more than what's written here, and I don't care to, except I wouldn't mind the closure of knowing they arrested and punished the people responsible for his death and his passenger's injuries. Please, please, please pray that they are caught and that justice is served, because V and her family deserve that at the very least.
♥