(no subject)
Dear Journal,
I have no clue what to do. I haven't felt this depressed or downright desperate for so long I've forgotten how I dealt with it, or whether I even did deal with it. It seems to have pounced upon me so fast I've been caught off-guard.
I think it started to get really bad some time within the last week. I remember hanging up some washing inside and getting absolutely livid that an item fell from a coat hanger onto the floor. I felt real hatred towards the item of clothing and everything associated with it, from the rest of the washing, the person who had put the washing on and the person whose clothing it was. It was a moment where I just snapped. I've felt like this before, but not to that extreme, and I've always managed to shrug it off and get on with something else. This time however, I started to get angry at everything from a note written by my mum to tins of food. I was getting momentarily hateful towards everything.
I'm back on steroids for my Crohn's and I know one side effect of them is mood swings or similar mood problems, and I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is down to them, but it seems like it could be a likely culprit. I'll have to talk to a medical professional about this, although I'm not sure there's anything they'll be able to do.
Meanwhile over the last few days I've begun to slip into a deep depression like I used to know which is really making me feel terrible. I've stopped talking to or interacting with my family because I just can't find any drive at all to do so. Answering any question is such a huge task for me it's terrible. I just can't seem to be able to do it. My mum has asked if I'm ok and why I'm not talking, but I've just responded that I'm okay, and said nothing more. The way she asks just riles me up so much though. I can't stand it, I feel like exploding.
I felt awful yesterday, but today I really hit it hard. I managed to take a shower at a reasonable time, but then went back to bed for a few hours. I then managed to get up again and put on some clothes, brush my teeth and whatever else, but I was feeling so depressed I just sat in my chair doing nothing and feeling terrible. There was this Gordon Ramsay book signing that I was going to go to, so I packed my bag with all the things I would need but then I stopped dead again. After a while I decided I just couldn't face going, so I thought I'd just go out on my bike somewhere for a short ride. I got about 100 metres or so but struggled so badly for any sort of mental drive to keep me going.
In the end I just stopped and stood still for ten minutes or so and started to cry. I managed to cycle the short distance home, stood crying the in alley way for another five minutes, then went inside and got into bed, crying my eyes out and stayed there for around three hours before everyone started to come home. I felt a bit better after spending those three hours under the bed sheets in the dark and got something to eat. I still feel awful though, and cut myself a couple of times, which is so lame and pathetic, but I just couldn't help it. It's been over a year since I've done anything like that too. I really seem to have regressed a whole lot this last week and I've no idea what to do. I feel so stupid again. Anyway, thanks for listening.
I have no clue what to do. I haven't felt this depressed or downright desperate for so long I've forgotten how I dealt with it, or whether I even did deal with it. It seems to have pounced upon me so fast I've been caught off-guard.
I think it started to get really bad some time within the last week. I remember hanging up some washing inside and getting absolutely livid that an item fell from a coat hanger onto the floor. I felt real hatred towards the item of clothing and everything associated with it, from the rest of the washing, the person who had put the washing on and the person whose clothing it was. It was a moment where I just snapped. I've felt like this before, but not to that extreme, and I've always managed to shrug it off and get on with something else. This time however, I started to get angry at everything from a note written by my mum to tins of food. I was getting momentarily hateful towards everything.
I'm back on steroids for my Crohn's and I know one side effect of them is mood swings or similar mood problems, and I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is down to them, but it seems like it could be a likely culprit. I'll have to talk to a medical professional about this, although I'm not sure there's anything they'll be able to do.
Meanwhile over the last few days I've begun to slip into a deep depression like I used to know which is really making me feel terrible. I've stopped talking to or interacting with my family because I just can't find any drive at all to do so. Answering any question is such a huge task for me it's terrible. I just can't seem to be able to do it. My mum has asked if I'm ok and why I'm not talking, but I've just responded that I'm okay, and said nothing more. The way she asks just riles me up so much though. I can't stand it, I feel like exploding.
I felt awful yesterday, but today I really hit it hard. I managed to take a shower at a reasonable time, but then went back to bed for a few hours. I then managed to get up again and put on some clothes, brush my teeth and whatever else, but I was feeling so depressed I just sat in my chair doing nothing and feeling terrible. There was this Gordon Ramsay book signing that I was going to go to, so I packed my bag with all the things I would need but then I stopped dead again. After a while I decided I just couldn't face going, so I thought I'd just go out on my bike somewhere for a short ride. I got about 100 metres or so but struggled so badly for any sort of mental drive to keep me going.
In the end I just stopped and stood still for ten minutes or so and started to cry. I managed to cycle the short distance home, stood crying the in alley way for another five minutes, then went inside and got into bed, crying my eyes out and stayed there for around three hours before everyone started to come home. I felt a bit better after spending those three hours under the bed sheets in the dark and got something to eat. I still feel awful though, and cut myself a couple of times, which is so lame and pathetic, but I just couldn't help it. It's been over a year since I've done anything like that too. I really seem to have regressed a whole lot this last week and I've no idea what to do. I feel so stupid again. Anyway, thanks for listening.